Teaching Kids to Stand Up For Themselves

In the mental health world, that's called "self advocacy". It refers to a child's ability to articulate their needs and not wait for others to spell it out for them. It also refers to a child's ability to verbalize when they are uncomfortable or need help.

When we are teaching our toddlers to make a choice between which apple they want to eat, or which toy they want to play with, we are beginning the process of self-assertion. When we see our toddler yank a toy out of a peer's grasp, we (wince) see another form of self-assertion. When we do not give our toddler the candy they wanted at Target and they begin screaming and kicking, we see yet another form of self-assertion. Some forms of self-assertion are good, even necessary. Other forms of self-assertion are more selfish and require redirection.

Some self-assertion we delight in noticing. Our child has a favorite toy or color. Our child loves a certain song or book. You follow. Other self-assertions are unacceptable. Like being rude to others, or having fits.

Sometimes, I think parents are so focused on making sure their kids behave, I think they forget to pay attention to two other things. One: Thinking that outward "performance" indicates inward comprehension. Two: Overlooking the opportunity to teach kids an appropriate way to voice a disagreement, disappointment or discomfort.

Regarding Number One. If your child does not internalize why certain actions are positive but merely performing to please you, you need to work on their comprehension. If they merely walk through the motions in order not to get in trouble, they won't "own" it and will require supervision and unable to become an independent thinker.  If you think you need to narrate and manage every single moment, you are missing the point in parenting: raising a child to function and thrive on their own.

Number Two: Kids have to learn how to ask for what they need in a direct way. If the bus driver forgets to stop and drop them off, they need to be able to let the driver know that - without fear of repercussion or slumking down out of nervousness because other kids will see and hear. Kids need to be able to ask their non-custodial parent for a coloring book and know that is okay. Kids need to be able to move away from any uncomfortable touch - even if it is that heavilly perfumed Aunt Matilda that you adore. Please don't teach your child to care, hug or kiss on command. Trust their vibe. If they are uncomfortable, that's okay. That sonar may help them in a future dating scenario or worse - an attempted molestation. Just smile at Aunt Matilda, blow her a kiss and pat your kiddo on the shoulder, telling him to go play. Not everybody is a hugger.

The Part Two to Number Two is that kids need to know how to tell another kid to knock it off. That kid who calls them names on the bus. The older neighbor boy who hangs their bike in a tree. That snotty girl who no longer talks to them at lunch. This has to start in elementary school if you are going to have a strong child in middle and high school where bullying is on RedBull.

Practice role-playing. Be calm and matter-of-fact. If you are anxious or worried, they don't need to know about it. Encourage your child how to ask for help. How to say no. Help your child to understand that they do not have to let anyone treat them unacceptably. Teach them how to see what is okay and what is not okay. Most importantly, coach your darlings to realize that bullies do not speak or act on truth and that nothing the bully does reflects on any of their personal value. Not. One. Iota.  And when they come home and tell you how they handled something well, make the biggest deal in the world and affirm their socks off.

My goal for my kids has been to regard others with dignity while standing up for themselves respectfully - unless the situation would escalate toward harm. Then the rules don't apply - it's safety first.

Why I Hate School Buses

In all my parenting years, and years as a parent educator and consultant, I have never heard one positive thing about school bus rides. Not from any kids. Not from any parents.

I have heard tale upon tale about what a negative experience for children a ride on the school bus has become.

Let's think about it. For two large chunks of your child's time away from you each school day, they are sitting ducks in a large vehicle that doesn't use seatbelts and the only adult anywhere around is
busy driving the bus! Each standard North American school bus has a maximum capacity of 72 passengers. Where have you ever seen one adult responsible for the safety of 72 children?

In Sunday School settings, the ratio of adults to kids for a kindergarten class is 2:10. Each adult focuses on 5 kids. By the time kids are in middle elementary grades, there would be 2:16. Study after study has shown that no one adult can effectively teach/impact/relate to more than 8 kids at a time. So what in the world are we doing to our children by squishing them into bus seats like little sardines?

