The Missing Word From the Media Coverage of the 2020 Election and COVID19

 

There’s a word missing from the 2020 Presidential Election narrative that should be connected to the impact of COVID19  in the US.

 

Pretty much every time I turn on local or cable news, I experience partisan blame hyping topics such as “economy”, “vaccination”, “testing”, “masks” and “school”. Sometimes the science brains tell us one thing, and the next time they tell us another. And each time I hear “these same ol’ things” I become angrier.

 

Since I know that anger is the doorbell of emotions – you have to answer the door to see who is there, and when you feel anger you need to ask yourself what the underlying emotion really is – I know that my anger in this case is an indicator of feeling disrespected, anxious and worried. Rather than waiting for COVID19 to pass, it’s dawning on us that we need to adjust our thinking to living with new ways to accomplish tasks of daily living. The hundreds of conversations I’ve had as a tele-therapist lately confirm that I’m not alone.

 

Brady Smith’s 2019 kids’ book title You’re Missing It keeps ringing in my ears. It’s about a kid trying to point out things to their distracted dad who is otherwise fixated on his smart phone. The word our politicians, scientists and speech writers have missed as they talk about everything else is “family”. I believe that the presidential candidate who begins using this word will be the candidate to resonate with voting families. Until someone does, in my humble opinion they are all completely missing it. The other topics are important, but until someone connects them directly with the American family they’re all missing it.

 

No one has yet to recognize that the backbone of a civilization  is the family. Until they do, things will continue to miss the boat of the point. The family is the boat, navigating the rapids. And all we hear about is the rapids. We need to talk more about what it is like for families to be experiencing this pandemic from their boats. I'd like the top of the tops on down in every industry to validate what families are going through and demonstrate some level of understanding about what everyday life is for the families in our nation. Families need to know they matter and that they aren’t just statistics. They have faces and stories. They aren’t just polling data to summarize or analyze. 

Virtually everything we do in everyday life has a new spin to it. The changes in the way we celebrate, marry and bury affect our daily living and have been glossed over. The new vocabulary words like “let’s set up a Zoom” and “socially distance” just appeared and sat down at our kitchen tables. The new protection regimens add more steps to what we do. The impact the loss of activities such as “going out for dinner”, “movie box office weekends” or “meeting for coffee” haven't been given much of a sincere nod. And I can’t even begin to discuss sports, school calendars or judging others for wearing or not wearing masks. And depending on the nature of each family, the way everyday life unfolds is different. There’s no blanket solution yet all we hear about are just that.

 

We’re missing it culturally if we can’t work together and embrace the impact COVID19 has on all our families. If the politicians only discuss Green New Deals, the economy or continue to throw dirt balls at the other party -- raise your hand if you think they care about the family? It’s an expensive waste of time and doesn’t solve anything. I’m tired of time being wasted at the expense of our tax dollars. I’m not asking for each and every possible family model be identified or given a certificate of appreciation, but I am asking for foundational recognition of what it might be like to be the people at home trying to manage their everyday lives differently. Answers may not be immediately forthcoming, but acknowledgement goes a long way to re-unifying a very un-unified nation.

 

 

What Kind of Fit is Your Kid Having?

One of my favorite authors under the family therapy banner is Dr. Dan Siegel. He has pioneered the concept of "mindsight" and is both informative and funny as he shares his knowledge about how the brain works. His scientifically proven information is useful in everyday parenting and speaks to parents who need facts as well as pictures.

Did you know there is a science to the way our brains process things? Dr. Dan refers to it as the upstairs and downstairs brain. The downstairs brain is where the emotions live. That's where the "fight or flight" reactions exist. We breathe and blink from here without thinking. This part of the brain is with us from birth, but needs the developing upstairs brain to keep us balanced. The upstairs brain is where our logic lives. This includes our ability to plan, evaluate and understand. This part of the brain isn't finished developing until the mid-twenties. During the teen years it's really working overtime (as is the rest of the body).

I've always thought I was a pretty good judge of "fake fits". The kid in Target who gets this glint in their eye and then goes for it. Dr. Dan refers to this as an "upstairs" fit because the child made a conscious decision to try to get their way with you. The good news is that this is the kind of fit you can reason with. As long as you remain unemotional. (Remember neutrality is always your friend when it comes to the tone in your voice.)

But there is another kind of fit where the child is truly out of emotional control. That's the "downstairs" fit. Something has triggered your kiddo and there wasn't time for any regulation with the upstairs brain. BAM! Your kid is full-range out of control. This is not the time where any words will do. In order to let your kid know you are emotionally there for them, meet them emotionally. A hug, a pat, empathetic words. Wait it out. Don't try to introduce logic at this point because it simply will not work. In fact, it is scientifically impossible for it to work.

Living between the upstairs and downstairs brain is this thing called the amygdala. That's the button that gets pushed. Depending on maturity, mental health or history, regulation may not occur. Some of my special needs clients go from 0 to 60 with no emotional in-between. They are unable to recognize an emotion, they merely react and react wildly. We all have things that can push our buttons and start us on the path of blind emotional reaction. When we can talk to ourselves and take note that we have had a button pushed, we can reign ourselves in because we are more self-aware. We can even go ask for a hug.

Our goal as parents is to teach our children to learn to recognize their emotions and develop the ability to regulate their responses. When your child yells "I can't help it, I'm ANGRY!!!" you know they aren't there yet. We have to help our kids to realize that emotions do not rule us. We rule our emotions. That does not mean we stuff them, but it does mean we have a whole sophisticated part of our brain under development that can help us understand them appropriately.

Recognizing that there really are two different kinds of fits was encouraging to me even though that my kids are well beyond that stage now. It helps to be able to reflect on the past and address situations that arise with others now.

The Whole Brain Child by Dr. Dan is full of diagrams and explanations about how the brain works and how you can use your understanding to practically communicate with your kids. In fact, he recommends you teach your children how their brains work - even as toddlers. Worth adding to your library regardless of the age of your kids. And, a biggie in my mind - reader friendly.