#1. What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?
As a kid, one of the most common questions I was asked by well-meaning dinner party guests was "... and what do you want to be when you grow up?" Initially, I froze. Remember, little kids are concrete thinkers. I thought I'd better get the answer correct and usually came up with "teacher" although it wasn't really something I gave much thought to. Of course I got the approving nod. Later, my parents began to groom me to be a business woman without asking about my own passion. I did not live up to those standards but have lived a meaningful life in spite of the brainwashing.
As a mom, I was careful to avoid this question. I did not want my children to grow up thinking there was just one thing they could do or be. And I was not about to tell them what to do. Instead, I would say something like "what is something that sounds fun to do when you are a grown up?" That way, options were left open to their development and imagination. If you think both questions sound the same, just stop reading this blog. My philosophy is all about the way we frame things for our kids in order to allow them to reach their own conclusions in a safe environment. If you don't place a high value on words or tones, this blog does you no good.
And whatever your kids say, sound agreeable - unless they plan to become a bank robber or outcast. My creative, smart five-year-old insisted for as many more years that she was going to grow up and be a cheesemaker. While I thought she could do so many other things, I verbally encouraged her and asked to have some Gouda. She grew out of that idea by middle school. All on her own.
#2. How Was School Today?
That's universal code for kids to say a one-word answer like "good" or "fine" to get you off their back. You aren't going to get much detail about the eight hours they were out of your sight with that one. Of course you want to know what they did, where they sat, how they felt. Did they pay attention? Do they understand what was taught? Was anything controversial said by a teacher? Did anyone hurt their feelings - or did they hurt someone else? You haven't seen them all day.
There are other ways to get the information you want. First of all, resist the urge to offer up a yes/no question. It's another way for them to toss out the answer they think you are looking for and you really won't learn anything new. I used to play the "3 Things" game. Each of us had to share three things that happened during the day that the other one would not know about. So, they couldn't tell me what sandwich they ate for lunch if I had made it. I couldn't tell them I was wearing jeans. They can see that. This game worked well. I got a lot of information to start conversations from this. Another thing to do is ask who they sat with at lunch or played with at recess. You can always ask to see their planner or homework to get an idea of how they are doing in school. When our kids were in high school, we put them in charge of reading Moodle and reporting back to us about the status of their assignments. (P.S. Parents please don't immediately get upset when you read online that a grade is lower than expected. Teachers routinely post a few days later than assignments are due and you won't have a current picture. Save your angst for concrete facts.)
#3. Why Did You Do That?
Especially with kids under the age of 10, this is just plain silly. They pinched the baby. They shoved their brother. They repeatedly snapped the lid when you told them to stop. They took the toy away from the dog. They stood in front of the bathroom sink letting the water run. They colored on the doll's face. They threw the Lego. They put the empty milk carton back in the fridge. On and on and on it goes. These guys are concrete thinkers, remember? They can't answer this question to your satisfaction. That's because the answer will not paint them in very good light. Sometimes it's a skill thing. Sometimes it's to stir up trouble. Sometimes it's attention-seeking.
Instead, try taking a mental step back and assess. If' it's attention-seeking, make a statement like "Tonya, we don't take things away from others. We ask nicely. Please come over here and..." If it's a skill thing, use calm wording to reframe they way to do it. "Albert, when the carton is empty, we throw it away and write 'milk' on the grocery list. Thank you." You get it. Another thing to ask gets to the intention behind the situation. Say you walk into the room and there is a broken lamp on the floor. Instead of demanding to know who "did it", ask what they were trying to accomplish instead. You might find out someone wasn't playing football in the house after all. They might have been trying to dust or change a lightbulb - neither worthy of a parental rant.
#4. How Many Times Do I Have To Tell You?
This is one many of us grew up hearing from our own parents and we accidentally channel that useless question. My husband had a tough time letting go of this one. One day I came into the room with his lecture face asking our eight-year-old this very question. Her eyes were locked on his and her face was frozen. I could see numbers slowing floating through her mind - searching for the correct one to offer up. So I cheerfully walked over and said "Honey, are you wanting her to give you an actual numerical response because that's what she's searching her brain for right now." He chuckled, she chuckled and he restated what it was he wanted her to understand without the silly question as the introduction.
Note to self: anytime you hear "I don't know" is your signal that you need to rephrase your question or statement. The more you affirm your kiddos when the do the work to communicate, the more they will know what your are looking for and the odds increase that you will enjoy more communication between the two of you as they develop. #positveexperience
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