We are throwing them into a tin tank to fend for themselves. That one bus driver can't possibly see everything going on, and often there are no enforced standard expectatoins. Kids tell me there is a difference between the morning driver and the afternoon driver. Sometimes buses include an age range from K all the way to 12th grade. Once kids learn that the driver is not going to enforce calm, respectful behavior they hurl themselves into seeing how much they can get away with. One child recently told me another child was "giving her the finger", hitting, kicking and pulling her hair. The driver did not see it.

Another child told me that due to a bus driver's resignation, her bus combined their route with the vacant bus's and there are now three children per seat! If there are 18 row of six kids, that means 108 kids are under the care of just one adult. This child tells me she is regularly bullied every afternoon.

If your child has had a good day at school and might be eager to tell you (or show you) all about it, that warm feeling can be heavilly dampened by a bad experience on the ride home. Even if they aren't the kid getting bullied, they are aware of it. And if they have a driver that doesn't control the volume level, they hear it.

And what if they have an absurdly long bus ride? We lived on the edge of town and were the first pick up but the last drop off. That meant our second grader got off the bus at 5:00 p.m. when school let out at 3:40. In the winter, it was literally dark when he came home. Once we realized this, we tried as often as possible to be at school to drive him home instead.

Later we switched to a nearby charter school that the district provided busing for. The only problem was it took three different buses to get him there. So I became one of the moms in the parking lot picking him up. Today, the pick up line at that school winds its way beyond the parking lot and way down the street. More and more parents are limiting their child's exposure to other unsupervized kids.
In our lives, the bus became an emergency back up. Nothing beats the conversations while you are driving with your kids. It is valuable time redeemed.

In my perfect world, there would be at least two other adults on each bus sitting 36 kids apart. I would play calm, classical music and assign seats. There would be zero tolerance for the smallest twitch and serious consequences - including a behavior class - that followed.

Give your child a blessing by being the first face they see after a long day at school, you won't be sorry for that special time, ever. And if you learn that your child is one of the bullies, come down hard on them and insist they make apologies immediately. Forget being defensive, character is at stake.

It's Never Over For Your Kids

I'm talking about divorce. For the parents, there's a final decree and the court date. Boom, marraige over. The notarized paper says so. As time marches on, hopefully each one comes to terms with the end of the union and works through their pain/anger/grief and aquisition of a new toaster or table. It's over for parents.

Not for the kids. The court date didn't draw a line for them. It's not something they get over, because they are the victims of its ongoing consequences. The divorce remains present tense for the kids. Forever.

If you are a spouse, you can say you were once married to someone who (fill in the blank) and you don't have to deal with that anymore. You can move on. The kids don't see it like that. Even the most ugly marraiges aren't viewed through an adult lens.

These are just kids. They have to live with a dead family that now exists in fragments in multiple locations. Their "space" changes as they shuttle back and forth between two households - maybe more if grandparents are in the mix, too. The rules and vibes change, too. Perhaps one parent is more consistent and one more laid back? Maybe one spends more money? They might be in the shaddows, observing mom or dad (or both) dating. The dates might have their own kids. Each parent might marry again. There could even be a new little brother or sister in one household, not to mention any kids that came with the new spouse. Can you imagine what that does to their birth order? The new baby gets to live with dad full time, but they don't. Can you imaging what that does to their self-worth? They are a  part-time kid now. Sob.

On a more petty level, they have stuff spread out between locations, and the way the parents regard the stuff impacts their daily life. "No, you cannot bring that item to your mother's. It stays here." What if they liked the thing 7 days a week, not just weekends? Too bad. Not now.

Worse, what if the parents can't co-parent and do not value the fact that their sperm and egg caused their child into being? The biological role cannot be erased as simply as a marraige license. Mom is mom, Dad is dad. Each parent should strive to communicate objectively with the other because they are still parents. The change is that when they parent now, they aren't together locationally. But they can and should be together - on the same page - as co-parents. It should not be about trying to control the other parent's home life, or sabbotage a relationship or play mean. That gig is at the expense of the child.

