Is It Because They Can't or Because They Won't?

In my work with families as well as in my studies, I have become more and more aware of how important it is to have an early diagnosis in cases of children with special needs.  The earlier the diagnosis, the less stress for the parents. Not that special needs children don't have their own set of stresses, of course they do. But studies show that the younger the child is when diagnosed, the lower the stress level on the parents over time. I'll add my own input here: and the sooner your child can begin receiving the proper developmental care.

Getting diagnosed early is also a problem. I knew from the womb our son was driven by a motor. From birth he didn't sleep - he merely recharged. By age three I read up on ADHD and his behaviors met all criteria. But the doctors would not even assess him until he was six. Yes we had nearly six very judgmental, stressful years. Two months before his sixth birthday, I begged the doctor to do the assessment. He complied and his ADHD was now confirmed by proper channels which meant we now had ammo to use with school to get support vs. judgement.

We didn't get that much support, but at least they had some reason behind the animal noises and sudden pouncing. Medication helped him to "focus". We never told him he had ADHD because we didn't want him to feel labeled. We just told him the focus pills would help him be the boss of his brain and he could choose to focus on the tip of his finger or what the teacher was saying. After a few years (and falling asleep on the bus) he told us he didn't like the way he felt with his medicine and we stopped giving it to him. We coached him to remember he had the choice of what to focus on and he worked hard to focus on appropriate things. By middle school the animal noises were gone. People that met him then refused to believe our stories about the three-year-old running laps around the dinner table. We were some of the lucky ones. We got an accurate diagnosis and were able to work with it. We knew early on, but it wasn't confirmed until kindergarten. And through prayer and self-control, our son is now a strong, responsible adult. No one believes he ever had ADHD. That's fine with me - he is now an adult living out the life we dreamed for him to have.

I know families who get early diagnosis only to find out by middle school it wasn't the correct one. Or it wasn't as detailed as it needed to be. One child was thought to have ADHD doesn't. He was thought to be rebellious by refusing to do his work at school or at home. He insisted he understood but refused to do it or give a reason why no matter how many different ways he was asked by his teachers, parents, or therapists. The parents finally commenced a battery of testing that revealed completely different issues with brain ability and processing skills. Everything that has been done for him to date has been the wrong approach. Based upon this new information, a number of new teaching approaches and therapies will need to be put in place. My heart breaks for a child so misunderstood for so long. It isn't that he doesn't want to - he can't.

Sometimes it's easy to know a child has special needs based upon appearance or equipment they use, but more often the special need is invisible. And not every boy rolling on the floor under the table in Sunday School has ADHD. Sometimes, it's just a disobedient kid. Before you decide it's someone with poor parents, before you decide it's a defiant kid - stop. Spend some time understanding what is going on first.

Since the younger the child, the harder it can be to fully diagnose, I would get several opinions - especially if you do not see any progress after six months. It's going to be hard to figure out what to call a child on if they have a strong will and a learning disability. It will be essential you find out what they are capable of so you can reinforce that. And I wouldn't let your special needs child use that as an excuse.

To cheer you up, take a look at some short lists of celebrities who have become successful contributors in various fields - if not the world. Don't stay discouraged! There is hope for anyone who wants to try.

Famous people with autism: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Daryl Hannah, Andy Warhol, Lewis Carroll, Dan Ackroyd

Famous people with OCD: Justin Timberlake, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jessica Alba, Katy Perry, Howie Mandel, Cameron Diaz, David Beckham, Charlize Theron, Albert Einstein, Penelope Cruz, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Alec Baldwin, Michael Jackson, Rose McGowan, Harrison Ford, Donald Trump, Martin Scorsese, Howard Stern, Woody Allen,

Famous people with ADHD: Justin Timberlake, Will Smith, Michael Phelps, Jamie Oliver, Jim Carrey, Sir Richard Branson, Howie Mandel,  Bill Gates, Eva Longoria, Joan Rivers,  Steven Tyler (Aerosmith), Elvis Presley, Michael Jordan, Stevie Wonder, Jack Nicholson,

