Taking Your Kids To Starbucks

Right now I am sitting behind a mom with three boys under the age of six. When they came in, I grimaced. I had specifically gone to a different Starbucks in order to disappear into my work uninterrupted and in came chattering backpacks bigger than the boys. The backpacks meant they were going to be here for awhile. Did I remember to bring my earbuds??

The first clue that this was going to be different was when I saw the oldest boy carrying all three hot chocolates across the room for his brothers. He held two in one hand just like a server. Mom had walked over to the garbage can and joined him on his way back to the table. She smiled and said calmly, "Oh you got them all??!! Nice." No rush to to grab them because he might spill. Just proud affirmation of his thoughtfulness.

They started to unpack their backpacks. The oldest had some homework worksheets that mom quickly encouraged him to work on while busying the other two with a separate activity. It's been nearly an hour now, and I haven't needed to insulate myself with Pandora. The entire gang has been pleasantly-and-volume-appropriately-occupied at their table. None of the other Starbucks patrons sitting at their screens has even looked up. I want to applaud!!

In fact, the pleasant chatter and sweet "Mommy's" are better music. They aren't fighting for attention or whining. Each one is being validated by Mom and she measures her attention back and forth. Just now she gave an assignment for the oldest to read to the middle one while she took the youngest to the Loo.

Why does this situation work so smoothly? Easy. Mom is utterly focused on her babies and she isn't trying to do anything else.

The kids can be addressed as a group with side bars for a specific child. The boys clearly behave as if they belong in a nurtured group. So impressive.

The other big thing that puts a smile on my face is that mom is doing a Bible Study with the boys. It's age-appropriate and interactive. They chat happily with each other about favorite colors as they mention what happened that week. This is priceless.

"Yup"

"There you go"

"Where is...."

"Okay"

"What would I do first?"

No correcting words are used - just redirection.

You can tell that this style of parenting is the norm for these children. And they know that they are safe and cared for. Valued but not doted on. Mom maintains a sweet, non-anxious presence.

I wish I could say I saw this scenario often, but I really don't. Usually the mom is on her smart phone and the kids are fending for themselves. They might be sitting together, but there is no interaction. Unless of course they get loud, then two moms out of ten will speak up while keeping her attention affixed to her precious communication device.

In the psychology world, the sweet Starbucks mom was "fully present". Here's a decaf toast to all the caregivers out there who take the time to really be there for their kids. The investment is priceless.

What To Teach Your Kids About Church Ediquette

I'm fresh from a frustrating experience at church this morning. We arrived late and looked for some open seats near the back along an aisle. (I always have to sit on the aisle.) The second row from the rear had a bunch of open sits just the way we like them, so we sat down in front of a full row of people. It wasn't until the second paragraph of the sermon that I realized we had landed in front of a number of young children. How did I figure this out? The toddler babbling and preschooler chatting. The mother saying "shhhh" every 45 seconds. The toddler crying. A preschooler asking. The toddler whining and some other adult joining in the "shhh" campaign.

The first time I thought about moving was 10 minutes in to the service, but kept erroneously thinking that any second, the parents would remove the noise gang. No such luck. After 15 minutes of distracted listening - certain there must be about 5 little ones behind us and missing every few words of the message - I whispered to my husband that I couldn't hear. He nodded. The parents continued to make no effort to redirect, correct or remove their children. Since they were using their normal speaking/cooing voices, I wondered not only how many others in our zip code could hear - but did the pastor? From experience, I know that certain types of audience noise can be distracting.

Fed up after 20 minutes, I reached for my purse and stood up - planning to move to the lobby and hear the rest of the message on the loudspeaker. Fortunately, there were two random chairs sitting against the back wall so that's where we went. Just 2 minutes after that, the father took his crying toddler out of the service leaving mom with three other kids who appeared to be ages four and under and no one sitting on the other side of them. Those three continued to walk, crouch, climb and play with toys and mom sat with her arm along the back of the chairs repeating her "shhh" mantra. I doubt she had heard more than a few words of the message. Dad never returned.

This scenario got me thinking. When I first realized the kids were being discourteous, I thought perhaps it could be a family that did not understand about church ediquette and didn't want to offend them by moving. After we finally moved, I noticed that the children had brought a number of items to busy themselves, so the parents had thought ahead. That means that they had been in church before today. If they weren't novices, then perhaps they are the parents who do not trust others with their children? Even if they are overly cautious or fear meltdowns if they put their kids in the children's program rooms, they were certainly blatantly unashamed about the behavior everyone else was forced to experience.

And that is my point. If you fear your child's reaction if you attempt to securely sign them into a Sunday School class staffed by screened, trained adults with age-appropriate materials it isn't appropriate to force your issues on the other people around you. Regardless of who sat down first. It is important in the North American culture to note that if there is something going on that others are also watching/listening to, that you respect the others and cease any distractions. If you have to leave the area, so be it. If you insist your kids can't be out of your sight, then take them to the lobby. But please don't spoil the experience for other people.

It is actually a disservice to your children when you don't explain church protocol. It was clear to me that today's parents had not bothered to educate their little ones. They had no idea what "shhhh" really meant because there was no follow up. There probably wasn't an explanation, either. Mom just makes that sound a lot.

With the cultural rush to affirm everyone for everything it has become harder to see people respect others in a church setting. Here are just a few key points to make it easier:

1. Tell your kids what church is for (we are going to worship God with other people).
2. Tell your kids what to expect (there will be a special class for kids your age, you will have fun things to do and will be safe, you will be in Big Church and come get them after class.)
3. Not going to class? Tell your kids what to expect in Big Church. (There will be people on stage singing, then a pastor talking. Everyone sitting in chairs is singing, then sitting quietly and listening. There is no talking or moving around.)
4. Make your children aware that there are other people there. (We don't interrupt the teacher or the pastor and we don't do things that will make it difficult for others to participate.)

A lot of this is simply good manners and common sense. I used to have a rule when I ran children's ministries. No child was to be left in distress after 10 minutes. If a little one could not be calmed within that period of time, the parents were to be summoned.  Church should not be a distressing experience for anyone. The same should be true when you are in church with your kids. If they haven't stopped making noise after 10 minutes, it is time for you to act and remove them from the scene. This is one of the reasons many churches have Cry Rooms and/or broadcast the service to other rooms. Remember, if you are spending more time trying to quiet your kids you aren't hearing the service any more than anyone sitting around you.

Here's to remembering there are other people in the world and teaching our kids to respect God along with others.