The Missing Word From the Media Coverage of the 2020 Election and COVID19

 

There’s a word missing from the 2020 Presidential Election narrative that should be connected to the impact of COVID19  in the US.

 

Pretty much every time I turn on local or cable news, I experience partisan blame hyping topics such as “economy”, “vaccination”, “testing”, “masks” and “school”. Sometimes the science brains tell us one thing, and the next time they tell us another. And each time I hear “these same ol’ things” I become angrier.

 

Since I know that anger is the doorbell of emotions – you have to answer the door to see who is there, and when you feel anger you need to ask yourself what the underlying emotion really is – I know that my anger in this case is an indicator of feeling disrespected, anxious and worried. Rather than waiting for COVID19 to pass, it’s dawning on us that we need to adjust our thinking to living with new ways to accomplish tasks of daily living. The hundreds of conversations I’ve had as a tele-therapist lately confirm that I’m not alone.

 

Brady Smith’s 2019 kids’ book title You’re Missing It keeps ringing in my ears. It’s about a kid trying to point out things to their distracted dad who is otherwise fixated on his smart phone. The word our politicians, scientists and speech writers have missed as they talk about everything else is “family”. I believe that the presidential candidate who begins using this word will be the candidate to resonate with voting families. Until someone does, in my humble opinion they are all completely missing it. The other topics are important, but until someone connects them directly with the American family they’re all missing it.

 

No one has yet to recognize that the backbone of a civilization  is the family. Until they do, things will continue to miss the boat of the point. The family is the boat, navigating the rapids. And all we hear about is the rapids. We need to talk more about what it is like for families to be experiencing this pandemic from their boats. I'd like the top of the tops on down in every industry to validate what families are going through and demonstrate some level of understanding about what everyday life is for the families in our nation. Families need to know they matter and that they aren’t just statistics. They have faces and stories. They aren’t just polling data to summarize or analyze. 

Virtually everything we do in everyday life has a new spin to it. The changes in the way we celebrate, marry and bury affect our daily living and have been glossed over. The new vocabulary words like “let’s set up a Zoom” and “socially distance” just appeared and sat down at our kitchen tables. The new protection regimens add more steps to what we do. The impact the loss of activities such as “going out for dinner”, “movie box office weekends” or “meeting for coffee” haven't been given much of a sincere nod. And I can’t even begin to discuss sports, school calendars or judging others for wearing or not wearing masks. And depending on the nature of each family, the way everyday life unfolds is different. There’s no blanket solution yet all we hear about are just that.

 

We’re missing it culturally if we can’t work together and embrace the impact COVID19 has on all our families. If the politicians only discuss Green New Deals, the economy or continue to throw dirt balls at the other party -- raise your hand if you think they care about the family? It’s an expensive waste of time and doesn’t solve anything. I’m tired of time being wasted at the expense of our tax dollars. I’m not asking for each and every possible family model be identified or given a certificate of appreciation, but I am asking for foundational recognition of what it might be like to be the people at home trying to manage their everyday lives differently. Answers may not be immediately forthcoming, but acknowledgement goes a long way to re-unifying a very un-unified nation.

 

 

Top 3 Parenting Tools for Coping With Coronavirus Impact at Home

I've been putting my master's degree in marriage and family therapy to work for 10 months now (while pursuing licensure) and the content has shifted heavily toward anxiety. I've spent the last three weeks hearing how the global reaction and coronavirus alert has impacted families logistically, emotionally and relationally. No one had much of a warning about the necessary safety responses that were put in place so rapidly. Overnight, every north American household become home-schoolers and everyday routines ground to a halt. Not only were parents forced to become their child's primary educator in an instant, they were told do to so without any opportunity to give their own input. I know of one family with children in three different school districts requiring 20 different apps in order to follow the syllabi. Another district required all of the students to log in during the same time window, thus collapsing the platform. Families have had to purchase new tablets and laptops because this is one time we can't ask our kids to share.

Children all over are missing school, and whether they know it or not, one of the main things they miss is their former routine and this will show up in different ways. It's important to remember that children under the age of 12 are still very much concrete thinkers. Abstract thinking develops throughout middle and and high school, but by no means is fully developed by graduation. As parents, if we consider what our kids are capable of before developing an expectation, we will be able to introduce a level of understanding necessary right now. Those kids acting out, speaking out or being defiant are giving us a lot of information they may not be able to articulate based on age. If you've got kiddo provoking the rest of the family, chances are they are carrying anxiety about all of the changes and unknowns. You can meet them in their anxiety by giving it a name and empathizing with them that "this is is hard". None of us like this. Once you've validated their emotion, then you can assure them. If you assure without acknowledging their emotions first, you've basically told them their feelings don't matter and they'll probably continue to act out big emotions.

Another thing to put in place is teaching our kids what we can control in this limbo-period of waiting for control to seep back in to our everyday lives. While we can't control the fact that we can't go to school or work, we can control where in the house we sit to do our work. We can control the time we do most things, as well as what we wear. We can control how we move about our day. What are we doing and when? I recommend creating an agenda with a check list each morning - list 5 items to do and check off throughout the day. This will increase a sense of accomplishment and control even if you list "brush teeth" - it's something that got done that we had control over. The structure of the agenda will be reassuring without you having said a word.

Speaking of control, we can also control what we put in our minds. What are we listening to? What are we watching? Who are we listening to? This is a good time to evaluate what social media influences you really want in your home. Research tells us that the more we think about anything, the bigger it becomes. Sitting alone in a room worrying will only make that worry more frightening. Conversely, listening to positive stories or focusing on learning something new together will use different parts of our brains and keep us feeling more regulated.

Yes, we have less control in many areas of life right now. Yes, we don't have a handbook as to how to do this. And yes, we have the resilience from within to go through this together, while apart. Stay well.

Why A Me-Turnity Leave Completely Misses The Point

Have you heard about the enterprising woman without kids who wrote a book advocating "Me-Turnity" leave for everyone -- even if they aren't parents, in order to make things fair?

After all, once a baby is pushed out or surgically delivered, isn't life a breeze? A whole "maternity leave" off from WORK to just glide. Everyone should have one of these, not just the parents of a wee little bambino! Everyone should get the same opportunity to experience paid time off from work in order to focus on themselves, right? It's only fair that we treat everyone equally.

Everyone deserves time off from work to rest and focus on themselves. I have learned that Americca is the only developed nation in the world that does not mandate employers to provide paid maternity leave. Congratulations to the author capitalizing on her idea but whoa has she ever missed the point.

Not only is a pregnancy a medical condition, it involves another human being. While many women experience problem-free pregnancies and deliveries, others develop complications and sometimes even the baby has problems. Number One, a pregnancy is a health condition that brings forth anther human with their own health needs.

Number Two, the reason why there is a maternity leave is two-fold. Not only is it for mother-child bonding, it is also for the beginning of a physical recovery from the pregnancy and delivery process. It takes over 12 months for a woman's body to return to its pre-pregnant condition, and I am not referring to the weight. All kinds of internal organs rearrange themselves over time in order to accommodate the baby. All kinds of hormones and cells do amazing nesting things and it takes a long while to readjust. I know women who get curly hair while pregnant, or acne or varicose veins. The female body is amazing in the ability to carry life. Whatever length the maternity leave is, it isn't long enough to fully readjust.

Number Three, if a mom is returning to work outside the home after her leave, those few weeks of bonding aren't nearly enough before leaving baby with others. And if she is breast feeding, she either has to pump or give it up. If she pumps, she has to take extra bathroom breaks in order to do the pumping. And it isn't as simple as pumping up a mattress. After she gets the milk, she has to store it and remember to bring it home -- keeping it in a cool place in the car, too. There's a lot to feeding baby. And don't forget the outfit changes. Baby isn't the only one who gets messy.

Speaking of work... What do you call laundry and dishes? Bill paying and vacuuming? Cooking and cleaning? Changing sheets and more laundry? Coaching and teaching children? Shopping and planning? Doctor and dental visits? Homework and team support? The family calendar? Not to mention the nurturing and encouraging that all parents should be doing with every family member.