Famous people with dyslexia: Jay Leno, Whoopi Goldberg, Henry Winkler, Steven Spielberg, Selma Hayek, Mohammad Ali, Magic Johnson, Keira Knightly,  Keanu Reeves, Charles Schwab (investor),  Vince Vaughn, Tim Tebow, Anderson Cooper, Cher, Tommy Hilfiger,  Daymond John, Barbara Corcoran, Ingvar Kamprad (IKEA founder), Paul Orfalea (Kinkos founder), Brian Grazer (director), Salma Hayek, Tom Cruise, Steve Jobs, Alyssa Milano, Anthony Hopkins, John Lennon,  Leonardo Da Vinci,  Ozzy Osborne, Danny Glover, Galileo Galilei (mathematician, scientist,physicist, astronomer),  Patrick Dempsey, Pres. Woodrow Wilson,  Pablo Picasso, Harry Belafonte, Octavia Spencer, General George Patton, Jules Verne, Alexander Graham Bell, Astronaut Peter Conrad, Neil Smith (footballer), Mark Schlereth (footballer), Frank Gore (footballer), Jeremy Bondsman (baseball),

Famous people with dyspraxia: Daniel Radcliffe, Albert Einstein, Richard Branson

Famous people with dysgraphia: Agatha Christie, Albert Einstein, George Patton, Henry Winkler, Thomas Edison

#Overcomers

What Kind of Fit is Your Kid Having?

One of my favorite authors under the family therapy banner is Dr. Dan Siegel. He has pioneered the concept of "mindsight" and is both informative and funny as he shares his knowledge about how the brain works. His scientifically proven information is useful in everyday parenting and speaks to parents who need facts as well as pictures.

Did you know there is a science to the way our brains process things? Dr. Dan refers to it as the upstairs and downstairs brain. The downstairs brain is where the emotions live. That's where the "fight or flight" reactions exist. We breathe and blink from here without thinking. This part of the brain is with us from birth, but needs the developing upstairs brain to keep us balanced. The upstairs brain is where our logic lives. This includes our ability to plan, evaluate and understand. This part of the brain isn't finished developing until the mid-twenties. During the teen years it's really working overtime (as is the rest of the body).

I've always thought I was a pretty good judge of "fake fits". The kid in Target who gets this glint in their eye and then goes for it. Dr. Dan refers to this as an "upstairs" fit because the child made a conscious decision to try to get their way with you. The good news is that this is the kind of fit you can reason with. As long as you remain unemotional. (Remember neutrality is always your friend when it comes to the tone in your voice.)

But there is another kind of fit where the child is truly out of emotional control. That's the "downstairs" fit. Something has triggered your kiddo and there wasn't time for any regulation with the upstairs brain. BAM! Your kid is full-range out of control. This is not the time where any words will do. In order to let your kid know you are emotionally there for them, meet them emotionally. A hug, a pat, empathetic words. Wait it out. Don't try to introduce logic at this point because it simply will not work. In fact, it is scientifically impossible for it to work.

Living between the upstairs and downstairs brain is this thing called the amygdala. That's the button that gets pushed. Depending on maturity, mental health or history, regulation may not occur. Some of my special needs clients go from 0 to 60 with no emotional in-between. They are unable to recognize an emotion, they merely react and react wildly. We all have things that can push our buttons and start us on the path of blind emotional reaction. When we can talk to ourselves and take note that we have had a button pushed, we can reign ourselves in because we are more self-aware. We can even go ask for a hug.

Our goal as parents is to teach our children to learn to recognize their emotions and develop the ability to regulate their responses. When your child yells "I can't help it, I'm ANGRY!!!" you know they aren't there yet. We have to help our kids to realize that emotions do not rule us. We rule our emotions. That does not mean we stuff them, but it does mean we have a whole sophisticated part of our brain under development that can help us understand them appropriately.

Recognizing that there really are two different kinds of fits was encouraging to me even though that my kids are well beyond that stage now. It helps to be able to reflect on the past and address situations that arise with others now.