My ex used to steal our daughter's coats. In a seven-month period, 5 coats went away. I would send her dressed weather-appropriately and she would come home without a coat or jacket. The first few times it happened, I would call and ask to have him bring back the coat next time. His standard reply was "what coat? I don't have it". Initially I tried to reason and say "yes you do, it was on her when you picked her up". But my descriptions and reminders fell on passive-agressive ears. "I don't have it." The first coat was a nice one, the next coat was one she was growing out of. When I realized he was trying to control me by bothering me, I shut up and sent her in hand-me-down jackets until I ran out. Then I stopped sending her in a coat, period. At just five years old, she was well aware that her father was trying to jerk us around.  If she got cold, she could tell him. I was done engaging.

Our daughter, however, was taught that daddy didn't care about her basic well-being. Bad move on his part. She even stopped bringing him things from school to show him. That still stabs my heart thinking of that this many years later. The earnest little face that wanted her father's affection and approval became determined and savvy at an age when she should have only had to think about what outfit to put on Barbie. But she had to step up to care for herself when she was with him - because he wasn't. The guy who sneered feidishly at me and tried other such manouvers to "get me" failed to make me anxious or worried. He succeeded in damaging the heart of his developing little girl all because he placed a higher value on lashing out than he did in co-parenting.

When she would tell me what he had done or not done, I would empathize and say :"Oh Honey, I am sooo sorry he chose to do that. Come have a hug."  When she would ask me why he would do that, my reply was similar: "I don't know why he would choose that. Let's pray for him to be the best daddy." While I would vent to my friends, I did not disparaiage her father in front of her. I encouraged her to love him because he was her dad, beast that he was. Kids want permission to love both parents. Give it.

You may be in a horror movie of a marraige. (I sure was.) But that ended a long time ago. He died the year after the divorce was final. There were pieces to process and therapy to work on, but it's long over. The hell is over. For me. For our daughter? She is still a child of divorce who lost her home and lifestyle. Her mom returned to work to support them and she learned about before and after school daycare in additon to packing a little suitcase every other weekend. Her parents were in different houses.

How do small children process such drastic changes? Today there are some great support groups for parents and kids. The one I really like is national: Divorce Care 4 Kids. It helps them deal with their divorce at age appropriate levels. When I was divorced, there were support groups for adults but kids weren't addressed. If you are going through a divorce, please take advantage of a group for your kiddoes. They need to be able to express their feelings with other kids who know what it's like. It is even more critical if you have to live with game-playing or lack of parenting from the other parent.

Another great tool for sharing information about the kids neutrally is an internet based tool called Our Family Wizard.  Parents can share schedules, visits and parenting plans not to mention journal, log expenses and e-mail. This gem is worth the $99 annual subscription. www.ourfamilywizard.com

Telling our kids they did not cause the divorce and that mom and dad will always love them isn't enough. We need to act like it by living it out. As hard as it is for a parent to go through a divorce, be sure you try to look at it through your child's eyes. Twenty years from now, they are the ones who will have to figure out which house to go to for Thanksgiving, not you.

Happy Birthday, Baby

Going viral this week is the email from parents of a little boy about to turn one listing things "he wants" for his first birthday. Complete with links to the resource sites, the parents school the recipients with the do's and don't for gifting to their child.

No more than two gifts per family. Only the gifts on the list will do. These are the things he wants.  All gifts must be accompanied by a receipt because they may have to return. The Receipt Rule applies now and evermore. No personalized items, that is kidnap-worthy. Only the Cheerio book for now as he has 35 more books in storage. If you have a question about a gift, call first as one may already be in storage. Oh, and by the way there is another approved list for the family so that there will be no duplicates.

No please, no thank you. Just instructions so tedious they rival the tax code.

Obviously, these are first timers. No one-year-old on the planet knows it's their birthday much less what they want for gifts! They state that "he hates" when they read to him right now. Hmmm. Depends on how they are doing it. That's not the book's fault. Bet the kid hates their (lack of) method. Thinking that their kid's birthday is a big deal for the world is another clue.

Not only are these people wimpy first-timers, they are greedy and materialistic. The email complained about the cost of formula, while mentioning all the things in storage. Storage? They have so much stuff it all can't fit in the same place and there are items waiting for when the kid turns three??

