Signs That You May Be A Helicopter Parent

A mom I know was filled with anxiety when her new college freshman son did not call home for the first three weeks away from home. Even pleading emails from his father urging him to assuage his mother's worry did not compel him to pick up his phone. "He is probably spending all his savings and only eating pizza," moaned his mother to me. I should have seen it coming 18 years prior when I first met him. He was just 8 months old, content in his baby swing when his mother stated "he's bored" and commanded his father to go entertain him while she worked on dinner. I wondered how a little baby would even know how to be bored on top of all that sleeping and pooping.

That was my first living example of a helicopter parent at work.

So what is a helicopter parent? It is one who believes they must hover over their child for anything to happen - or not happen. They believe their input and oversight must be present in every waking decision and experience and have a terrible time letting go. In case you were wondering, this is not the ideal way to parent and neither is dictatorship. The difference is with the dictator, there is none of the anxiety involved in helicoptering. A dictator does not have as much of their identity wrapped up in their children, they just want it their way. A helicopter parent thinks of little else than how to direct their children and make sure everything is okay. The problem with helicoptering is that you cannot really control anything. The more you think you need to "be there" or "make sure", the more anxiety you are putting on your plate. (In another blog, we will talk about the ideal parenting model - loving authority.)

You might be a helicopter parent if...

- You interrupt adult conversations to answer your child's frequent phone calls to locate typical things around the house or ask questions about trivial matters

- You are on your landline long distance with a friend and tell them to hold while you answer a cell phone call from your child wanting to know if you will take them to the mall before dinner

- You insist on selecting every outfit your children wear well past that first day of school in Kindergarten or you argue about what they have chosen to wear

- You think your child won't eat unless you tell them to or place it on a plate for them

- You allow your child to whine about a meal and make a special plate to accommodate their "likes"

- You call the school to be sure some of your child's friends are in their class

- You help your children with their friendships

- You correct, comment or react to your child's every comment

- You can't stop thinking about whether they zipped their coat up or not and go through their backpacks daily to arrange contents

- You care more about their schoolwork than they do

- You do not allow them to help around the house because they won't do it the right way

- You assume the worst when they are left to their own wiles rather than coming from a place of trust first

- Your reason for being is to do everything for your kids and to keep them happy

- You will do everything possible so they do not experience failure

- You pepper them with question after question to be sure you know everything

- You can't rest if all their toys aren't put away just-so

Do you want anyone this involved in your life? I sure don't. And all that extra focus isn't going to make anyone feel more loved. Trying to make sure everything is perfect is useless because life isn't about what we can control, it is about controlling our impulses over what comes our way. Doing everything for our children cripples them from becoming fully functioning adults. You don't really want to have your adult children avoid you like the kid who actually didn't "spend all his money on pizza", do you?

Remember, the purpose of parenting is to prepare our children for adulthood. And adults aren't supposed to need to be told when to blink.

Love You, Don't Like You

We've all met kids we don't like and have had to deal with them - or our feelings about those buggers. What if the kid we don't like does not belong to our brother-in-law or isn't that little irritating one belonging to our neighbor ... but our own?'

ARGH. It happens.

The good news is that you can LOVE your kid, just not what they are doing. In my humble opinion, it is more than okay to dislike their actions and want to shrink from them at times. Yes, acknowledging this is a stab in your heart. But wait -- didn't your heart already get stabbed by your disappointment? You can do this. You can acknowledge this and keep going with hope and continue being a good parent.

A concept I have clung to since I was in college is that while I may not like everyone, God wants me to love them. Yes, I have not always liked my kid because of what they were doing or how they were acting, but I have always loved them.

Some times we need to wait to see a glimmer in their eyes that they are still "in there". But I never think we should give up on our babies. We need God's grace to keep us in tact as we wait to see the character displayed that we always yearned or prayed for. We need to keep following our principles without whining. And, act neutral.

A mentor taught me the importance of keeping thy mouth shut in order to keep her family in tact. She did not approve of her child's choice of mates but remained gracious and loving. Years later, her child discovered for themselves the true character of that poor choice and made different decisions. Graciousness wins all the time. Had the mom spoken her mind early on, she would have lost the relationship with her child. Instead, she plugged along.