The Whole Brain Child by Dr. Dan is full of diagrams and explanations about how the brain works and how you can use your understanding to practically communicate with your kids. In fact, he recommends you teach your children how their brains work - even as toddlers. Worth adding to your library regardless of the age of your kids. And, a biggie in my mind - reader friendly.

Coloring Your Stress Away (for your kids, too)

It started for me three years ago when I began working with special needs children. I needed things to do with them because just talking wasn't connecting. Proof that people do not hear a huge percentage of what we say and why I urge parents to resist the temptation to narrate. Kids are professionals at tuning out the "drone voice".

Back to coloring. I thought it would be a good idea to have something to color during our meetings. The grocery store coloring books are printed on such poor quality paper I went to Amazon and ordered some with beautiful scenes. I found some #Melissa&Doug blending markers and brought these items to my kid meetings. Throughout that fall, we colored our way through conversations and skills teaching. Of course I colored right along with my clients because I wanted to show them I like to participate. Not to mention that I like to color, too. By Valentine's Day, I was often coloring at home as a way to relax from a day of mental health. I needed to order more coloring books and found other markers and colored pencils, too. Then came the magic: stress reducing coloring books were popping up everywhere!

There are now dozens of different styles and objects to color. The best I've found are under the adult coloring category. Sorry cat lovers, I am just not gonna relax while coloring a kitty. Patterns are my favorite, but you can also get scenes and landscapes if you like. Over the past few years I have experimented with different markers, pens and pencils and have introduced adult coloring to every client (adult and child) as a method of reducing their stress by coloring their way into relaxation.

It really works for anyone willing to sit down and focus on their coloring. Now that adult coloring is "A Thing", rip-offs are everywhere. Beware of the paper quality and size of the books. Not only that, check out how thin or thick the lines are that you will be coloring inside - some are unrealistically thin - how could you color between them? A small coloring book will frustrate a child (or me) who needs more space. You can buy books where you can rip pages out individually. These are the ones I like the best because you aren't struggling to get the book to lie flat while you color. Be sure and get markers that don't bleed through the pages. The kits I see available everywhere have those kind of markers. It's worth it to do your homework. I've found Amazon has better options that I am happier with than any big box impulse buy.

After a year of coloring, I discovered Zentangle. This is where you use fine point markers, draw shapes and then fill in the shapes with random patterns and shading. Talk about being "A Thing"! This is a well-established, respected art form that has existed for a handful of years - I'm just a late blooming fan. There are books and books available to inspire you. This worked really well with one of my special needs kid clients who could amp up their rage within seconds. They were delighted to be calming down and creating a thing of beauty. I truly believe art reaches areas of the human psyche that words cannot. (Above is an ornament I made. Just fold, glue and hang!)

A few months ago, I heard a cable news pundit chiding universities for providing anxious students with crayons and coloring books. He harrumphed and sneered at the idea of "adults coloring" and laughed bitterly. I yelled at the TV and told him he had no idea what he is talking about and was completely out of touch regarding mental health skills.

Coloring, drawing, writing. All stress-reducers. Not only that, they serve double-duty. You learn a new skill and create something along the way.

Conflict Is Inevitable

How many times have you heard someone say (or said yourself) "I don't like conflict." It can be as simple as speaking up to a supervisor who forgot to schedule you for a day off you requested three weeks ago. Or it can be as simple as telling your server your steak is cold. Maybe it goes up a notch because you have a friend that seems to cancel dates and you want to say something about that. Or perhaps your teen is sullen and glares at you when you ask them to finish their chore? What about a spouse or partner's response when you try to bring up how you are feeling?

I believe that the North American culture has sent us a message through our buffet of media formats  and social customs that conflict is bad. Something is wrong if you experience conflict. You will cause a problem with your supervisor, friend or spouse if you voice your opinion or need. Someone will get mad at you if you speak up. Speaking up means you are stirring up emotions. They won't like you anymore. We'd better be quiet. Who wants to be known as a contentious person, anyway?

