The Most Powerful Words A Parent Can Use

Don't we all want to hear our parents say "well done" or appreciate something about us? Ever since I read the book The Blessing by Gary Smalley and Dr. John Trent about 25 years ago, I have worked hard to verbally tell my children something special about them and how God will use it in their futures. In my work, I routinely encourage parents to "picture a special future" for each of their children and to do it out loud.

Many people pass through childhood merely attending life and pouf they're an adult and just go through the motions. Day fades into day fades into years simply functioning - joy is absent. Sometimes it is due to economic or social circumstances. Sometimes it's just because their parents didn't or couldn't picture a special future for them. That's what is called a blessing.

Passing on a blessing was a huge deal in the Old Testament (the part of the Bible that talks about life on this planet before Jesus was born). It's important because it shows us customs and history that feed into today. The Old Testament blessing was a tradition given by the father to the oldest son in the family and carried its weight to his future lineage. It was bestowed hope and a positive pronouncement coveted by the child. It governed his future life from that point forward. A verbal treasure, done just once. An honor with the authority of God behind his father's well chosen words.

Smalley and Trent have concluded - and I agree - that inside the heart of every one of us is a desire to hear a good word from his or her parents. Their book talks about how to give a blessing to our own children, even if we never received it ourselves. This is a powerful thought: You can give something you never received (and even still want) yourself! The book includes rationale on why your parents might have been unable to give you a blessing. Absorbing that will clear your heart and mind so you can give a blessing to your kids. It is one of the most powerful parenting books I have ever read.

I've met adults who were told horrible things while they were growing up. "You are fat", "You are such a klutz", "Why can't you be like your sister?" "When will you ever learn?" "You ruined my life",  "I wish I had had an abortion", "You just have to be like this, don't you??", "You are such a brat", "You're gonna have to be smart cuz your looks won't help", "You're stupid", "What is wrong with you?!?" "Who will ever want to marry you?", "You make me so mad", "I can't wait til you are out of the house." All of the above have been told to people I have met. All of them have damaged souls.

Some condemnation wasn't actually said. It's what wasn't said that damages. Many adults with grown children of their own still ache for their parents to say something positive. To those of us in that boat, I say do the work to let go of that hope. It is likely not to happen and your emotions will do better investing in something worthwhile. Like...the next generation.

So let's influence each generation to come by picturing a special future not once, but as a matter of course as you do life. Let's empower our kids and grandkids to recognize their gifts and strengths and visualize how they can contribute to the world. Or, what I like to call "becoming a solid citizen". You'd be surprised at how many youth can't see beyond tomorrow or maybe their birthday. Many can't even comprehend consequences. Let's help them picture their futures and maybe we can stop just one kid from taking a hammer and breaking in to the gas station down the block.

Are you wondering what to say?

Well, you don't set up a meeting and clear your throat or light candles or even tell the kids you are giving them a blessing. You just do it wherever you happen to be and you notice a quality to affirm. It's about character and ability, so no talking about Sally's cute little button nose that she had no control over.  Say things along these lines: "You are such a great artist - when you are grown up many people will appreciate your pictures." "You were so brave to help me kill that bug. When you're a Daddy, your children will feel safe with you, too." "You are so good at writing stories! You could write a book about adventures." "I know this is hard. This is good practice for other hard things that will happen. You are handling it well." "You are really good at figuring things out, will you please help me put this lamp together?" "You are such a fast learner!" "It's great how you like to try new things - you could go anywhere in the world and talk to people."

Pretty much anything positive that you see your child do or be can be turned into a blessing. Catch them doing something right and every once in awhile, verbalize it to them. Tomorrow will soon be upon them, and we want to get them ready bit by bit. Do this and you know they will pass it on to their children. And so on.

#ImpactingGenerations

The Powerful Effect of Agreement

I accidentally started to learn about this when my girl was about 20 months old. We were driving home and passed by a McDonalds as we exited the grocery store parking lot. "I want to go to McDonalds, Mommy, " she said, sitting forward in her car seat pointing to the Golden Arches. "I do too," I gushed. "Let's go there tomorrow, okay!?!" "OKAY!!" agreed my little one. She snuggled back into her seat for the ride home. And yes, I did take her to get that Happy Meal the next day.