I do not know of one woman, and I've met thousands, who "rested" and "focused on themselves" either during or after a pregnancy. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Once your body becomes a vessel for another human being, it's exhausting and exhilarating all at once. But one thing it isn't anymore is your own. You no longer get to choose when you will go to be bathroom, sleep, move or sit ever again. You go from first to last. Some women have a terrible time accepting this "last" position in the pecking order. But it just is.

It doesn't mean you don't matter anymore. In fact, you matter more. It's in that mattering that we find out we aren't the most important person in our universe anymore. Part of the deal is holding our potty until we can take a few minutes to run into the Loo. Part of the deal is making sure everybody has their oxygen mask on first before your pedicure. Part of the deal is having that little someone tell you that you're the best mommie in the whole world and feeling your heart skip a beat. It doesn't mean you lose yourself, but you do become refined along the way.

You do a lot of waiting as a mom. Especially if you wanted to do something grown-up after they fall asleep. Time seems suspended when you hit a red light and your baby wakes up screaming because his suburban crib suddenly isn't in motion, or when you are trying to check out at the grocery store with a toddler grabbing everything in the cart with his octopus arms. Then one day you pass the little coin-operated riding toy outside the store and realize they haven't asked for a ride in months, and you'll realize time just blinked on by and your heart will skip another beat.

A maternity leave is to focus on the new family combination, not the self. It's probably mis-titled if anyone thinks it's all about free time to indulge and enjoy and bask in one's self. New mothers do basking alright, at about 4:30 a.m. when we open our eyes to the pre-dawn sky and realize what we get to be...right before hearing the call of the wild. Our basking is done in bits and spurts along the way. Every once in awhile we may get some precious alone time, but I bet you most of us text the family just to check in even then. A maternity leave is the introductory period of learning how to become more multi-faceted and multi-tasking as we learn how to live and relate in new family dynamics.

And yes, having children is different than not having children. And no, people should not be treated "the same" when the conditions are not.

Signs That You May Be More of a Friend Than Parent*

(*If you are raising a child, I am referring to you as a parent no matter what your title may be)

Do you trade secrets? Share your stuff? Change your mind in order to be liked? Want to make your children happy at all costs?

Uh-oh. Maybe you are more of a friend to your kid than you are a parent.

Do you tell your children about the mortgage? Your diet? Your worries?

Uh-oh again. Do they really need to know these things?

Why is this not good? Because friends are fickle and growing kids will experience highs and lows as they learn who they are and who would make a good and lasting friend. The last thing they need is a parent to be part of that fluid category.

Kids need a rock-solid, dependable and fiercely loving force in their lives especially as they develop. If the force is perceived as weak or unable to lead, who will the children feel safe with?

Who better to be that force than a parent? Kids need to be able to count on their parent(s) to provide the guidelines and navigation while they go about bumping into life's realities.

Children need guidelines and regulation in order to develop in a healthy manner. Children who do not receive nurturing (different than the buddy system) and guidance are like ships without rudders. They intuitively want a course to follow, and if the parents don't provide one, they will find some group or mindset that will. This is why we hear about children joining dicey groups or gangs. They want to belong. And if they don't belong to you and your family, they will absolutely belong somewhere.

Being a parent does not mean you can't play with your kid. But it does mean they know how to respect your boundaries and authority. Walking around your house naked because you feel free was fine before kids. Now they need to learn about their own bodies and privacy - not to mention safety. If you give guidance ahead of time, you won't be "the bad guy" when it's time to put the Lego's away. Simply set a timer and say "let's play Lego's for an hour, then we will start to make dinner". Or whatever else comes next. When the timer rings, calmly say it's time to put them away. (I like to set a 5 minute warning before the actual timer goes off so kids can transition easier. "That was the 5-minute warning, then it will be time to pick up in 5 minutes.")

Tempted to overshare about your sex life? The bills? Your bad day at work? Your bad childhood? A neighbor. Think again. Kids are not abstract thinkers and their brains are incapable at this point in development of receiving such information and holding it appropriately. Furthermore, it compromises your role as a safe authority figure and places the kids in a place of wanting to help you.  Or a state of anxiety they can't yet describe.

They are not the parents and should be encouraged to enjoy their childhood. Do not burden your kids with adult stuff. We operate as adults for a whole lot longer than we get to be kids. Don't rush it and don't take away their innocence. Be that secure force in their lives. It's not too late to ramp up your parenting.

I Demand

We live in a world of "demand". We can watch movies "on demand". We can listen to music "on demand". We can bank with an immediate tap. We can customize our coffee, pre-order and pick it up. We can ask Alexa and she'll answer us immediately. She'll even change your TV channel for you. We can order groceries and there's a special place to park the second you arrive for pick up. We can arrange for dinner deliveries any night of the week - ingredients already chopped and measured. We can take, edit and post a photograph with free apps on our phone. We can order a monthly box of clothing to arrive so we don't even have to think about what to wear anymore.

Things that were once considered fast are now too slow. We are reminded every six months that our "new" smart phone or tablet is now an "older version" because of the latest, shiniest model. We are reminded every time we go on social media that someone else is having more fun, going more places or doing life better.

In this world of demand and now, we have lost the ability to wait well. And, we've lost the ability to recognize that not everything goes our way. These are two vital areas that parents must combat in our microsecond world of instant convenience. If we aren't careful, the next generations will ascend in to adulthood even more self-absorbed than the current one who can't be bothered to RSVP or say thank-you.

Our world of demand allows children to pick and choose what they will look at and listen to. Power children did not have in generations prior. We've gone from saving up to buy a record you want to listen to, to scrolling and tapping for free. One of the greatest things stores like Starbucks did for the everyday Joe was to give them the power to choose every detail they can about a cup of coffee. Brilliant. People who don't know who they would vote for can stand with self assurance and dictate their drink of choice. Empowering.

Parents who want to teach their children to wait, or teach their children that they must learn to accept that some things do not go their way are like salmon. Swimming against a powerful social current to do their duty. I say, keep swimming! Recognize that this is indeed a challenge, but it must be done. I believe you can think creatively about how you can introduce and keep these essential aspects of becoming a solid citizen in the forefront.

Instead of seeing how fast they can do something, try finding out "how careful" they can be for things like writing, drawing or folding.

Instead of asking what they want to drink, offer 2 choices. They pick one. It might not be their favorite because their favorite wasn't even offered. Try this with treats, too. Or even cereal.

Instead of telling them to "hurry up" and get in the car, tell them thirty minutes in advance that the car leaves at 7:45. Set the timer for 5 minutes earlier and calmly state that when the timer rings, it will be time to get in the car/get their backpack/shoes etc. Set them up for success by ensuring that backpacks and coats et al are located near the door for easy departure.

Remove the word "hurry" from your vocabulary. You slow down. You plan ahead enough so no one has to rush. Replace all the times you are urging the gang along with encouragement and praises. Or asking questions to learn how they think.

Look ahead to things as a family and as individual family members. Count down to holidays or birthdays. Count down to family movie night on the sofa. Create your own big deal and enjoy the anticipation. It can be as simple as Tuesday is Library Day. Or Sunday is Soup and Salad night.

When you are at a red light, make use of your time by chatting or singing - not mumbling about how this safety feature is slowing you all down.

Remember that it takes 18 years to officially be grown up in the world. There are different developmental stages and phases that must occur in order for the next one to take place. We can't rush time, even if we allow our 11-year old daughter to dress as if she was hitting a night club. You'll do damage to her for rushing her along, but she won't be 18 until 18 years have passed no matter how hard you or she tries to out-dress her age. A one-year old can't read, but a four-year old can recognize their name. A 13-year old doesn't have the ability to think abstractly and should not be given the car keys because they are biologically unable to process abstract response options.

Set a budget for clothing and allow your teens to choose what they are using the money for. If they decide they don't want to get new shoes, fine. But they have to learn to live with the ones they have. If they spend it all on one thing they have to live with that choice until the next budget.

Be consistent about the pay periods you use for allowances and family meetings. Keep that schedule so that they can learn about consistency and plan ahead with their finances.

Teach your kids how to make and pack their own lunches.

Make one big dinner a week that involves each family member in preparation and enjoy each step of anticipation.