In my current studies, I have just had an a-ha moment about conflict. North America is wrong. Conflict isn't "bad" just like anger isn't "bad". It's how we handle it that can turn out positive or negative. Bringing up a topic does not mean there is going to be conflict. That's in our anxious minds. Few people want to rock the boat so they keep their mouths shut and don't get their needs met thinking that sharing a need will "cause conflict".  But their idea of " not rocking the boat" can be to eat that cold steak and pay full price for it. That shows their kids that it is not good to speak up. Sometimes those that do speak up do so loudly it becomes a blast of rage. That's not what I'm talking about. It is okay to speak up. In their book "The Family" Ballswick and Ballswick (2014) state that that conflict can never be resolved, therefore we should reframe how we handle it as "conflict management" . I love this concept! Rather than avoid it or seek to seal it up and expect another person to swallow your perspective and call it resolved - what if your plan is to gently state your perspective and manage it instead?  Just like diets are never really over, they just morph into menu management?

Using the example of your supervisor's unintentional scheduling you for a day you requested off, you can go to her and use "I" statements. "I requested the 30th off for my grandma's 90th birthday three weeks ago and noticed I am scheduled to work that day. Can you please help me work this out?" This addresses your area of concern and is NOT conflict. Flouncing up to your supervisor and snapping "Why did you schedule me to work when you knew I needed that day off???" is definitely asking for conflict.  Going to your peers and complaining is useless. See the differences? In one approach, you state what you needed, in the others you blamed and accused. In the first approach, chances are very high that you will be able to enter into a problem-solving conversation with your supervisor that will result in you getting time off for grandma's party. In the second approaches your supervisor is most likely going to be defensive and things will escalate and you will have brought negativity to your peers.

And what about the twinge you get when you know a relative will "get mad at you" if you don't show up for a function? That isn't really conflict. That's their reaction, period.  (Their own deal, not yours.) And if you fear they will "yell at you" for stating that you aren't able to attend, that's still not conflict. It only becomes conflict if you stay on the phone and listen or respond to their rant or accusations. If you do things out of fear of upsetting someone else, you are being manipulated and that's another blog topic.

You can manage your way through any form of conflict by listening carefully and being objective. Try to see the other person's viewpoint. Your relative is yelling at you, that's rude. But what is behind that? Do they feel rejected? Are they controllers and you showed some power? Whatever it is, you can say "I see how my inability to attend that function is upsetting for you." Letting them know you recognize their emotion can help de-escalate the situation. Using "you" statements will do the opposite. Don't fall into that, even if that is what the other person resorts to. That is indeed big-time conflict with little chance of being managed and a great chance of harming the relationship. Not a good weather report.

What if we thought about conflict as a management opportunity rather that something we have to "win"? The only winners in conflict are people that are willing to listen to the other party without putting themselves first. If you find yourself blaming others when they try to bring something up, it is likely that you have shut down the communication.  Just because they aren't talking about that anymore - or they complied to your demand - doesn't mean you won a thing. Only in your mind. You won't draw closer to them if you do not acknowledge either their emotions or responsibility. When we drop the idea of winning and replace it with the idea of learning how to manage our emotions and words responsibly, we are also demonstrating strength to our ever-watching kids. One of the best things we can model and teach our kids is how to handle the inevitable "conflicts" we all face in everyday life. It starts with listening.

Here's to launching a generation of adults who won't "be afraid" about what others will say or respond to when they have a reasonable request! Remember, your body language and tone says as much - or more - than your words.

4 Questions NOT To Ask Your Kids

Or, we could call this Four Ways Not to Hear the Dreaded "I Don't Know" answer.

#1.  What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?
As a kid, one of the most common questions I was asked by well-meaning dinner party guests was "... and what do you want to be when you grow up?" Initially, I froze. Remember, little kids are concrete thinkers. I thought I'd better get the answer correct and usually came up with "teacher" although it wasn't really something I gave much thought to. Of course I got the approving nod. Later, my parents began to groom me to be a business woman without asking about my own passion. I did not live up to those standards but have lived a meaningful life in spite of the brainwashing.