That poor little guy. He doesn't stand a chance for turning out to be a solid citizen. Not with his parents and family focusing on stuff and lists and rules. He's not gonna get to learn how to say "thank you" for a surprise (it has to be on the list, remember) or thoughfulness. He's not even gonna know what being thoughtful is. Instead, he's gonna wade through stuff and have so many material items orchestrated for his supposed "development" he will become dependent, uncreative, self-centered and demanding. Good job, first-timers. Good job!

Doesn't the world need more myopic people who only care for themselves and are so self-absorbed they truly believe they need to manage every detail because then things will surely turn out right?

You don't need any money to celebrate the anniversary of your baby's birth. You may want to shout it to the world, but please if you do, no emails ordering the guests to select from your pre-approved list.

Here's hoping this email was a belated April Fool. If not, then by all means bring the kid anything you like if you really want to hang around such self-absorbed people. Not me. I can't be in the same room when people are wrecking a perfectly fine kid.

What's Wrong With School Fundraisers?

Ding dong. It's a highschool guy selling coupon booklets for 20% off places you never go. Hello, would you like to buy this pricey wrapping paper? No? Well what about these pizzas or tubs of macadamia nut cookie dough? Doesn't everyone need a 5-lb snowflake tin of popcorn for the holidays?

I dare anyone in North America to tell me they have never been approached by a kid selling something of behalf of her school. If it's not the kid, it's the parent who brought the sheet to work to "help" their son increase sales.

If you are a relative, you probably feel like you really have to buy something. If you are the parent, you know you better.

If you are like me, you dread fundraisers. There seems to be more and more of them so you might live in dread all school year long (insert face scrunch emoto here). They are demands for money to "support" the school because there just isn't enough government money to properly fund education. (Ooooo don't even get me started about the government...) The good children will sell as much of this stuff as possible and will be recognized with a special prize and maybe their name on a plaque. The bad children will not do much and will be shunned and everyone will know they failed because the results are celebrated in class with an accompanying parade. Losers must watch in shame while the teachers and ringleaders make a big deal about the winners.

C'mon, is it really this bad you ask? Yes. When the fundraisers are introduced to each grade level, someone promoting it ethusiastically tells the rapt audience about the prizes they will earn at each sales level. The kids float home dreaming of the big prize and eagerly tell their parents they have to - absolutely must - sell, sell, sell. They want to sell The Most. Why? For the nifty prize, of course.

The kids aren't taught about the value of the items to sell or the concept behind the fundraiser. The sponsors merely appeal to greed and show the kids "what they get" out of the deal. Great. Another vapid reinforcement of selfishness and materialism. Yuck. That's what wrong with school fundraisers. They are altruistic decreasers of integrity.

And just try having more than one kid fundraising at the same time. How does Nana decide who to support? Does she buy a roll of wrapping paper from each of the four kiddos? Anyone stop to think Nana might be living on a fixed income? What if the fundraiser's very own family is financially strapped and cannot afford to outlay anything to "support" this important project? What does that do to the kid? Parents? Someone needs to break it to you that if your boss shows up expecting fundraiser sign-ups that you needn't worry about having to comply. Even if you buy, your boss is not going to like you better. Your job is safe.

Not only do fundraisers use guilt techniques and encourage a "what's in it for me" mindset, the prizes they give out are poorly made. Cheap. None of the prizes are keepers you can pass on to the next generation. They dazzle in the promotional photos, but in reality they will break within days if they even make it home on the bus in one piece. Then you have a disappointed kid to console. What a fiasco! You bought all that cookie dough for nothing, huh? Plus: why are any dollars being used for prizes if funds are needed so badly? Hmmmm.

When my kids brought home the glossy fundraiser flyers, I used them as a tool to teach that we can't simply buy everything everyone asks us to. No matter what the reason. It doesn't make us "bad" not to buy. If we have a need for it and the available cash - sure. Since there were fourteen other grandchildren on the family tree, we did not hit up grandparents. We did not bug friends or neighbors either. They had their own little fundraisers. I also pointed out how poorly made the prize was, and how we don't do things to get a prize. I would offer to buy a similar prize that was better made and would last if they worked on a specific goal for a period of time. I coached our kids not to accept any messages at school about being less than others or place their value in what they brought in. And no slumping down at their desk when the "winner" was crowned, either. Just because we didn't spend a lot of money does not make us wrong. Do not receive that message.