Catch your kids working on learning a new skill and point out their hard work. Notice progress. Give them praise. "You did such a great job with your shoes today!", "That piece you just played on the piano shows how much you've learned in music", "Way to go on making your bed!" "Wow, you brought that C up to a B - great work!" "I was glad when you let me know you were at Billy's house instead of Tommy's like I thought."

Insist on treating everyone kindly. Please and Thank You. Eye contact. Keep space in lines. Do not attempt to get ahead in lines. Hands to ourselves. We pay before we use or eat something. We smile at the workers in the stores even if they don't thank us. We do not talk about people behind their backs. We are no better or worse than anyone else. We work for things, we don't just get them handed to us. There is always someone else we can help. Do not ignore other people. Think about how the other person might be feeling. Unkind words can leave lasting hurts - don't be that person.

And to think it all starts with waiting and finding out we don't always get what we want.

When Mother's Day is Hard to Celebrate

The weeks leading up to Mother's Day bombard us wherever we go with gift ideas. The cards. The obligatory flowers. The last-minute gift ideas. The brunch reservations. On the radio, we hear the count down until the big day when we honor our mothers. If you are married, you may have a scheduling challenge regarding which mom to see and when. If you are in your own family, you have to remember to include your self. Mother's Day is such a big day in North America that many realtors forgo open houses this day because the focus is on the moms.

But what if you can't celebrate your mom because she is no longer alive? What if you can't celebrate her because she lives across the country? What if you can't celebrate her because you are currently in a fight? Or what if you can't celebrate her because she never nurtured you in the first place?  What if the desire of your heart is to be a mother yourself and it looks like that might not ever happen? For these and many other reasons I have not thought of, sometimes Mother's Day can be a very painful day for some.

So what do we do? If we are among the ones able to celebrate their mothers, we can be grateful we are in that position, keeping in mind that many others are not so fortunate. We can also remove the casual query in our social chit-chat about what someone else is doing on that day. If we know someone hurting about their mother, we could invite them do some activity the day before to create a different memory. We could even invite "mothers day orphans" over on mother's day if that works with the family dynamics. If your husband doesn't honor you, you can teach your kids how to make mother's day pancakes yourself and have fun.

If we are are in the category of those who don't value their mothers - or maybe just in a fight - there are some objective things we can do so that our hurt or anger abates. First of all, remember that your mother came to who she was honestly - based on her own life experiences and how she experienced her mother. Some of our moms just don't have the extra "mom" finesse because of their history. It's no excuse, but it is a reason why they are/were who they are/were. Go back the generation before your mother. What was her mother's mother like? Many mothers of large families simply had no time with heavy duties of running a family, possibly even as a single parent.

If your mother doesn't behave the way that you would like, can you respect her opinions and viewpoints apart from yours even if they don't line up? It's what she thinks. And how she thinks is shaped by how she was treated growing up. If no one nurtured her and she didn't know that should be included in mothering, how can you expect to be cuddled now? I am simply pointing out that I believe people do the best they can with what they have in a given situation. I don't think they are looking to hurt you specifically, unless there is some pathology.

If you are dealing with mental illness or addiction or criminal activity, the same thing goes. There are reasons why people do or say things that explain the why. It's when we put our expectations on others that we get into trouble. Your mother may only be able to give you the bit you got. You may wish it was more, and that's okey to wish. But to live expecting it year after year when she is just not able only sets you up for hurt and anger. Grieve what you didn't get. Let go of the fact you weren't her favorite. And then use your healing to give that to others in spite of your loss. Have you found an honorary mother to share your life? You can be one to someone else, too. And don't forget by giving what you didn't get to your own kids breaks the cycle.

If you happen to be one of those who is just pissed off at your mother and have shut her out of your life, think calmly about your reasons. Did she do something evil to you? To anyone? Is whatever you are angry about even your business? If you have a mom reaching out to you and you ignore her without informing her why, then the shame goes on you for attempting to hold some power trip over her. If you have explained why you can't be in her life clearly (and it makes rational sense), then that's a different story. Just make sure you aren't creating a wall for the wrong reason, and that you got all the information directly. This is not the time to base your actions on someone else's words. Try as you might, you will always know who your mother is, so you really can't erase her.

You have come to your understanding of self and world as a result of your unique life experiences. Holding a grudge will never make you a better person. Each thing you attempt to do until you get things set up correctly in the forgiveness department will be tainted in some degree if you have any moral character. If you are one of the true motherless people, may your day be filled with tender memories. Search those memory banks and see if you can't find a couple. Most moms truly are on a sweet, clumsy path to do their simple best for their babies. Have you thought about that?

Did Harvey Weinstein's Parents Have "The Talk" With Him?

When is it time to have "The Talk" with your kids? Bet you can't guess my answer. Unless you've met me.

My answer is NEVER.

Whaaaat? That's because there isn't just one talk, one time. It's an ongoing series of phrases laced together over the years the minute you first hold your little creation and it's based upon your relationship. Let me repeat that last part: based upon your relationship.

If your relationship consists of ordering your child around, don't expect your 12-year-old to open up to you with questions. Same goes if you have not been available or you've been violent. If you have shown your child you listen to them and treat them valuably (oh and for sure discipline) along the way, you'll have earned the platform to continue conversation during what I arguably believe to be the most difficult years of a person's life - middle and high school.

Their bodies are transforming rapidly. Their brains are growing (and don't stop until the late 20s). They are moving from concrete to abstract thinking. And on top of all of this, they are awkward and tired and have media images shoved in their electronic faces telling them they ought to look a whole lot different than they really do. It is a naturally confusing time. Being forgetful comes with the territory. I visibly wince when someone complains about a "lazy teenager" to me. Or puts any label with a lift of the eyebrow on kids that age. This is a tough time developmentally even before you factor in their unique life circumstances.

In order to get ready for that time, you start at birth or in the womb if you are a prayer-bear like me. You nurture, ooh and ahh and set up guidelines to keep them safe. As they grow, you grow. You add more words to your chats. Let your little tot know the proper names for each part of the body. Say them matter-of-factly as you are dressing them and act calm. You may need to practice saying some words ahead of time if you have been accustomed to thinking some words are awkward. This is just information, folks.

Don't worry about the how-to's too early. There are a number of great books parents can read along with their kids if you want to. Maybe as tweens? But covering the basics early on is just fine. And I like to add stories like "when I was pregnant with you I loved to eat ice cream" or "when you were an itty bitty, you couldn't lift up your head" to personalize the developmental journey. As a Christian, I emphasized how this all comes from God's plan to know people. Things like menstrual cycles and nocturnal emissions are bodily functions to learn about. Not a bad idea to start having your sons wash their own sheets around age 11, moms.

Getting back to my point. Talking to your kids about sex isn't a one-time event. And it shouldn't start in school. It isn't "gross" or "embarrassing" unless you treat it that way. I believe the more conversational and informational parents can be (without lecturing, folks) the more competent kids will become in thinking about how they use their growing bodies.

If they don't grow up with shame, perhaps they will become ladies and gentlemen in society rather than those committing acts on others contributing to the current #MeToo movement? As parents, we can help our kids frame how to think about sex and think of others in respectful ways. Ignoring this responsibility only allows for kids to think things up alone and in this area, guidance is needed to lead healthy and productive lives.

Taking Your Kids To Starbucks

Right now I am sitting behind a mom with three boys under the age of six. When they came in, I grimaced. I had specifically gone to a different Starbucks in order to disappear into my work uninterrupted and in came chattering backpacks bigger than the boys. The backpacks meant they were going to be here for awhile. Did I remember to bring my earbuds??

The first clue that this was going to be different was when I saw the oldest boy carrying all three hot chocolates across the room for his brothers. He held two in one hand just like a server. Mom had walked over to the garbage can and joined him on his way back to the table. She smiled and said calmly, "Oh you got them all??!! Nice." No rush to to grab them because he might spill. Just proud affirmation of his thoughtfulness.

They started to unpack their backpacks. The oldest had some homework worksheets that mom quickly encouraged him to work on while busying the other two with a separate activity. It's been nearly an hour now, and I haven't needed to insulate myself with Pandora. The entire gang has been pleasantly-and-volume-appropriately-occupied at their table. None of the other Starbucks patrons sitting at their screens has even looked up. I want to applaud!!