As a mom, I was careful to avoid this question. I did not want my children to grow up thinking there was just one thing they could do or be.  And I was not about to tell them what to do. Instead, I would say something like "what is something that sounds fun to do when you are a grown up?" That way, options were left open to their development and imagination. If you think both questions sound the same, just stop reading this blog. My philosophy is all about the way we frame things for our kids in order to allow them to reach their own conclusions in a safe environment. If you don't place a high value on words or tones, this blog does you no good.

And whatever your kids say, sound agreeable - unless they plan to become a bank robber or outcast. My creative, smart five-year-old insisted for as many more years that she was going to grow up and be a cheesemaker. While I thought she could do so many other things, I verbally encouraged her and asked to have some Gouda. She grew out of that idea by middle school. All on her own.

#2.  How Was School Today?
That's universal code for kids to say a one-word answer like "good" or "fine" to get you off their back. You aren't going to get much detail about the eight hours they were out of your sight with that one.  Of course you want to know what they did, where they sat, how they felt. Did they pay attention? Do they understand what was taught? Was anything controversial said by a teacher? Did anyone hurt their feelings - or did they hurt someone else? You haven't seen them all day.

There are other ways to get the information you want.  First of all, resist the urge to offer up a yes/no question. It's another way for them to toss out the answer they think you are looking for and you really won't learn anything new. I used to play the "3 Things" game. Each of us had to share three things that happened during the day that the other one would not know about. So, they couldn't tell me what sandwich they ate for lunch if I had made it. I couldn't tell them I was wearing jeans. They can see that. This game worked well. I got a lot of information to start conversations from this. Another thing to do is ask who they sat with at lunch or played with at recess. You can always ask to see their planner or homework to get an idea of how they are doing in school. When our kids were in high school, we put them in charge of reading Moodle and reporting back to us about the status of their assignments. (P.S. Parents please don't immediately get upset when you read online that a grade is lower than expected. Teachers routinely post a few days later than assignments are due and you won't have a current picture. Save your angst for concrete facts.)

#3.  Why Did You Do That?
Especially with kids under the age of 10, this is just plain silly. They pinched the baby. They shoved their brother. They repeatedly snapped the lid when you told them to stop. They took the toy away from the dog. They stood in front of the bathroom sink letting the water run. They colored on the doll's face. They threw the Lego. They put the empty milk carton back in the fridge. On and on and on it goes. These guys are concrete thinkers, remember? They can't answer this question to your satisfaction. That's because the answer will not paint them in very good light. Sometimes it's a skill thing. Sometimes it's to stir up trouble. Sometimes it's attention-seeking.

Instead, try taking a mental step back and assess. If' it's attention-seeking, make a statement like "Tonya, we don't take things away from others. We ask nicely. Please come over here and..." If it's a skill thing, use calm wording to reframe they way to do it. "Albert, when the carton is empty, we throw it away and write 'milk' on the grocery list. Thank you." You get it. Another thing to ask gets to the intention behind the situation. Say you walk into the room and there is a broken lamp on the floor. Instead of demanding to know who "did it", ask what they were trying to accomplish instead. You might find out someone wasn't playing football in the house after all. They might have been trying to dust or change a lightbulb - neither worthy of a parental rant.

#4.  How Many Times Do I Have To Tell You?
This is one many of us grew up hearing from our own parents and we accidentally channel that useless question. My husband had a tough time letting go of this one. One day I came into the room with his lecture face asking our eight-year-old this very question. Her eyes were locked on his and her face was frozen. I could see numbers slowing floating through her mind - searching for the correct one to offer up. So I cheerfully walked over and said "Honey, are you wanting her to give you an actual numerical response because that's what she's searching her brain for right now." He chuckled, she chuckled and he restated what it was he wanted her to understand without the silly question as the introduction.