Presuring the kids to perform is wrong. Let's teach our kids that we are always their best teachers and will set them straight in this world. Redirect their thoughts out of that herd mindset to blindly follow. And petition the principal to limit the promotion of fundraisers and give parents the opt-out option at the start of the school year. There are other ways to earn money besides sending kids out there and dangling carrots in front of their eager, bright eyes.

Why You Need To Know This About Your Child's Brain

Recent metro area news saddened and impacted a local school district when a 15-year-old boy allegedly accidentally shot his 14-year-old girlfriend and then ran off and shot himself. The girl survived. The boy is dead. Every school in the district followed up with gun safety lessons for each age group. It might prevent future horrors - and I hope it does. But it cannot change this tragedy.

A quick visit to his social media page shows a buffet of photos where the boy was either posing with a gun or acting as if he was holding a gun. Those pictures go back more than a year. He loved guns, and he apparently had relatively easy access to them.

Let's use Piaget's Stages of Cognitive Development, but in everyday language. If you have taken any psych class you have run into the four stages that get us from birth to mid-teens. The stages move from touching and sensing to doing and thinking. The kiddos are "doing" (concrete thinkers) from about 7 to 12 and then "thinking" (abstract thinking) from 12 on up. These stages do not follow chronological development, so a 13-year-old could easily be stuck as more of a concrete thinker. That's how old the boy was in the earlier photos. He was holding a gun, looking cool with no thought of the potential damage it could cause. Click - he was just looking cool at that moment.

If you add drugs or trauma into the mix, a child could feasibily be stuck at the development stage he was at while the chronological age marches on. I know someone now 55 who began doing drugs at age 13. Guess what his social media posts read like? Yep. An early teen still anxious to party on Friday and a fixation on demeaning photos of female anatomy.

The human brain does not even stop growing until the late 20's or early 30's. When you think about that, doesn't it make you wonder why we culturally normalize an 18-year-old-going off to war or a 21-year-old getting married? They have another decade of maturing to do yet we allow them to take on tremendous responsibility. I was a beginner adult when I married the first time at age 21. But in title only. I wasn't a woman and I wasn't mature. The next ten years of brain development and life experience put the icing on the cake of who I am today.

One of my teen clients recently had a baby. She's 15. Part of her is a teen wanting to use her cell phone and gossip. The other part of her pushed a baby out and talks about her weight loss. Technically she is a mother. She gave birth. The statistics and her trajectory indicate that sadly, she will not give life to this little baby. Both she and her mother ignored my suggestion to have the baby adopted in to a two-parent family that was craving children.

Many of my parent clients complain about their children "not listening" or "arguing" with them. Upon further dialog, I learn that the parent has expected adult thinking in the body of a 10-year-old. Time and time again, I remind them that their brains are not even capable of drawing the conclusiion the parent intended. They are literal and concrete. We need to cut them some slack while helping them learn to think on their own. Do you really want your college student calling you to ask how to do the laundry or how to load their backpack?

Even though our kids are concrete thinkers, it doesn't mean we can't coach them in drawing their own conclusions. Rather than tell kids what to do about something, ask them what they think should happen. Get them to process what is going on and to arrive at the answer without you spelling it out for them.

Examples:
1. It's cold outside and you are all going out. Instead of saying "Go get your coat" and not giving them the reasoning,  say "It's cold outside. We'll need coats." The older they get, you can merely state "It's cold" and they can determine if they prefer to be cold or warm.

2. Your kid is working on a presentation. Instead of telling them to say this and that, then more of that. Explain what an introduction is. Teach them how to identify main points. Show them how to wrap it up in a conclusion. You can just call it the begining, the middle and the end. Coach them in identifying what pieces of information should go where. Now you have not only helped them with one project, you have equiping them for the next ones.

3. You are showing your kid how to cook. At least you thought you were. Instead of telling them to pour the sugar into this measuring cup, teach them how to read the recipe and find the corresponding measruing cup from the set. Model the correct way to hold the spatula by showing how much more control there is when we hold it at a certain angle.