In fact, the pleasant chatter and sweet "Mommy's" are better music. They aren't fighting for attention or whining. Each one is being validated by Mom and she measures her attention back and forth. Just now she gave an assignment for the oldest to read to the middle one while she took the youngest to the Loo.

Why does this situation work so smoothly? Easy. Mom is utterly focused on her babies and she isn't trying to do anything else.

The kids can be addressed as a group with side bars for a specific child. The boys clearly behave as if they belong in a nurtured group. So impressive.

The other big thing that puts a smile on my face is that mom is doing a Bible Study with the boys. It's age-appropriate and interactive. They chat happily with each other about favorite colors as they mention what happened that week. This is priceless.

"Yup"

"There you go"

"Where is...."

"Okay"

"What would I do first?"

No correcting words are used - just redirection.

You can tell that this style of parenting is the norm for these children. And they know that they are safe and cared for. Valued but not doted on. Mom maintains a sweet, non-anxious presence.

I wish I could say I saw this scenario often, but I really don't. Usually the mom is on her smart phone and the kids are fending for themselves. They might be sitting together, but there is no interaction. Unless of course they get loud, then two moms out of ten will speak up while keeping her attention affixed to her precious communication device.

In the psychology world, the sweet Starbucks mom was "fully present". Here's a decaf toast to all the caregivers out there who take the time to really be there for their kids. The investment is priceless.

The P.O.D.

This stands for Parent on Duty. It was the code word my husband and I used in front of our children to indicate the need for the cavalry to take over.

I can honestly say our kids never saw us argue about parenting in front of them. (Although we argued about other important things such as why didn't he use the parking place I had identified.) In front of the kids, we did not want them to hear some of the thoughts running through our heads like:

• I can't take this anymore
• Please help me
• I need to leave the house
• I'm exhausted from arguing with them
• I'm beat to _______
• I'm going crazy
• You won't believe what I've been dealing with
• This will take both of us to handle

Rather than articulate reality, we created our simple S.O.S. code and sweetly conjured up a valium-esque smile and would say, "Will you be the P.O.D.?" or sometimes just "P.O.D!!!"

We used this code only when necessary. So when the question was asked, neither one of us balked. It was time to roll up our sleeves and step in. Right away.

Sometimes, the request would be "I need you to be the P.O.D. tomorrow night because I have a meeting." Or, "I need a bath." Neither one of us questioned the other's need for support. We just stepped in, allowing the harried spouse to go breathe for awhile.

Our youngest could have charged batteries for the Everyready corporation with his level of constant energy, so he was most frequently dual P.O.D'd. 

P.O.D. was used to deal with the momentary parenting issues when you need extra arms and legs, velcro or duct tape and a flare. Bathing, eating or playing with toys was not included. Putting your child back in the stroller every time you paused was. Or trying to catch them at the playground when it's time to go home. Or when they have decided they can't hear your voice any longer. Or when you changed the last diaper.

We haven't used this phrase in years. It faded from our vocabulary the taller and more adept with life skills they became.  I chuckle now as I reflect on how that silly code brought us together as a parenting team and how supported we each felt. All we had to do was ask. In code.

The Little Boy at Starbucks

If you read much form me, you know that Starbucks is my office. In fact, I have a chain of them to select from. For the mere price of a decaf mocha, I can and have sat for hours bent over a book or my laptop enjoying a pleasant atmosphere where I can focus away from home. Yesterday was no exception.

When I arrived, there was only one table occupied in the entire location. On one side sat a woman with her laptop screen open, papers and her phone resting at the side. She was intent on the screen's information. Across from her sat a little boy no more than seven years old. He was dressed in a striped T-shirt reminiscent of the 70s and neatly combed hair. A backpack hung on the back of his chair as he crouched over a hand-held electronic item. I surmised this was a mother and son and she needed to take him with her while she worked, so she took her laptop to Starbucks instead of the office.

They had been there awhile before I arrived. I say this because their belongings appeared to be well-established and they were settled. Empty drink cups sat on the table. I was there four hours. They left thirty minutes before I did. Not once did I see that boy move from his chair or hear him speak. The woman took a few phone calls but did not leave her chair, either. At one point when I went to order another drink, he appeared slumped over the table so I thought he fell asleep. Nope. He had just found a way to rest his forehead on the table and play the game from his lap.

I did not hear a word from either of them as they packed up for the day. The woman did not break a smile and appeared lost in thought. The little boy was non-reactive and appeared as if he was used to going places with her and occupying himself.

Upon first seeing them, I thought it was a mom-and-son-day and they were just hanging out together. When mom kept her focus on her laptop screen and he didn't speak, I thought it was mom-didn't-have-anyone-to-watch-her-son-while-she-worked-day. When I kept seeing the boy stay in his chair, I thought it was the-most-compliant-boy-in-the-world-day, coupled with neither-of-my-kids-would-have-ever-sat-3-minutes-silently-across-from-me-day. At the end of these occasional observations, I decided it was #sadface-little-boy-at-starbucks-day.

Why a sad face? Because that little boy spent at least half of a business day with beautiful summer weather lighting up the windows sitting in a chair alone. Sure, his mom was across from him. But only physically. Mentally she was computing, managing and planning. Even when they packed up, she did not notice him much less make a big deal about how much she was able to get done that they could now go get some ice cream and run at the park. Sure. She might have said that in the car. But in my not to be humble opinion, she missed her moment. That was one tired little boy. His eyes had been zombieing on a small electronic screen for hours. He had not spoken. No one had spoken to him. Mom might have felt like she had gotten a lot done, but that little boy was on empty. He needed instant affirmation.

Yes, I know what it is like to be a working mom with no one to watch my kids while having to face deadlines. Yes, my kids have "had" to come along with me from time to time. The difference was that they got attention, praise and eye contact. They did not have to sit quietly. I allowed myself to be interrupted by them. This mom might have had a drop-dead piece of work to complete. She did look awfully serious. But I still contend she could have smiled at her boy from time to time and hugged him once they stood up. And she should have enthusiastically praised his socks off. Video games aren't that fun for that long. Another suggestion? She could have made sure he had brought a variety of items to use and coached him to change focus now and then. And a wink across the top of her computer screen? Priceless.

Working parents: please don't forget that your little boy at Starbucks is a little human being with thoughts and feelings all his own. Just because he can sit there quietly doesn't mean he doesn't have something to say. Your facial expressions and words mean far more than you think. That was his day as much as it was yours.

Parenting Information Overload

The other day I was sitting with a toddler mom who shared a concern she and her friends had that they were missing developmental teaching moments as they learned the ropes of motherhood. They didn't know how to guard against that and spent more time anxious and chastising themselves.

I couldn't help but wonder if - in their quest to provide such perfect experiences with their wee ones - their angst overrode any of the fun or joy. It wasn't so long ago (in my heart) that I was one of those wide-eyed moms hoping to do parental justice on behalf of her own little baby. My mom was no longer alive, so I entered the role with a significant wisdom handicap.

Not only didn't I have a mom, my family was practically nonexistent. That's what happens when your parents are both only children and you move across the country. Here I am in a new city 2 months from the big day having no idea what to do, much less purchase in order to get the nursery ready. So, I decided to create a survey from the three baby books I had devoured that told me what items I simply had to have on hand at birth. Things like numbers of diapers, burp cloths, onesies, t-shirts, sheets, bottles, etc. I took this differing information and made a chart. From that chart I computed averages. Armed with that, I went shopping at the nearby outlet mall with a new also-expectant friend. It was hard for her to keep her eyebrows at a reasonable latitude when I brought out my list. But at that point, my list was my wisdom since I didn't have anyone in the flesh to ask. I stuck to my averages and bought my items, and discovered as time went along that not every baby needs 24 burp cloths.

I am happy to tell you not only did my first baby survive my mothering, so did my second! In fact, we all thrived. With a ten-year gap in-between, I had to re-buy and learn things all over again. And the second time I even did it without a survey much less any baby books telling me what to do or expect. They don't "need" all of the things advertised. It all depends on your lifestyle and baby. I tried that sling wrap thing that I admired other moms wearing. My baby hung out upside down and screeched.