When I deferred the McDonalds visit, I did it partly because I just wanted to get home after a long day, and partly because I wanted to teach her that everything doesn't happen the second we want it to. As she continued to grow up and her little brother came along, I found more uses for "agreeing".

At age five having just been impressed with a virtual tour of a French cheese-making facility on a Mr. Rogers episode, my girl somberly informed me that when she grew up, she wanted to "be a cheese maker." She continued to mention this aspiration for the next five years. I would smile and nod and say it looked like fun. Sometimes I would ask her if she would be sure to make me some, too. By the time she was 10, privately I thought she was capable of an array of amazing careers that used more of her creativity. But I resisted the urge to suggest she think differently. I did tell her I thought she would be good at many things, but only because she was (and is) marvelously talented - not because I didn't want her to make cheese or live in France. (Side note: she's actually a grad student and works with social justice and marginalized people and a graphic artist on the side.)

The first time either child lost their grip on a precious helium balloon they had just been given, I would start jumping wildly in the parking lot and waving excitedly "Bye!" to the disappearing object. The kids didn't hesitate to join me, and every balloon they accidentally let go of after that received the same fond farewell. This is a pre-emptive strike against a fit, but the "agreement" was that the balloon was going away.  They learned that "Away" isn't necessarily a tragedy.

When one of my kids would tell me about something that had upset them and finish with "and it's not fair!!!"  I would agree with them when it really wasn't fair. "You are so right, that is NOT one bit fair, but it happened. I'm sad with you for that. How frustrating." Sometimes that was enough to adjust their view on the situation. Sometimes we would talk about ways to deal with it now that it wasn't fair.

"I want to be a brave soldier when I grow up," said my five-year-old son. Following my own cheese-maker advice, I agreed with his idea. After all, he was five. New ideas would come along. When he was 17 he enrolled in the National Guard and graduated Basic Training before his senior year in high school as one of the youngest graduating soldiers. Five days after he graduates next month, he ships out for a summer of AIT training before starting college in the fall to study architecture.

In college my daughter excitedly called to tell me about the spring break trip she and 3 gal pals were going to take - driving to Florida. Now, that idea was the last thing I liked and thought there was a lot of potential risk. But she was 19. So I just asked about trip details and suggested she get her oil changed before and have friends chip in for gas. She agreed. A week before the trip, she told me they weren't going. When I asked her why, she said she didn't have enough money and didn't want to put more miles on her car. "That is reasonable thinking," I replied. Each time she wanted to do something, we listened to her reasoning and made listening comments, but we did not tell her not to do it. She would come to her own conclusion that was more reasonable after living with the idea for a bit of time.

The take-away from my "agreement" approach is that kids can tell when you enter their world and truly see things from their viewpoint. They need their ideas to be heard. Sometimes, you may not like their idea or want to do it, but you can agree that their idea is a valid one. They can even tell you they don't want to do something, and you can reply that you don't want to do it either - but we have to learn to do things anyway sometimes.

Fully functioning adults need to learn to wait. They need to learn to do things they don't want to do for personal responsibility. They need to learn to make rational decisions. By listening with agreement, you can help foster this in your children as they move from stage to stage.

Oh - and did you notice I did not bring up any form of lecturing? There are no lectures in my world. Telling a kid what to think will not teach them to think independently or confidently. Guiding allows them to absorb things and make it their own. Had I "told" my toddler daughter that we did not have time to go to McDonalds and droned "no" it won't work, she would have had a fit and I would have committed a lecture. Arg. Nothing would have been learned.  I think parents employ the word "no" and lecture far too often and that's why kids end up needing to be told things over and over and not comprehending on their own.

Agreement. Try it, you'll like the results and so will your kids.

How To "Mean Business"

Recently I was visiting a client and their big dog kept wanting to slobber on me. Now I do like dogs, but not the slobber. The owner told the hound "no" several times and the dog ignored her, sat at my feet and looked me in the eye. Frustrated, the owner said "Go to your bed" and he got half-way there before he decided he didn't want to comply. Back he trotted to the fascination of my presence. I looked him in the eye and repeated the owner's command to go to his bed. Off he went. The owner was impressed (so was I). I told her I was a dog whisperer.