Note to self: anytime you hear "I don't know" is your signal that you need to rephrase your question or statement. The more you affirm your kiddos when the do the work to communicate, the more they will know what your are looking for and the odds increase that you will enjoy more communication between the two of you as they develop.  #positveexperience

Why Same Page Parenting Is So Important

If you've been reading my blog at all, you have heard me touch on the importance of parents being on the same page. Because of my continued experience with families struggling to parent their kiddos, it's time for me to bring this topic up once again.

It will not do your kid any good if parents can't or won't agree on their approach. Your kid needs one approach, not two or more. Not only do you both need to be on the same page, you need to remain consistent. It won't do to say "yes" to staying up one time and "no" another. Their minds are still developing and they need to count on you to give them the framework to feel secure. It won't do to allow candy "just this one time" when you don't want them to have it ever. They are counting on you to define their security and they need you to keep it stable for them.

If you are not in agreement about something with the other parent, have that conversation out of earshot or eyesight of your kids. In front of your kids, you are one united unit. If they come up to you and ask if they can do something, be aware they might have already asked the other parent and gotten a "no", so ask them if they asked before you reply. I can't tell you how many times my hubby came in the room, saw a kid doing something and asked me why I had let them. Each time, they had already asked him first. After much practice, I became adept at asking "what did Dad say??" and seeing a frustrated kid slink away. Still tempted to argue in front of the kids so you can be right about something? Congratulations. You will teach your kid to disrespect the other parent and that disrespect can blossom into some pretty ugly stuff the older they get. Including disrespect of another gender or even authority.

Still not convinced both parents need to be a united front? Maybe you are divorced and don't see the need? Wrong. If you are sharing custody this is certainly tough, but it's doable for the sake of the kid. Let me repeat. For. The. Sake. Of. Your. Kid. Not your ego or anger toward the ex. For. Your. Kid. I hope and pray you want a healthy, functioning adult kid one day more than you hate the ex. For their good, you both need to unify and present a solid front on the major things like driving, curfew, grades. Pick the big ones only - leave the socks, candy and menus up to each "home". Remember to think about what it would be like for you to move back and forth every other week. (Wait, maybe they should stay in the house and the parents should move back and forth?) If you have a boy, there is a huge likelihood he will be bigger than either one of you while he still lives at home. If you have not insisted on respecting parents while he is still short, good luck when he can deck you flat and outweighs you. Fathers should reinforce respect of mothers when their sons mouth off or diss her by standing firm about "his woman" being treated right. Alpha male time, dads! Moms should do the same for fathers.

Be willing to listen to the other parent's ideas. If their reasoning is only because that's the way their parents did something but you have research to show otherwise, listen up and let go. It's not about being right. It's about the good of your kid. Attend parenting workshops to get you started or read some good parenting books (Dr. Kevin Leman is an awesome author of many) and blogs.

In my years of working with families, it is usually the father's lack of interest or busyness that gets the parents off of the same page. Some times fathers assign things like talking about sexuality to mom as "women's work". Some times fathers won't pick up the book that mom has put right in front of them. Some fathers dismiss the mom's ideas as silly and insist on barking orders instead. Or, they hover and call and text multiple times a day to know every single action going on. My own father communicated only through my mother, the mouthpiece. He elected himself as royalty.  There is no excuse for a father not to participate in parenting his kids. Not one. Not even being too busy with work. None of these examples are worth following. Think carefully here. If pride is keeping one of you from putting in the effort (or fear, anxiety, your own bad childhood) it's time for therapy. You are modeling an unhealthy adult life to your kids. It's not what you say that teaches them. It's what you do. Or don't do. Every time you think of yourself, ask yourself what kind of adult life you desire for your child.

I leave you with an observation after 20 years of field experience. 99% of the time the parents don't get on the same page, trouble follows. Trouble takes the form of a withdrawn teen, withdrawn spouse, divorce, distraught children. Anxious children unable to make their own decisions, lying, poor school performance, physical ailments, drugs, alchohol, promiscuity, pregnancy, abortion, suicide or criminal activity. I have not met one parent who set out to produce a child with any of these characteristics, but these are the by-products of egos left unchecked. And even if your child is "only" anxious, why would you want "even" that to be something they have to deal with just because you don't agree?