The difference between me before the birth of my first and the birth of my second blessing? Confidence. I learned early on with baby #1 that I knew more that I thought I did once I paused to think for myself and not follow like a sheep. Initially I linked up with a number of mommy groups. But I wasn't a robot and I sucked at legalism. I wasn't about to wake up my sleeping baby to feed her just to maintain a schedule or change what was sure to be a wet diaper. Sleep is good. From this experience I learned to find my own mommie voice and discover what worked for my baby in my household. I survived the whole comparison of ability thing by chirping out ignorant feats to distract those anxious moms and gently removed myself from those weekly shame-a-thons.

As I grew in my own new discoveries, my baby was right there with me. Sometimes we learned together. Like what it was like to go to the store and have a volcanic breastmilk eruption down the front of my shirt. Or what it was like to check a baby in while I went to church. Or change pooped out clothes using your car's trunk. The longer I was a mommie, the more of an expert on my kid I became. Seeing how their minds and bodies worked prompted me to naturally do things that books now tell you to tap into your smart phone as a reminder.

When they are sitting on your lap as you read a book, don't turn the page to continue the narrative if you see your baby is more interested in pointing things out. How easy is it for us to ask them questions? What is that? Why do you think that's there? What do you think will happen next?

These guys are learning every second of every day. No wonder they need naps or get cranky! Constant intake is overwhelming. Everything you do with your toddler is an adventure, so don't think you even have to leave your yard. It's a big deal to them even if it isn't to you. Just stay off social media and be fully present with your child. Your time with them is more precious than the thing you think you have to hurry up and do.

One of the most soothing memories I have is taking my young son's hand (and having to lean low toward his shortness) as he toddled his way through the grocery store parking lot. All of the rush-zip-boom-ba whooshed out of my body as I experienced one careful step after the other right along with him.

I learned I knew more than I thought when I gave myself some credit. I also stopped flooding my mind with every possible parenting book and theory. Find one theory that works for you and you're set. Mine was Dr. Kevin Leman's reality discipline.Your role is to help your child learn from reality - not to scold, nag or warn. You teach calmly. I've taught this theory to hundreds of families and when it is used correctly, it's simple, effective and fun. The biggest downfall is the parental urge to nag and narrate "I told you so, see?" or any other such useless verbiage your kid translates to blah-blah-blah anyway.

There's a reason it takes 18 years to launch your kid, so please relax those clenched muscles, take a deep breath and enjoy it step by step.

What's In That Easter Basket?

There are four times a year I especially hate shopping in big box stores: Valentines, Easter, Halloween and Christmas. That's because the buffet of merchandise thrust in our periphery forces us to think about that next holiday coming up in... three months.

Forget about how they rush time on us. What about the sea of items dangled in front of our children enticing us to think we ought to buy? Our senses are accosted with stuffed, plastic, candied nothings. Wastes of money, all of it. Not one of the plastic toys will last a few days. The confetti paper will clog the vacuum and the candy-shaped items are insipid.

All this does is teach our children to become good consumers with poor taste. Especially when a recent kid movie is tied in to the holiday with their own low quality merchandise.

Parents: there is more to talking with your kids than asking them if they like their Smurf hat. There is more to any holiday than getting stuff. There is more to life than following what the marketers want you to waste your money on. Especially if you are on subsidy. Rather than bemoan what you can't afford, teach your children all of this junk is out there to tease people into wasting money.

Any holiday can be celebrated as a family without a monogramed pail, yard sign or special toothpaste. The big box retailers have successfully assisted in watering down North American events by having a special napkin we'd better buy or we won't be celebrating correctly. What happened to making your own paper ornaments? Baking together - not from the kit sold in the store?? Reading or acting out an event? Creating a memory does not cost a cent, folks. Don't be fooled by the ads you see. They are just doing their job - to get you to think you need their stuff in order to make your holiday happy.

When my kids were preschoolers, I taught them that commercials and ads were there to trick people. Their job was to make us think we had to "have more, need more or want more". Initially they both told me that couldn't be true, because it was on TV! But I was relentless. Even their beloved TV that played their special shows or DVDs existed for the very same reason. They began to learn that everyone who speaks isn't necessarily speaking truth, and slowly they began to realize things for themselves. It didn't take too many intentionally purchased dollar toys for them to see how quickly they broke. And before they hit the double digits, both began to think about saving money for something made better and longer lasting.

Our Easter baskets reflected fun, of course. But they also pointed toward the real reason we celebrate Easter in the first place - the gift of forgiveness and eternal life by Jesus Christ's death and resurrection. Yes there was a bit of candy, but there was also a book or DVD to reinforce what we were teaching about godly character. After I realized how cheap baskets broke and other baskets added to the clutter, I used the same two baskets year after year. They came out the night before Easter and went back in a closet the day after.

I resolved not to follow the commercialism that multiplies generationally. It gets harder and harder, doesn't it? As parents, we get to choose what our kids are taught. If you don't want your kids focused on getting things - especially poorly made things that mess up your house - you can take a refreshing stand. Use the mind you have that the advertisers are trying to dull.

I like to imagine what it was like 100 years ago before so many more material goods developed. The meaning of the event was the point - not the stuff around it.

#Nostalgic

Is It Because They Can't or Because They Won't?

In my work with families as well as in my studies, I have become more and more aware of how important it is to have an early diagnosis in cases of children with special needs.  The earlier the diagnosis, the less stress for the parents. Not that special needs children don't have their own set of stresses, of course they do. But studies show that the younger the child is when diagnosed, the lower the stress level on the parents over time. I'll add my own input here: and the sooner your child can begin receiving the proper developmental care.

Getting diagnosed early is also a problem. I knew from the womb our son was driven by a motor. From birth he didn't sleep - he merely recharged. By age three I read up on ADHD and his behaviors met all criteria. But the doctors would not even assess him until he was six. Yes we had nearly six very judgmental, stressful years. Two months before his sixth birthday, I begged the doctor to do the assessment. He complied and his ADHD was now confirmed by proper channels which meant we now had ammo to use with school to get support vs. judgement.

We didn't get that much support, but at least they had some reason behind the animal noises and sudden pouncing. Medication helped him to "focus". We never told him he had ADHD because we didn't want him to feel labeled. We just told him the focus pills would help him be the boss of his brain and he could choose to focus on the tip of his finger or what the teacher was saying. After a few years (and falling asleep on the bus) he told us he didn't like the way he felt with his medicine and we stopped giving it to him. We coached him to remember he had the choice of what to focus on and he worked hard to focus on appropriate things. By middle school the animal noises were gone. People that met him then refused to believe our stories about the three-year-old running laps around the dinner table. We were some of the lucky ones. We got an accurate diagnosis and were able to work with it. We knew early on, but it wasn't confirmed until kindergarten. And through prayer and self-control, our son is now a strong, responsible adult. No one believes he ever had ADHD. That's fine with me - he is now an adult living out the life we dreamed for him to have.

I know families who get early diagnosis only to find out by middle school it wasn't the correct one. Or it wasn't as detailed as it needed to be. One child was thought to have ADHD doesn't. He was thought to be rebellious by refusing to do his work at school or at home. He insisted he understood but refused to do it or give a reason why no matter how many different ways he was asked by his teachers, parents, or therapists. The parents finally commenced a battery of testing that revealed completely different issues with brain ability and processing skills. Everything that has been done for him to date has been the wrong approach. Based upon this new information, a number of new teaching approaches and therapies will need to be put in place. My heart breaks for a child so misunderstood for so long. It isn't that he doesn't want to - he can't.

Sometimes it's easy to know a child has special needs based upon appearance or equipment they use, but more often the special need is invisible. And not every boy rolling on the floor under the table in Sunday School has ADHD. Sometimes, it's just a disobedient kid. Before you decide it's someone with poor parents, before you decide it's a defiant kid - stop. Spend some time understanding what is going on first.

Since the younger the child, the harder it can be to fully diagnose, I would get several opinions - especially if you do not see any progress after six months. It's going to be hard to figure out what to call a child on if they have a strong will and a learning disability. It will be essential you find out what they are capable of so you can reinforce that. And I wouldn't let your special needs child use that as an excuse.

To cheer you up, take a look at some short lists of celebrities who have become successful contributors in various fields - if not the world. Don't stay discouraged! There is hope for anyone who wants to try.