It was all in the tone. The dog owner was soft-spoken and seemed to be asking the dog a question, not issuing a command. I've met parents who plead with their kids to listen to them. Their sentences end with a high note as if asking a question. "Time to put our shoes on?" "We have to go now?" It sounds as if they are asking permission to be in authority.

Don't approach your kids with the attitude of "you don't want to listen to me do you?" They will smell that aura before you even enter the room. Use a confident, firm voice and have a serious look in your eyes. Your expression should show you mean business without looking like a stern old crab. Even if you are not calm and confident, you can act like it. I found that the more I acted like it, the more confident I became.

Make statements as if they are a universal truth without variables. Invite no debate. "Feet stay on the floor." "Throwing is for outside." "Painting is at the table." "We use our inside voices." "We pick up the game before dinner." "There is one snack for each of you."

The kinds of questions to ask are the ones you offer two choices for and let the kid decide because either way, you get what you needed them to do taken care of.

Examples: "Tommy do you want to put your shoes on before or after you take your medicine?" "Do you want to buckle your seatbelt or do you want me to?" "Do you want to have a book or music for your nap?" "Do you want to eat your vegetables between your bites of chicken or all at once?"You get the idea. Once you get going, you won't be able to stop. Just don't be offering a six year old his choice of cup colors. This is mostly for the two to five set. It will also work with Special Needs kids.

Not only does "meaning business" involve confidence and tone, it involves consisentency. If you do this for two days and slip back into nagging and retorting, don't expect your child to give you leeway. They need you to be consistent with your approach as much as your rules. Their secuirty comes from the safe parameters you establish and keep. Picture coming home to your house every day with windows, doors, siding or the fence missing. You want the whole house there but you don't know what to expect because sometimes something is gone. That's what it is like for children when parents fail to behave consistently.

And when we aren't consistent, kids invent their own way to cope and it usually involves pushing limits. If you keep things as usual as possible without being a drill sergeant, you will save yourself many futile argeuments and repeated answers.

Speaking of repetition, do that when your child keeps asking you the same thing. Say they had their snack and they want another one and you don't want them to have one (although I would personally give them another apple). You say "There was one snack for each of you." Your child whines that they are still hungry. Your repeat "There was one snack for each of you." Keep saying this. You can end with "Dinner is at six." Whatever you do, do not start a lecture or get into a dialog. If you say things like "That was a large enough snack and you don't finish snacks when I give you two anyway" or "I don't want you to fill up before dinner and you didn't eat all of your lunch and you are wasting food" or anything like that, you are losing your leverage. The more I think about it, I would handle snacks differently. You can keep apples and carrots and sliced carrots in your fridge and let them have it. If they get full, look at what healthy stuff it was.

When you start to barter and over-explain, you have lost your position in their eyes. So the things you want to barter about had better be worth it. Snacks really aren't. I don't think pajamas or showers are either. Holding personal responsibility? You bet. Showing courtesy and respect? Of course. Behaing honestly and ethically all the time? Absolutely.

Remember in all your blood, sweat and tears of child-raising to remember to authentically catch them doing something right as often as you can. Praise and affirmation go a long way in building solid-citizen character and establishing you as a loving, trusting authority. It's a perfect counterpart to meaning business.

Boom! Crash! Shriek!

Ever had this happen in your parenting?

You are in the kitchen and you hear a loud crash coming from the family room. Off you hustle to conduct inspection. As you round the corner at warp speed second only to transporting yourself there a la Star Trek, you spy your kid standing near a lamp that is now laying broken on the floor. Little brother is across the room and both kids are frozen, not knowing whether to stare at you or the lamp.

What do you assume? What do you do?

If you want a kid that doesn't lie and will talk to you as they mature, you do not jump to conclusions and you do not act angry. Yes, even if that was the family heirloom lamp treasured for generations. You stand calmly and first look for blood. If the humans are fine, you calmly ask what they were trying to accomplish. Notice I didn't suggest you say "What were you doing?" Say that and I promise their answer will be "Nothing..."

Remember, your goal is to raise healthy, self-sufficient adults and your objective is to get them to talk. Your words should be non-condemning and open-ended. "Wow, I heard a noise and wanted to be sure you guys are alright. What were you trying to do?" goes a long way in creating dialog. Now, if they say they were playing catch with a brick, you can discipline them for playing outdoor games in the house, and bricks can harm so they are off limits. If they say they were trying to dust for you and knocked it, or if they even say they were wrestling and bumped the table I would not discipline them.