Less  talking, more doing.

Concrete thinkers will follow instructions just fine, but don't we want them to make good decisions  their own? It starts with the way we talk to our kids and what we expect from them. Just because you showed them once doesn't ensure they will do it that way again. They are learning how to think. Instead of saying "I told you that already!!" give them a cue.

You can't role-play enough safety scenarios as far as I'm concerned. They have to pre-think a plan so that they get out alive and know just what to do in case they are faced with a friend's bad decision. The day a friend shows them a gun to play with is not the day for them to wonder what to do.

Who Cares if They Don't Eat Dinner?

One of my favorite things to teach parents with small children is how not to fret about dinner time. Some parents try implementing my techniques right away while others continue to have the daily argument and worry about their child's nutrition. The ones who consistently implement tell me how delighted they are with the results.

I'm not saying I don't care about nutrition. I absolutely do. Read on if you would like to stem the boring "eat your dinner" diatribe and enjoy actual conversations instead. Read on if you would like to have a pleasant meal time with your family. If you want to perpetuate fussy eating and whining and raise a little princess or prince, don't bother. (And if that's your goal then what are you doing reading this blog??)

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. That's the perfect visual for the parent who nags "eat your dinner" every night and thinks that is what is gonna - snap - get their kid to eat.

Nooooo. Kids learn best by hearing, seeing and doing.

All you need to say is "Dinner time." It's rather obvious that the food on the plate is intended to be eaten using the silverware sitting on their napkin. You can model eating by taking bites off your own plate. Create a calm environment - shut off the TV - select conversation threads that don't incite arguments and allow a reasonable period of time for everyone to eat.

Rushing is not good for digestion and can lead to choking, much less anxiety. Public school allows about 20 minutes for lunch, so take your cue from them and add a few more minutes. Teach your family that no one leaves the table until dinner is over. It's rude to have members get up and leave those who chew more slowly. Did you know we are supposed to chew each bite about 20 times? And yes, I am well aware that no one does that in North America. Those who finish early can have more salad, or if they are full they can add to the conversation. No one should start urging slower eaters to hurry. Let the plates sit until the last person finishes. You are not at a restaraunt where they take off the dirty plates the instant someone finishes.

It's another thing if you have a strong-willed kid who stares off and makes no attempt to eat. When the time is up for dinner to be over, it's over. The kitchen is closed until breakfast. For those who have finished their dinner and get hungry later, they are welcome to a bowl of non-sugary cereal before bed. But if they didn't eat their dinner, they don't get a special meal prepared for them - much less a snack.

All you do is smile cheerfully when they delcare "But I'm hungry!!!!"

"I would be too, if  I didn't eat dinner." Smile.

"But --- I'm hungry!!!"

"The kitchen is closed. Breakfast is at 7:00." Another smile.

A couple of nights of this is all it will take for your fussy eater grasp the concept that food will be available at dinner time or they will go hungry. The key is to act as if you are on valium and unfazed by their words. I call this being "Valium Girl". It will take awhile to get it perfected, but remember that all you have to do is act like it. Eventually your feelings of zen will follow the act. There is much parental power to be had by remaining chill and not responding.

Don't let them follow you around trying to wear you down. Gently guide them to their room to get ready for bed. If they come out and want to continue to attempt their power play, point them toward to door to leave the room. Don't talk about dinner any more. Repeat your mantra about breakfast.

I repeat, do not make your fussy eater a separate meal from the rest of the family. You aren't a short order cook. Everyone gets a taste of everything. If your kid "hates" your menu and sulks, get up and dump his plate in the sink and sit back down and eat your dinner. Excuse that kid from the table and calmly continue conversing with the rest of the family. If they ask you why you did that, shrug and say that they said they didn't like it. Breakfast is at 7:00. Remember, no snacking later, The kitchen is closed.

You won't have to do this too many times before it will sink in that you mean business. Oh, and that reminds me. Only one parent needs to do the talking. If there are two parents present, one talks and the other joins in acting calm and changing the subject with everyone else.