For over twenty years, I have been teaching this concept to overwhelmed parents. I like to call it "Valium Girl". Whatever you call it, the principle is that you act as if you are calmer than you really are for the sake of your child's outbursts, tears or fits.
Not really. I invented Valium Girl for my own sanity. Using it for my shrieking kid was a mere by-product. Practicing it for several years before I became an expert was a collateral blessing. Teaching it to others has been extra credit. As an MFT student these days, I read lots of therapy and concept material. And you know what? My little Valium Girl theory holds up pretty well, so I am going to revisit it today.
For whatever reason you want to try to act calmer than you really are, remember that feelings follow actions. If you are feeling cray-cray, angry, despondent, overwhelmed - whatever - that does not dictate what you do or say. Your feelings come second. Actions first. I have moms who tell me "but I have to yell when I am angry!!" No, mom, you don't. All that will do is incite your kid to respond in kind and you will have a bigger mess on your hands. Your feelings matter, but they do not need to be expressed. Not right now. Instead, take a deep breath and imagine you are the calmest person in the world. The most emotionally strong parent ever. Do. Not. React. Act as if that fit is not happening.
Remember these four powerful things: One, you are the intended audience for the fit. If you don't buy a ticket, there's no show for him. Two, your toddler lacks the self-control you are supposed to have. Three, you have the power to defuse the emotional bomb. Four, just because she wants you to react (or you want to) doesn't mean you have to comply.
It took me over two years of acting like I was emotionally calm before I really was. Inside I was trembling, ready to explode or call the police. But on the outside, I cranked up the smooth jazz music and put on a neutral facial expression the kid in the car seat could see from the rearview mirror. And one day, lo and behold, I realized I really was as calm on the inside as I was acting on the outside!
Acting calm kept me emotionally out of a mess and enabled me to be more objective about what was going on with my kid. I was able to calmly tell him we didn't kick mama's car seat as if it was a boulder of cement and successfully complete the three-hour traffic rider home. I was able to see his needs. Your're upset right now, what's that feeling? Oh. I hate traffic, too! What can we sing about instead? How many cop cars can you find? I was able to get him to articulate his feeling, label it and redirect the hair-trigger physical and verbal volume levels.
As it turns out, the ability for adults to recognize, identify and label emotions is a cornerstone of mental health. By acting calmer than I really felt, I was able to help promote that activity in a very small mind. My kid's mind, too. By practicing on my kid, I helped myself. By practicing on myself, I helped my kid.
This technique also works when they are too big for car seats. Remain calm when your teen says they have something to tell you. Affirm what they have said in order to help yourself be sure you heard them. It doesn't mean you agree, you just want to be sure you heard what they intended to say. Acting calm also gives you time to think about your response. Perhaps you will respond right then, but you might need to think on it and get back to them. By acting calm, you demonstrate you are a safe person for them to continue to come to.
Disclaimer: Acting as if you are calmer than you really are has nothing to do with denying feelings. You are not masking them, either. You are merely delaying yours. Think of yourself as a tool of peace at that moment in that situation. Two screamers will not make traffic move any faster. And one of you has to be about safety. Why not the one with the driver's license? Who says you can't tell your backseat maniac you feel angry about his volcanic eruption and need him to calm down? Just do it calmly. It will calm you down in the process.
In the process of applying this little theory in parenting, I have learned to lower my freak-out level and attach less of a value to many little things that often plague mamas. That has been a gift to my sanity. Who cares if they want to wear shorts in winter or refuse to turn in their homework? Sometimes we have to rest knowing we taught the information appropriately, but it's their turn to apply it. If we apply it for them, they rely on us. That's not healthy parenting. We're supposed to be teaching these baby birds to learn to fly on their own. Especially emotionally.
No comments:
Post a Comment