What? You see, that is called an accident. They were not intentionally being reckless. Maybe the wrestlers would have to pay some price to replace the lamp. For sure they can help you clean up. They can get the broom, the garbage bag and rubber gloves for you. They can go  put on socks and stand nearby and help look for glass pieces. They can put the dog in another area. After it's all picked up, they can vacuum. All the while you are calm, you are Switzerland.

Chances are they will show remorse. This is good. Let them say they are sorry, especially if they now realize they ruined a family treasure. (If that's the case, I see a new art project in your future making a mosaic.) Tell them you are sorry it happened, too. They can see you look sad, they just don't need to hear you scream and yell. Even if they were being intentional. They just have to work to repay the fair value. The important thing is that you didn't have to make a trip to the ER.

Conclude with a short plan for next time. What will they do differently? What did they learn? Where can they wrestle and throw things? Conversation over. If they are going to earn $ toward a new item, make a chart of things to do they can check off, but no more discussion until the day their debt is paid.

Do examine your circumstances. Are the kids set up for failure? If you have active kids, it is unreasonable to expect them to sit nicely and play quietly. Too cold to get them outside for more physical movement? Get out one of your Wii fitness games. Don't have any video games like that? Play gym class with them and get them exercising. If your active kids keep doing "wrong" things in your house, it's time to check how you have it set up and what you have on display. They need a zone that is okay to move in. Got a tight apartment and kids that like paint and glue and table messes? Go to Wall-Mart and purchase a yard of oilcloth for about $3. Place it felt-side down on your table and voila - your kids can create all they want and your table is safe. You should see the years of paint and marker stains on mine. I just wipe it and roll it for next time.

Rather than grip and suspect - hold your kids loosely in the palm of your hand. Find out what they were trying to do before you open your mouth and put your hands on your hips. If they grow up condemned by you, they will lie out of fear of your unreasonable wrath. They don't really want to get in trouble, but they will if you don't establish clear guidelines or are unreasonable. And they surely will need constant supervision if you train them to come to you for every little thing. All that does is prolong their ability to make sound decisions. Isn't that one of the core values parents want to instill?

Here's to calmer crashes in your house.

Got a Bratty Kid?

Arg. Don't you just cringe when you encounter a kid who can't see beyond their eyebrows and elbows? They can be a preschooler, pre-teen or professional teen. No matter what, it's just a stab in your heart to find out your very own kid is a big fat selfish brat.

If you are such a parent that can recognize your kid's brattiness, congratuations! Most will do anything to cover up or ignore this awful truth. Better instead that you get it and know how to pray and react.

Who in the world wants to give a nod to the sullen fact that their kid is such a disappointment in this category?  Maybe only their recent behavior is the reason. Maybe their whole life is the reason. Maybe it's somewhere in-between. No matter what, hats off to parents who acknowledge and stop protecting or ignoring this truth.

No matter when you realize that you have a home-grown brat, I refuse to believe it is ever too late to introduce reality parenting and nip this nasty right off the vine.

Now that you have taken a deep breath and acknowledged what others already know, let's get to work. My guess is that you probably already know why your kid is such a brat. Have they been over indulged?  Have they ever been told "no" or "wait'? Can they interrupt you at any time or are they the center of your bragging universe? Yep. That's why. And if you recently added another sibling to the family mix, that's another double-why.

A brat is someone that only thinks of themselves and has not yet learned there are other people in the world. It is well past the time to introduce this truth.

Any easy first lesson is to tell your child that they have to wait for (insert numerical age here) minutes until snack. Set your smart phone timer for that number of minutes. They can occupy themselves at the table in any quiet way, but in silence. If they talk, you don't - and you reset the timer. Keep going until they do it and congratulate them for a good job waiting. Do this every day for a week and extend the time. After a week, promise them a special outing (movie, zoo, park) to take place in another week and teach them to count down the days. Congratulate them for a good job anticipating,

Okay, so they are on track for waiting and anticipating on their own. Now add in people. Play family games and model what it is like to be a good sport and play fair. Keep going. For me, nothing gets a kid's attention like when I act like the worst example of what I am trying to teach. They jump in and start telling me how to behave. You could act selfish and pouty and see what your kid does. The goal is to get them to see what others's feel like and curb that behavior. Be sure to arch your eyebrows and give them a knowing look when they arrive at this conclusion.