Famous people with autism: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Daryl Hannah, Andy Warhol, Lewis Carroll, Dan Ackroyd

Famous people with OCD: Justin Timberlake, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jessica Alba, Katy Perry, Howie Mandel, Cameron Diaz, David Beckham, Charlize Theron, Albert Einstein, Penelope Cruz, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Alec Baldwin, Michael Jackson, Rose McGowan, Harrison Ford, Donald Trump, Martin Scorsese, Howard Stern, Woody Allen,

Famous people with ADHD: Justin Timberlake, Will Smith, Michael Phelps, Jamie Oliver, Jim Carrey, Sir Richard Branson, Howie Mandel,  Bill Gates, Eva Longoria, Joan Rivers,  Steven Tyler (Aerosmith), Elvis Presley, Michael Jordan, Stevie Wonder, Jack Nicholson,

Famous people with dyslexia: Jay Leno, Whoopi Goldberg, Henry Winkler, Steven Spielberg, Selma Hayek, Mohammad Ali, Magic Johnson, Keira Knightly,  Keanu Reeves, Charles Schwab (investor),  Vince Vaughn, Tim Tebow, Anderson Cooper, Cher, Tommy Hilfiger,  Daymond John, Barbara Corcoran, Ingvar Kamprad (IKEA founder), Paul Orfalea (Kinkos founder), Brian Grazer (director), Salma Hayek, Tom Cruise, Steve Jobs, Alyssa Milano, Anthony Hopkins, John Lennon,  Leonardo Da Vinci,  Ozzy Osborne, Danny Glover, Galileo Galilei (mathematician, scientist,physicist, astronomer),  Patrick Dempsey, Pres. Woodrow Wilson,  Pablo Picasso, Harry Belafonte, Octavia Spencer, General George Patton, Jules Verne, Alexander Graham Bell, Astronaut Peter Conrad, Neil Smith (footballer), Mark Schlereth (footballer), Frank Gore (footballer), Jeremy Bondsman (baseball),

Famous people with dyspraxia: Daniel Radcliffe, Albert Einstein, Richard Branson

Famous people with dysgraphia: Agatha Christie, Albert Einstein, George Patton, Henry Winkler, Thomas Edison

#Overcomers

What Kind of Fit is Your Kid Having?

One of my favorite authors under the family therapy banner is Dr. Dan Siegel. He has pioneered the concept of "mindsight" and is both informative and funny as he shares his knowledge about how the brain works. His scientifically proven information is useful in everyday parenting and speaks to parents who need facts as well as pictures.

Did you know there is a science to the way our brains process things? Dr. Dan refers to it as the upstairs and downstairs brain. The downstairs brain is where the emotions live. That's where the "fight or flight" reactions exist. We breathe and blink from here without thinking. This part of the brain is with us from birth, but needs the developing upstairs brain to keep us balanced. The upstairs brain is where our logic lives. This includes our ability to plan, evaluate and understand. This part of the brain isn't finished developing until the mid-twenties. During the teen years it's really working overtime (as is the rest of the body).

I've always thought I was a pretty good judge of "fake fits". The kid in Target who gets this glint in their eye and then goes for it. Dr. Dan refers to this as an "upstairs" fit because the child made a conscious decision to try to get their way with you. The good news is that this is the kind of fit you can reason with. As long as you remain unemotional. (Remember neutrality is always your friend when it comes to the tone in your voice.)

But there is another kind of fit where the child is truly out of emotional control. That's the "downstairs" fit. Something has triggered your kiddo and there wasn't time for any regulation with the upstairs brain. BAM! Your kid is full-range out of control. This is not the time where any words will do. In order to let your kid know you are emotionally there for them, meet them emotionally. A hug, a pat, empathetic words. Wait it out. Don't try to introduce logic at this point because it simply will not work. In fact, it is scientifically impossible for it to work.

Living between the upstairs and downstairs brain is this thing called the amygdala. That's the button that gets pushed. Depending on maturity, mental health or history, regulation may not occur. Some of my special needs clients go from 0 to 60 with no emotional in-between. They are unable to recognize an emotion, they merely react and react wildly. We all have things that can push our buttons and start us on the path of blind emotional reaction. When we can talk to ourselves and take note that we have had a button pushed, we can reign ourselves in because we are more self-aware. We can even go ask for a hug.

Our goal as parents is to teach our children to learn to recognize their emotions and develop the ability to regulate their responses. When your child yells "I can't help it, I'm ANGRY!!!" you know they aren't there yet. We have to help our kids to realize that emotions do not rule us. We rule our emotions. That does not mean we stuff them, but it does mean we have a whole sophisticated part of our brain under development that can help us understand them appropriately.

Recognizing that there really are two different kinds of fits was encouraging to me even though that my kids are well beyond that stage now. It helps to be able to reflect on the past and address situations that arise with others now.

The Whole Brain Child by Dr. Dan is full of diagrams and explanations about how the brain works and how you can use your understanding to practically communicate with your kids. In fact, he recommends you teach your children how their brains work - even as toddlers. Worth adding to your library regardless of the age of your kids. And, a biggie in my mind - reader friendly.

Coloring Your Stress Away (for your kids, too)

It started for me three years ago when I began working with special needs children. I needed things to do with them because just talking wasn't connecting. Proof that people do not hear a huge percentage of what we say and why I urge parents to resist the temptation to narrate. Kids are professionals at tuning out the "drone voice".

Back to coloring. I thought it would be a good idea to have something to color during our meetings. The grocery store coloring books are printed on such poor quality paper I went to Amazon and ordered some with beautiful scenes. I found some #Melissa&Doug blending markers and brought these items to my kid meetings. Throughout that fall, we colored our way through conversations and skills teaching. Of course I colored right along with my clients because I wanted to show them I like to participate. Not to mention that I like to color, too. By Valentine's Day, I was often coloring at home as a way to relax from a day of mental health. I needed to order more coloring books and found other markers and colored pencils, too. Then came the magic: stress reducing coloring books were popping up everywhere!

There are now dozens of different styles and objects to color. The best I've found are under the adult coloring category. Sorry cat lovers, I am just not gonna relax while coloring a kitty. Patterns are my favorite, but you can also get scenes and landscapes if you like. Over the past few years I have experimented with different markers, pens and pencils and have introduced adult coloring to every client (adult and child) as a method of reducing their stress by coloring their way into relaxation.

It really works for anyone willing to sit down and focus on their coloring. Now that adult coloring is "A Thing", rip-offs are everywhere. Beware of the paper quality and size of the books. Not only that, check out how thin or thick the lines are that you will be coloring inside - some are unrealistically thin - how could you color between them? A small coloring book will frustrate a child (or me) who needs more space. You can buy books where you can rip pages out individually. These are the ones I like the best because you aren't struggling to get the book to lie flat while you color. Be sure and get markers that don't bleed through the pages. The kits I see available everywhere have those kind of markers. It's worth it to do your homework. I've found Amazon has better options that I am happier with than any big box impulse buy.

After a year of coloring, I discovered Zentangle. This is where you use fine point markers, draw shapes and then fill in the shapes with random patterns and shading. Talk about being "A Thing"! This is a well-established, respected art form that has existed for a handful of years - I'm just a late blooming fan. There are books and books available to inspire you. This worked really well with one of my special needs kid clients who could amp up their rage within seconds. They were delighted to be calming down and creating a thing of beauty. I truly believe art reaches areas of the human psyche that words cannot. (Above is an ornament I made. Just fold, glue and hang!)

A few months ago, I heard a cable news pundit chiding universities for providing anxious students with crayons and coloring books. He harrumphed and sneered at the idea of "adults coloring" and laughed bitterly. I yelled at the TV and told him he had no idea what he is talking about and was completely out of touch regarding mental health skills.

Coloring, drawing, writing. All stress-reducers. Not only that, they serve double-duty. You learn a new skill and create something along the way.

Conflict Is Inevitable

How many times have you heard someone say (or said yourself) "I don't like conflict." It can be as simple as speaking up to a supervisor who forgot to schedule you for a day off you requested three weeks ago. Or it can be as simple as telling your server your steak is cold. Maybe it goes up a notch because you have a friend that seems to cancel dates and you want to say something about that. Or perhaps your teen is sullen and glares at you when you ask them to finish their chore? What about a spouse or partner's response when you try to bring up how you are feeling?