It's a new year. What about agreeing to agree? Unite and show your kids you are there as role models desiring a special future for them. Do your very best to know them and coach them - but don't fix things for them. Show them how they can do the fixing. But please, stay on the same page.

Acting "As If" You Are a Calm Parent

For over twenty years, I have been teaching this concept to overwhelmed parents. I like to call it "Valium Girl". Whatever you call it, the principle is that you act as if you are calmer than you really are for the sake of your child's outbursts, tears or fits.

Not really. I invented Valium Girl for my own sanity. Using it for my shrieking kid was a mere by-product. Practicing it for several years before I became an expert was a collateral blessing. Teaching it to others has been extra credit. As an MFT student these days, I read lots of therapy and concept material. And you know what? My little Valium Girl theory holds up pretty well, so I am going to revisit it today.

For whatever reason you want to try to act calmer than you really are, remember that feelings follow actions. If you are feeling cray-cray, angry, despondent, overwhelmed - whatever - that does not dictate what you do or say. Your feelings come second. Actions first. I have moms who tell me "but I have to yell when I am angry!!" No, mom, you don't. All that will do is incite your kid to respond in kind and you will have a bigger mess on your hands. Your feelings matter, but they do not need to be expressed. Not right now. Instead, take a deep breath and imagine you are the calmest  person in the world. The most emotionally strong parent ever. Do. Not. React. Act as if that fit is not happening.

Remember these four powerful things: One, you are the intended audience for the fit. If you don't buy a ticket, there's no show for him. Two, your toddler lacks the self-control you are supposed to have. Three, you have the power to defuse the emotional bomb. Four, just because she wants you to react (or you want to) doesn't mean you have to comply.

It took me over two years of acting like I was emotionally calm before I really was. Inside I was trembling, ready to explode or call the police. But on the outside, I cranked up the smooth jazz music and put on a neutral facial expression the kid in the car seat could see from the rearview mirror. And one day, lo and behold, I realized I really was as calm on the inside as I was acting on the outside!

Acting calm kept me emotionally out of a mess and enabled me to be more objective about what was going on with my kid. I was able to calmly tell him we didn't kick mama's car seat as if it was a boulder of cement and successfully complete the three-hour traffic rider home. I was able to see his needs. Your're upset right now, what's that feeling? Oh. I hate traffic, too! What can we sing about instead? How many cop cars can you find? I was able to get him to articulate his feeling, label it and redirect the hair-trigger physical and verbal volume levels.

As it turns out, the ability for adults to recognize, identify and label emotions is a cornerstone of mental health. By acting calmer than I really felt, I was able to help promote that activity in a very small mind. My kid's mind, too. By practicing on my kid, I helped myself. By practicing on myself, I helped my kid.

This technique also works when they are too big for car seats. Remain calm when your teen says they have something to tell you. Affirm what they have said in order to help yourself be sure you heard them. It doesn't mean you agree, you just want to be sure you heard what they intended to say. Acting calm also gives you time to think about your response. Perhaps you will respond right then, but you might need to think on it and get back to them. By acting calm, you demonstrate you are a safe person for them to continue to come to.

Disclaimer: Acting as if you are calmer than you really are has nothing to do with denying feelings. You are not masking them, either. You are merely delaying yours. Think of yourself as a tool of peace at that moment in that situation. Two screamers will not make traffic move any faster. And one of you has to be about safety. Why not the one with the driver's license? Who says you can't tell your backseat maniac you feel angry about his volcanic eruption and need him to calm down? Just do it calmly. It will calm you down in the process.

In the process of applying this little theory in parenting, I have learned to lower my freak-out level and attach less of a value to many little things that often plague mamas. That has been a gift to my sanity. Who cares if they want to wear shorts in winter or refuse to turn in their homework? Sometimes we have to rest knowing we taught the information appropriately, but it's their turn to apply it. If we apply it for them, they rely on us. That's not healthy parenting. We're supposed to be teaching these baby birds to learn to fly on their own. Especially emotionally.