Still having trouble with selfishness?  The list is endless. Volunteer as a family in your community. Work together to help others. Do yard work or chores as a family to make the house clean for everyone. Have your offender host a party for other kids and model how to be a host and serve others. Teach your kid how to make a grocery list and have them pick out all the items. Teach them how to shop for and cook a family dinner - weekly.

Avoid giving kids everything they want. If they have too much stuff, fill some jumbo trash bags and donate them. Who needs more than 10 outfits? If there are so many toy parts dumped in boxes and you don't know what they go to, they have too many toys. Edit. Limit the number of birthday and Christmas gifts. Some families have their kids do the editing before holidays so there is never more than the same number of toys in active use. They go with their kids to the place they are donating. (Note: Never ever ever give away something broken, dirty or missing pieces. That is called "garbage" and doesn't belong using dollars to be shipped to Africa. If it's garbage to you, it's garbage to everyone else, too. And that goes for clothes and expired food, too.)

Resist the urge to replace a broken or lost item. If your child was behind the loss, they can earn $$$ to replace it if it means that much. How do you tell if you care too much about your child's things or activities? If you find that it means more to you than it does to them.

Finally, do not reward unacceptable behavior with any attention. That includes your comments or narrative. Instead, play deaf. When they wonder why you aren't listening/answering/talking, say "Oh. I am only going to respond to things said in a polite tone." And return to your knitting or whatever else you were doing. Repeat as long as it takes to hear the proper tone and see the appropriate behavior. Then respond.

Thank you for doing your part in reducing the number of entitled people on this planet. We can all do without more grown-up versions as drivers cutting us off and displaying impertinent gestures.

Signs That You May Be A Helicopter Parent

A mom I know was filled with anxiety when her new college freshman son did not call home for the first three weeks away from home. Even pleading emails from his father urging him to assuage his mother's worry did not compel him to pick up his phone. "He is probably spending all his savings and only eating pizza," moaned his mother to me. I should have seen it coming 18 years prior when I first met him. He was just 8 months old, content in his baby swing when his mother stated "he's bored" and commanded his father to go entertain him while she worked on dinner. I wondered how a little baby would even know how to be bored on top of all that sleeping and pooping.

That was my first living example of a helicopter parent at work.

So what is a helicopter parent? It is one who believes they must hover over their child for anything to happen - or not happen. They believe their input and oversight must be present in every waking decision and experience and have a terrible time letting go. In case you were wondering, this is not the ideal way to parent and neither is dictatorship. The difference is with the dictator, there is none of the anxiety involved in helicoptering. A dictator does not have as much of their identity wrapped up in their children, they just want it their way. A helicopter parent thinks of little else than how to direct their children and make sure everything is okay. The problem with helicoptering is that you cannot really control anything. The more you think you need to "be there" or "make sure", the more anxiety you are putting on your plate. (In another blog, we will talk about the ideal parenting model - loving authority.)

You might be a helicopter parent if...

- You interrupt adult conversations to answer your child's frequent phone calls to locate typical things around the house or ask questions about trivial matters

- You are on your landline long distance with a friend and tell them to hold while you answer a cell phone call from your child wanting to know if you will take them to the mall before dinner

- You insist on selecting every outfit your children wear well past that first day of school in Kindergarten or you argue about what they have chosen to wear

- You think your child won't eat unless you tell them to or place it on a plate for them

- You allow your child to whine about a meal and make a special plate to accommodate their "likes"

- You call the school to be sure some of your child's friends are in their class

- You help your children with their friendships

- You correct, comment or react to your child's every comment

- You can't stop thinking about whether they zipped their coat up or not and go through their backpacks daily to arrange contents

- You care more about their schoolwork than they do

- You do not allow them to help around the house because they won't do it the right way

- You assume the worst when they are left to their own wiles rather than coming from a place of trust first

- Your reason for being is to do everything for your kids and to keep them happy

- You will do everything possible so they do not experience failure

- You pepper them with question after question to be sure you know everything

- You can't rest if all their toys aren't put away just-so

Do you want anyone this involved in your life? I sure don't. And all that extra focus isn't going to make anyone feel more loved. Trying to make sure everything is perfect is useless because life isn't about what we can control, it is about controlling our impulses over what comes our way. Doing everything for our children cripples them from becoming fully functioning adults. You don't really want to have your adult children avoid you like the kid who actually didn't "spend all his money on pizza", do you?