I believe that the North American culture has sent us a message through our buffet of media formats  and social customs that conflict is bad. Something is wrong if you experience conflict. You will cause a problem with your supervisor, friend or spouse if you voice your opinion or need. Someone will get mad at you if you speak up. Speaking up means you are stirring up emotions. They won't like you anymore. We'd better be quiet. Who wants to be known as a contentious person, anyway?

In my current studies, I have just had an a-ha moment about conflict. North America is wrong. Conflict isn't "bad" just like anger isn't "bad". It's how we handle it that can turn out positive or negative. Bringing up a topic does not mean there is going to be conflict. That's in our anxious minds. Few people want to rock the boat so they keep their mouths shut and don't get their needs met thinking that sharing a need will "cause conflict".  But their idea of " not rocking the boat" can be to eat that cold steak and pay full price for it. That shows their kids that it is not good to speak up. Sometimes those that do speak up do so loudly it becomes a blast of rage. That's not what I'm talking about. It is okay to speak up. In their book "The Family" Ballswick and Ballswick (2014) state that that conflict can never be resolved, therefore we should reframe how we handle it as "conflict management" . I love this concept! Rather than avoid it or seek to seal it up and expect another person to swallow your perspective and call it resolved - what if your plan is to gently state your perspective and manage it instead?  Just like diets are never really over, they just morph into menu management?

Using the example of your supervisor's unintentional scheduling you for a day you requested off, you can go to her and use "I" statements. "I requested the 30th off for my grandma's 90th birthday three weeks ago and noticed I am scheduled to work that day. Can you please help me work this out?" This addresses your area of concern and is NOT conflict. Flouncing up to your supervisor and snapping "Why did you schedule me to work when you knew I needed that day off???" is definitely asking for conflict.  Going to your peers and complaining is useless. See the differences? In one approach, you state what you needed, in the others you blamed and accused. In the first approach, chances are very high that you will be able to enter into a problem-solving conversation with your supervisor that will result in you getting time off for grandma's party. In the second approaches your supervisor is most likely going to be defensive and things will escalate and you will have brought negativity to your peers.

And what about the twinge you get when you know a relative will "get mad at you" if you don't show up for a function? That isn't really conflict. That's their reaction, period.  (Their own deal, not yours.) And if you fear they will "yell at you" for stating that you aren't able to attend, that's still not conflict. It only becomes conflict if you stay on the phone and listen or respond to their rant or accusations. If you do things out of fear of upsetting someone else, you are being manipulated and that's another blog topic.

You can manage your way through any form of conflict by listening carefully and being objective. Try to see the other person's viewpoint. Your relative is yelling at you, that's rude. But what is behind that? Do they feel rejected? Are they controllers and you showed some power? Whatever it is, you can say "I see how my inability to attend that function is upsetting for you." Letting them know you recognize their emotion can help de-escalate the situation. Using "you" statements will do the opposite. Don't fall into that, even if that is what the other person resorts to. That is indeed big-time conflict with little chance of being managed and a great chance of harming the relationship. Not a good weather report.

What if we thought about conflict as a management opportunity rather that something we have to "win"? The only winners in conflict are people that are willing to listen to the other party without putting themselves first. If you find yourself blaming others when they try to bring something up, it is likely that you have shut down the communication.  Just because they aren't talking about that anymore - or they complied to your demand - doesn't mean you won a thing. Only in your mind. You won't draw closer to them if you do not acknowledge either their emotions or responsibility. When we drop the idea of winning and replace it with the idea of learning how to manage our emotions and words responsibly, we are also demonstrating strength to our ever-watching kids. One of the best things we can model and teach our kids is how to handle the inevitable "conflicts" we all face in everyday life. It starts with listening.

Here's to launching a generation of adults who won't "be afraid" about what others will say or respond to when they have a reasonable request! Remember, your body language and tone says as much - or more - than your words.

4 Questions NOT To Ask Your Kids

Or, we could call this Four Ways Not to Hear the Dreaded "I Don't Know" answer.

#1.  What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?
As a kid, one of the most common questions I was asked by well-meaning dinner party guests was "... and what do you want to be when you grow up?" Initially, I froze. Remember, little kids are concrete thinkers. I thought I'd better get the answer correct and usually came up with "teacher" although it wasn't really something I gave much thought to. Of course I got the approving nod. Later, my parents began to groom me to be a business woman without asking about my own passion. I did not live up to those standards but have lived a meaningful life in spite of the brainwashing.

As a mom, I was careful to avoid this question. I did not want my children to grow up thinking there was just one thing they could do or be.  And I was not about to tell them what to do. Instead, I would say something like "what is something that sounds fun to do when you are a grown up?" That way, options were left open to their development and imagination. If you think both questions sound the same, just stop reading this blog. My philosophy is all about the way we frame things for our kids in order to allow them to reach their own conclusions in a safe environment. If you don't place a high value on words or tones, this blog does you no good.

And whatever your kids say, sound agreeable - unless they plan to become a bank robber or outcast. My creative, smart five-year-old insisted for as many more years that she was going to grow up and be a cheesemaker. While I thought she could do so many other things, I verbally encouraged her and asked to have some Gouda. She grew out of that idea by middle school. All on her own.

#2.  How Was School Today?
That's universal code for kids to say a one-word answer like "good" or "fine" to get you off their back. You aren't going to get much detail about the eight hours they were out of your sight with that one.  Of course you want to know what they did, where they sat, how they felt. Did they pay attention? Do they understand what was taught? Was anything controversial said by a teacher? Did anyone hurt their feelings - or did they hurt someone else? You haven't seen them all day.

There are other ways to get the information you want.  First of all, resist the urge to offer up a yes/no question. It's another way for them to toss out the answer they think you are looking for and you really won't learn anything new. I used to play the "3 Things" game. Each of us had to share three things that happened during the day that the other one would not know about. So, they couldn't tell me what sandwich they ate for lunch if I had made it. I couldn't tell them I was wearing jeans. They can see that. This game worked well. I got a lot of information to start conversations from this. Another thing to do is ask who they sat with at lunch or played with at recess. You can always ask to see their planner or homework to get an idea of how they are doing in school. When our kids were in high school, we put them in charge of reading Moodle and reporting back to us about the status of their assignments. (P.S. Parents please don't immediately get upset when you read online that a grade is lower than expected. Teachers routinely post a few days later than assignments are due and you won't have a current picture. Save your angst for concrete facts.)

#3.  Why Did You Do That?
Especially with kids under the age of 10, this is just plain silly. They pinched the baby. They shoved their brother. They repeatedly snapped the lid when you told them to stop. They took the toy away from the dog. They stood in front of the bathroom sink letting the water run. They colored on the doll's face. They threw the Lego. They put the empty milk carton back in the fridge. On and on and on it goes. These guys are concrete thinkers, remember? They can't answer this question to your satisfaction. That's because the answer will not paint them in very good light. Sometimes it's a skill thing. Sometimes it's to stir up trouble. Sometimes it's attention-seeking.

Instead, try taking a mental step back and assess. If' it's attention-seeking, make a statement like "Tonya, we don't take things away from others. We ask nicely. Please come over here and..." If it's a skill thing, use calm wording to reframe they way to do it. "Albert, when the carton is empty, we throw it away and write 'milk' on the grocery list. Thank you." You get it. Another thing to ask gets to the intention behind the situation. Say you walk into the room and there is a broken lamp on the floor. Instead of demanding to know who "did it", ask what they were trying to accomplish instead. You might find out someone wasn't playing football in the house after all. They might have been trying to dust or change a lightbulb - neither worthy of a parental rant.

#4.  How Many Times Do I Have To Tell You?
This is one many of us grew up hearing from our own parents and we accidentally channel that useless question. My husband had a tough time letting go of this one. One day I came into the room with his lecture face asking our eight-year-old this very question. Her eyes were locked on his and her face was frozen. I could see numbers slowing floating through her mind - searching for the correct one to offer up. So I cheerfully walked over and said "Honey, are you wanting her to give you an actual numerical response because that's what she's searching her brain for right now." He chuckled, she chuckled and he restated what it was he wanted her to understand without the silly question as the introduction.