The same thing goes when a child is going through an ugly period of development and I just don't mean zits. They may be doing or saying things you abhor. Their personality may clash with yours. You may see your flesh-and-blood being snotty or hurting other kids. Maybe they even dislike one of your other kids or have started to steal or do drugs. Draw the line.

In my work, I have dealt with many families where a parent's heart is wounded because of a child's actions. Bottom line: they want their babies to knock it off and refocus. Stand strong on your principles if you find yourself in this scenario. You have laid the foundation. Remember that. Respond when they are on track and don't get sucked into their drama when they aren't. Keep stating the main goals. Depend on God and don't compare yourself to other families.

If you didn't know how to lay down a parenting foundation, contact me. That's my passion and I'll walk you through it.

Keeping your chin firm and "letting" kids experience reality consequences has also been called "tough love". It requires patience, action and ongoing prayers. In extreme cases, you may need to be the one to place your child in treatment or call the police. Do it. Forget about what people think, take steps to keep your baby alive with a chance at a future. Side stepping this necessary action will surely kill them in one way or another and deny a future of good mental health at the least.

Not extreme - just a kid with a lousy attitude that makes you shirk? Keep those family rules and don't try to fix it when they get kicked off a team or are shunned by peers because of their behavior. Be glad reality is in their face and pray for realization but don't nag.  So what if they can't graduate with their class.  Get them help. Are they hurting the family emotionally? Stop their access to areas they are impacting. Maybe they don't get to go to the family dinner. Perhaps they have been so ungrateful there is no birthday gift. Shrug your shoulders and tell them you wish you could have done otherwise, but their choices dictated reality and walk away.

Less is more. Make simple statements and resist the necessary urge to rant on and on. If you don't, you have shot yourself in the proverbial foot. No one listens to ramblings. It's a sure signal for them to tune out. Just be calm, concise and brief.

Remember, your goal is to launch a fully functioning human into the world. Whatever their age of adulthood. Fully functioning people do not have people coddling, excusing or solving it for them. Fully functioning people have learned how to deal with the real stuff in life and take responsibility for their behavior. If you provide this scenario without narration, you are on the right track!

Along the way, you are bound not to like some of what your kids do. After all, they are human just like you. Don't focus on the alarm that you don't like something - focus on your end goal and know you are doing the right thing and in good company. If it's more than that, it's time for some counseling so you don't leave a mark on another human, much less one of your very own creation.

A Dozen Things I Really Didn't Need For My Baby

When you walk around Target and pass the baby section - even if you aren't a parent or grandparent - there is so much cool stuff you just drool. When my oldest was a baby, everything was the new gray (trending at the time) and functional. Baby excitement was limited to what you could cross-stitch and frame. When my #2 came along a decade later, there was more color on car seats and diaper bags and maternity clothes finally stopped looking like cow tents. But now... we can buy the coolest nanny cam or manny diaper bag. We can even get a kid-themed vaporizer. What? The generic ones don't work, or must we constantly entertain or cater to our bambinos?

Here are 12 "must-haves" that I fell for with my starry-new-mama-eyes that in retrospect, really weren't all that mandatory after all:

1. Crib or Bassinet. One only slept in his car seat in the back of our Suburban as I burned gas driving all over town tearfully praying for green lights lest he jerk awake. The bassinet is a romantic idea, but what baby just lays in a lace-draped container perfectly staged nearby?  For that matter, what baby uses their expensive "baby blanket"? It dwarfs them. Let's get real and call it what it really is - a toddler blanket.

2. Summer clothes. Being born at the start of a hot, humid summer kept her in a diaper, period.

3. Changing table. Why go all the way upstairs when I can unfurl a mat on the floor and change 'em right here and now?

4. Porta-Crib. It was a baby jail for both my sweeties. When we travelled, they knew it wasn't their real bed and at home it was a cage.

5. Cute toddler dishes. They landed on the floor just like Tupperware.Tupperware is cheaper.

6. Mini Plastic Baby tub. The shower or kitchen sink works even better. Who says a baby doesn't dig a shower? Besides, there isn't a logical place to store that thing without bumping into it. A first item to go in the garage sale.

7. Any toy clipped to any part of a stroller or clothing. When my bambinos were in the stroller, they were too busy looking around to care about any cute plastic thing I supplied to entertain them. Real world works better.