Remember, the purpose of parenting is to prepare our children for adulthood. And adults aren't supposed to need to be told when to blink.

Love You, Don't Like You

We've all met kids we don't like and have had to deal with them - or our feelings about those buggers. What if the kid we don't like does not belong to our brother-in-law or isn't that little irritating one belonging to our neighbor ... but our own?'

ARGH. It happens.

The good news is that you can LOVE your kid, just not what they are doing. In my humble opinion, it is more than okay to dislike their actions and want to shrink from them at times. Yes, acknowledging this is a stab in your heart. But wait -- didn't your heart already get stabbed by your disappointment? You can do this. You can acknowledge this and keep going with hope and continue being a good parent.

A concept I have clung to since I was in college is that while I may not like everyone, God wants me to love them. Yes, I have not always liked my kid because of what they were doing or how they were acting, but I have always loved them.

Some times we need to wait to see a glimmer in their eyes that they are still "in there". But I never think we should give up on our babies. We need God's grace to keep us in tact as we wait to see the character displayed that we always yearned or prayed for. We need to keep following our principles without whining. And, act neutral.

A mentor taught me the importance of keeping thy mouth shut in order to keep her family in tact. She did not approve of her child's choice of mates but remained gracious and loving. Years later, her child discovered for themselves the true character of that poor choice and made different decisions. Graciousness wins all the time. Had the mom spoken her mind early on, she would have lost the relationship with her child. Instead, she plugged along.

The same thing goes when a child is going through an ugly period of development and I just don't mean zits. They may be doing or saying things you abhor. Their personality may clash with yours. You may see your flesh-and-blood being snotty or hurting other kids. Maybe they even dislike one of your other kids or have started to steal or do drugs. Draw the line.

In my work, I have dealt with many families where a parent's heart is wounded because of a child's actions. Bottom line: they want their babies to knock it off and refocus. Stand strong on your principles if you find yourself in this scenario. You have laid the foundation. Remember that. Respond when they are on track and don't get sucked into their drama when they aren't. Keep stating the main goals. Depend on God and don't compare yourself to other families.

If you didn't know how to lay down a parenting foundation, contact me. That's my passion and I'll walk you through it.

Keeping your chin firm and "letting" kids experience reality consequences has also been called "tough love". It requires patience, action and ongoing prayers. In extreme cases, you may need to be the one to place your child in treatment or call the police. Do it. Forget about what people think, take steps to keep your baby alive with a chance at a future. Side stepping this necessary action will surely kill them in one way or another and deny a future of good mental health at the least.

Not extreme - just a kid with a lousy attitude that makes you shirk? Keep those family rules and don't try to fix it when they get kicked off a team or are shunned by peers because of their behavior. Be glad reality is in their face and pray for realization but don't nag.  So what if they can't graduate with their class.  Get them help. Are they hurting the family emotionally? Stop their access to areas they are impacting. Maybe they don't get to go to the family dinner. Perhaps they have been so ungrateful there is no birthday gift. Shrug your shoulders and tell them you wish you could have done otherwise, but their choices dictated reality and walk away.

Less is more. Make simple statements and resist the necessary urge to rant on and on. If you don't, you have shot yourself in the proverbial foot. No one listens to ramblings. It's a sure signal for them to tune out. Just be calm, concise and brief.

Remember, your goal is to launch a fully functioning human into the world. Whatever their age of adulthood. Fully functioning people do not have people coddling, excusing or solving it for them. Fully functioning people have learned how to deal with the real stuff in life and take responsibility for their behavior. If you provide this scenario without narration, you are on the right track!

Along the way, you are bound not to like some of what your kids do. After all, they are human just like you. Don't focus on the alarm that you don't like something - focus on your end goal and know you are doing the right thing and in good company. If it's more than that, it's time for some counseling so you don't leave a mark on another human, much less one of your very own creation.