Note to self: anytime you hear "I don't know" is your signal that you need to rephrase your question or statement. The more you affirm your kiddos when the do the work to communicate, the more they will know what your are looking for and the odds increase that you will enjoy more communication between the two of you as they develop.  #positveexperience

Why Same Page Parenting Is So Important

If you've been reading my blog at all, you have heard me touch on the importance of parents being on the same page. Because of my continued experience with families struggling to parent their kiddos, it's time for me to bring this topic up once again.

It will not do your kid any good if parents can't or won't agree on their approach. Your kid needs one approach, not two or more. Not only do you both need to be on the same page, you need to remain consistent. It won't do to say "yes" to staying up one time and "no" another. Their minds are still developing and they need to count on you to give them the framework to feel secure. It won't do to allow candy "just this one time" when you don't want them to have it ever. They are counting on you to define their security and they need you to keep it stable for them.

If you are not in agreement about something with the other parent, have that conversation out of earshot or eyesight of your kids. In front of your kids, you are one united unit. If they come up to you and ask if they can do something, be aware they might have already asked the other parent and gotten a "no", so ask them if they asked before you reply. I can't tell you how many times my hubby came in the room, saw a kid doing something and asked me why I had let them. Each time, they had already asked him first. After much practice, I became adept at asking "what did Dad say??" and seeing a frustrated kid slink away. Still tempted to argue in front of the kids so you can be right about something? Congratulations. You will teach your kid to disrespect the other parent and that disrespect can blossom into some pretty ugly stuff the older they get. Including disrespect of another gender or even authority.

Still not convinced both parents need to be a united front? Maybe you are divorced and don't see the need? Wrong. If you are sharing custody this is certainly tough, but it's doable for the sake of the kid. Let me repeat. For. The. Sake. Of. Your. Kid. Not your ego or anger toward the ex. For. Your. Kid. I hope and pray you want a healthy, functioning adult kid one day more than you hate the ex. For their good, you both need to unify and present a solid front on the major things like driving, curfew, grades. Pick the big ones only - leave the socks, candy and menus up to each "home". Remember to think about what it would be like for you to move back and forth every other week. (Wait, maybe they should stay in the house and the parents should move back and forth?) If you have a boy, there is a huge likelihood he will be bigger than either one of you while he still lives at home. If you have not insisted on respecting parents while he is still short, good luck when he can deck you flat and outweighs you. Fathers should reinforce respect of mothers when their sons mouth off or diss her by standing firm about "his woman" being treated right. Alpha male time, dads! Moms should do the same for fathers.

Be willing to listen to the other parent's ideas. If their reasoning is only because that's the way their parents did something but you have research to show otherwise, listen up and let go. It's not about being right. It's about the good of your kid. Attend parenting workshops to get you started or read some good parenting books (Dr. Kevin Leman is an awesome author of many) and blogs.

In my years of working with families, it is usually the father's lack of interest or busyness that gets the parents off of the same page. Some times fathers assign things like talking about sexuality to mom as "women's work". Some times fathers won't pick up the book that mom has put right in front of them. Some fathers dismiss the mom's ideas as silly and insist on barking orders instead. Or, they hover and call and text multiple times a day to know every single action going on. My own father communicated only through my mother, the mouthpiece. He elected himself as royalty.  There is no excuse for a father not to participate in parenting his kids. Not one. Not even being too busy with work. None of these examples are worth following. Think carefully here. If pride is keeping one of you from putting in the effort (or fear, anxiety, your own bad childhood) it's time for therapy. You are modeling an unhealthy adult life to your kids. It's not what you say that teaches them. It's what you do. Or don't do. Every time you think of yourself, ask yourself what kind of adult life you desire for your child.

I leave you with an observation after 20 years of field experience. 99% of the time the parents don't get on the same page, trouble follows. Trouble takes the form of a withdrawn teen, withdrawn spouse, divorce, distraught children. Anxious children unable to make their own decisions, lying, poor school performance, physical ailments, drugs, alchohol, promiscuity, pregnancy, abortion, suicide or criminal activity. I have not met one parent who set out to produce a child with any of these characteristics, but these are the by-products of egos left unchecked. And even if your child is "only" anxious, why would you want "even" that to be something they have to deal with just because you don't agree?

It's a new year. What about agreeing to agree? Unite and show your kids you are there as role models desiring a special future for them. Do your very best to know them and coach them - but don't fix things for them. Show them how they can do the fixing. But please, stay on the same page.

Acting "As If" You Are a Calm Parent

For over twenty years, I have been teaching this concept to overwhelmed parents. I like to call it "Valium Girl". Whatever you call it, the principle is that you act as if you are calmer than you really are for the sake of your child's outbursts, tears or fits.

Not really. I invented Valium Girl for my own sanity. Using it for my shrieking kid was a mere by-product. Practicing it for several years before I became an expert was a collateral blessing. Teaching it to others has been extra credit. As an MFT student these days, I read lots of therapy and concept material. And you know what? My little Valium Girl theory holds up pretty well, so I am going to revisit it today.

For whatever reason you want to try to act calmer than you really are, remember that feelings follow actions. If you are feeling cray-cray, angry, despondent, overwhelmed - whatever - that does not dictate what you do or say. Your feelings come second. Actions first. I have moms who tell me "but I have to yell when I am angry!!" No, mom, you don't. All that will do is incite your kid to respond in kind and you will have a bigger mess on your hands. Your feelings matter, but they do not need to be expressed. Not right now. Instead, take a deep breath and imagine you are the calmest  person in the world. The most emotionally strong parent ever. Do. Not. React. Act as if that fit is not happening.

Remember these four powerful things: One, you are the intended audience for the fit. If you don't buy a ticket, there's no show for him. Two, your toddler lacks the self-control you are supposed to have. Three, you have the power to defuse the emotional bomb. Four, just because she wants you to react (or you want to) doesn't mean you have to comply.

It took me over two years of acting like I was emotionally calm before I really was. Inside I was trembling, ready to explode or call the police. But on the outside, I cranked up the smooth jazz music and put on a neutral facial expression the kid in the car seat could see from the rearview mirror. And one day, lo and behold, I realized I really was as calm on the inside as I was acting on the outside!

Acting calm kept me emotionally out of a mess and enabled me to be more objective about what was going on with my kid. I was able to calmly tell him we didn't kick mama's car seat as if it was a boulder of cement and successfully complete the three-hour traffic rider home. I was able to see his needs. Your're upset right now, what's that feeling? Oh. I hate traffic, too! What can we sing about instead? How many cop cars can you find? I was able to get him to articulate his feeling, label it and redirect the hair-trigger physical and verbal volume levels.

As it turns out, the ability for adults to recognize, identify and label emotions is a cornerstone of mental health. By acting calmer than I really felt, I was able to help promote that activity in a very small mind. My kid's mind, too. By practicing on my kid, I helped myself. By practicing on myself, I helped my kid.

This technique also works when they are too big for car seats. Remain calm when your teen says they have something to tell you. Affirm what they have said in order to help yourself be sure you heard them. It doesn't mean you agree, you just want to be sure you heard what they intended to say. Acting calm also gives you time to think about your response. Perhaps you will respond right then, but you might need to think on it and get back to them. By acting calm, you demonstrate you are a safe person for them to continue to come to.

Disclaimer: Acting as if you are calmer than you really are has nothing to do with denying feelings. You are not masking them, either. You are merely delaying yours. Think of yourself as a tool of peace at that moment in that situation. Two screamers will not make traffic move any faster. And one of you has to be about safety. Why not the one with the driver's license? Who says you can't tell your backseat maniac you feel angry about his volcanic eruption and need him to calm down? Just do it calmly. It will calm you down in the process.

In the process of applying this little theory in parenting, I have learned to lower my freak-out level and attach less of a value to many little things that often plague mamas. That has been a gift to my sanity. Who cares if they want to wear shorts in winter or refuse to turn in their homework? Sometimes we have to rest knowing we taught the information appropriately, but it's their turn to apply it. If we apply it for them, they rely on us. That's not healthy parenting. We're supposed to be teaching these baby birds to learn to fly on their own. Especially emotionally.