8. Hauling around a diaper bag. Initially it was loaded for nuclear survival. Once I got the hang of it, I left it in the trunk and stuck what might be needed in my cute purse. All good and no chicken coop. If they pooped through their clothes while we were out, the car wasn't that far away and the trunk was a bigger changing table than any in the mall.

9. Baby Powder. If you inhale that stuff your lungs are clogged. Why pat that all over any body part?

10. Plastic toy keys. They only want the real ones, they're not stupid - just babies. Ring a bunch of the lost keys from your junk drawer and presto, just like yours!

11. Cute fabric diaper holder bag coordinated with crib bedding. They come out of the box faster. Putting them in the holder thing takes more time out of your day. Go straight for the box and forget about reloading.

12. Baby monitor. We had them, but were present even more so they really weren't needed. Especially for the kid with the Suburban Crib attached to the hip 24/7 anyway.

Bonus thing I didn't need: cute little baby hairbrush. Bald babies or babies with meager wisps of hair don't need it "brushed".

That's Not Funny, Steve Carrell

One of the funniest actors I enjoy is Steve Carrell. His ability to hold his face neutral while delivering inane dialog and get a huge laugh is admirable - and absolutely hilarious.

Recently he was on Jay Leno sharing a requisite "funny family story".  Apparently he accidentally rented an R-rated movie to show at his 9-year-old's big sleepover. They saw Predator. And now, chuckled dear Steve, he's known as "that dad" at his son's school.

That would be the dad who opened the door ahead of time. The dad who laughingly used poor judgement. The dad who permitted explicit media in his home geared toward a much more mature audience. Not only "that dad"... but the one who trumped the authority of other parents and choose for them. Repeat: he made the choice for other parents. That is not funny.

Parents: Never be the one known for having loose standards or the house where kids can get away with things. Never ever ever decide something so big as when a child will be introduced to mature content for another parent's kid. It's okay to go for it with little things like cookies or ice cream, but never anything as big as exposing someone else's child to material generated for older age groups. Carrell thinks most of the movie "went over their heads". Wait a few years for their vocabularies to grow and ask again. He was wrong.

No, Steve Carrell my favorite comedian and charming man, no. You blew something bigger than that one sleepover night and turned it into a "funny story thing".  This is much more than that. And what you did, you can't erase. You caused imprint on children's minds. Imprint that will weave its way through their current frame of references and leave acid droppings and questions on their future snapshots as they filter experiences and images while they continue to mature and develop. On behalf of the other parents, thanks for nothing. That was negative imprint.

Parents must respect other parents and err on the side of modesty. Much better to ask forgiveness for offering red meat  than a virtual introduction to "mature content". The red meat vegetarian parents don't want their kids to eat can leave the body within 24 hours, thoughts are there forever. This error cannot be apologized away. It's there.

Steve did not do this intentionally, I'm sure. He just wasn't on alert as a parent. The greatest influence we have on our children enters through their eyes and minds. Something many adults fail to place a high value on. The shorter ones are absorbing more than you think and watching you carefully. Humbly recognize this and adapt accordingly.

We held a lot of family events at our home where the kids ended up in the family room downstairs for a period of time. Our kids were in charge of monitoring which videos were watched and which video games were played. It was G only when other kids were over. Yes they resisted at first about my insistence that none of the other games we allowed them to play would be accessed for a couple of hours, but respected my request. When our daughter was 13 and hosting a slumber party, the girls wanted to watch a PG 13 movie. Knowing one of the moms was careful about content, I called and asked her if that was okay before showing it. She appreciated my contact.

I never want to be known as the house where something premature or unacceptable was introduced. It is each family's own business if and when they introduce any kind of media. This decision is not for any other person to make. Not an older sibling, grandparent or babysitter. It is up to the parents.

Heaven help you if you have family members or babysitters sabotaging you. Just don't be the neighbor or friend adding to it - kids are growing older at a rate much too young as it is and don't have the skills to handle their futures any faster.

If you need a nudge to believe me, just watch what no one even blinks at any more. We've been conditioned to normalize and laugh where we used to blink.  Culturally we have relegated caution to nostalgia. Let's bring it back and train the coming generations to age in a healthy sequence and not rush exposure to things they literally can't wrap their minds around til later. All that does is contribute to the plague of desensitivy.  And that really isn't funny.