Taking Your Kids To Starbucks

Right now I am sitting behind a mom with three boys under the age of six. When they came in, I grimaced. I had specifically gone to a different Starbucks in order to disappear into my work uninterrupted and in came chattering backpacks bigger than the boys. The backpacks meant they were going to be here for awhile. Did I remember to bring my earbuds??

The first clue that this was going to be different was when I saw the oldest boy carrying all three hot chocolates across the room for his brothers. He held two in one hand just like a server. Mom had walked over to the garbage can and joined him on his way back to the table. She smiled and said calmly, "Oh you got them all??!! Nice." No rush to to grab them because he might spill. Just proud affirmation of his thoughtfulness.

They started to unpack their backpacks. The oldest had some homework worksheets that mom quickly encouraged him to work on while busying the other two with a separate activity. It's been nearly an hour now, and I haven't needed to insulate myself with Pandora. The entire gang has been pleasantly-and-volume-appropriately-occupied at their table. None of the other Starbucks patrons sitting at their screens has even looked up. I want to applaud!!

In fact, the pleasant chatter and sweet "Mommy's" are better music. They aren't fighting for attention or whining. Each one is being validated by Mom and she measures her attention back and forth. Just now she gave an assignment for the oldest to read to the middle one while she took the youngest to the Loo.

Why does this situation work so smoothly? Easy. Mom is utterly focused on her babies and she isn't trying to do anything else.

The kids can be addressed as a group with side bars for a specific child. The boys clearly behave as if they belong in a nurtured group. So impressive.

The other big thing that puts a smile on my face is that mom is doing a Bible Study with the boys. It's age-appropriate and interactive. They chat happily with each other about favorite colors as they mention what happened that week. This is priceless.

"Yup"

"There you go"

"Where is...."

"Okay"

"What would I do first?"

No correcting words are used - just redirection.

You can tell that this style of parenting is the norm for these children. And they know that they are safe and cared for. Valued but not doted on. Mom maintains a sweet, non-anxious presence.

I wish I could say I saw this scenario often, but I really don't. Usually the mom is on her smart phone and the kids are fending for themselves. They might be sitting together, but there is no interaction. Unless of course they get loud, then two moms out of ten will speak up while keeping her attention affixed to her precious communication device.

In the psychology world, the sweet Starbucks mom was "fully present". Here's a decaf toast to all the caregivers out there who take the time to really be there for their kids. The investment is priceless.

The P.O.D.

This stands for Parent on Duty. It was the code word my husband and I used in front of our children to indicate the need for the cavalry to take over.

I can honestly say our kids never saw us argue about parenting in front of them. (Although we argued about other important things such as why didn't he use the parking place I had identified.) In front of the kids, we did not want them to hear some of the thoughts running through our heads like:

• I can't take this anymore
• Please help me
• I need to leave the house
• I'm exhausted from arguing with them
• I'm beat to _______
• I'm going crazy
• You won't believe what I've been dealing with
• This will take both of us to handle

Rather than articulate reality, we created our simple S.O.S. code and sweetly conjured up a valium-esque smile and would say, "Will you be the P.O.D.?" or sometimes just "P.O.D!!!"

We used this code only when necessary. So when the question was asked, neither one of us balked. It was time to roll up our sleeves and step in. Right away.

Sometimes, the request would be "I need you to be the P.O.D. tomorrow night because I have a meeting." Or, "I need a bath." Neither one of us questioned the other's need for support. We just stepped in, allowing the harried spouse to go breathe for awhile.

Our youngest could have charged batteries for the Everyready corporation with his level of constant energy, so he was most frequently dual P.O.D'd. 

P.O.D. was used to deal with the momentary parenting issues when you need extra arms and legs, velcro or duct tape and a flare. Bathing, eating or playing with toys was not included. Putting your child back in the stroller every time you paused was. Or trying to catch them at the playground when it's time to go home. Or when they have decided they can't hear your voice any longer. Or when you changed the last diaper.

We haven't used this phrase in years. It faded from our vocabulary the taller and more adept with life skills they became.  I chuckle now as I reflect on how that silly code brought us together as a parenting team and how supported we each felt. All we had to do was ask. In code.

The Little Boy at Starbucks

If you read much form me, you know that Starbucks is my office. In fact, I have a chain of them to select from. For the mere price of a decaf mocha, I can and have sat for hours bent over a book or my laptop enjoying a pleasant atmosphere where I can focus away from home. Yesterday was no exception.

When I arrived, there was only one table occupied in the entire location. On one side sat a woman with her laptop screen open, papers and her phone resting at the side. She was intent on the screen's information. Across from her sat a little boy no more than seven years old. He was dressed in a striped T-shirt reminiscent of the 70s and neatly combed hair. A backpack hung on the back of his chair as he crouched over a hand-held electronic item. I surmised this was a mother and son and she needed to take him with her while she worked, so she took her laptop to Starbucks instead of the office.

They had been there awhile before I arrived. I say this because their belongings appeared to be well-established and they were settled. Empty drink cups sat on the table. I was there four hours. They left thirty minutes before I did. Not once did I see that boy move from his chair or hear him speak. The woman took a few phone calls but did not leave her chair, either. At one point when I went to order another drink, he appeared slumped over the table so I thought he fell asleep. Nope. He had just found a way to rest his forehead on the table and play the game from his lap.

I did not hear a word from either of them as they packed up for the day. The woman did not break a smile and appeared lost in thought. The little boy was non-reactive and appeared as if he was used to going places with her and occupying himself.

Upon first seeing them, I thought it was a mom-and-son-day and they were just hanging out together. When mom kept her focus on her laptop screen and he didn't speak, I thought it was mom-didn't-have-anyone-to-watch-her-son-while-she-worked-day. When I kept seeing the boy stay in his chair, I thought it was the-most-compliant-boy-in-the-world-day, coupled with neither-of-my-kids-would-have-ever-sat-3-minutes-silently-across-from-me-day. At the end of these occasional observations, I decided it was #sadface-little-boy-at-starbucks-day.

Why a sad face? Because that little boy spent at least half of a business day with beautiful summer weather lighting up the windows sitting in a chair alone. Sure, his mom was across from him. But only physically. Mentally she was computing, managing and planning. Even when they packed up, she did not notice him much less make a big deal about how much she was able to get done that they could now go get some ice cream and run at the park. Sure. She might have said that in the car. But in my not to be humble opinion, she missed her moment. That was one tired little boy. His eyes had been zombieing on a small electronic screen for hours. He had not spoken. No one had spoken to him. Mom might have felt like she had gotten a lot done, but that little boy was on empty. He needed instant affirmation.

Yes, I know what it is like to be a working mom with no one to watch my kids while having to face deadlines. Yes, my kids have "had" to come along with me from time to time. The difference was that they got attention, praise and eye contact. They did not have to sit quietly. I allowed myself to be interrupted by them. This mom might have had a drop-dead piece of work to complete. She did look awfully serious. But I still contend she could have smiled at her boy from time to time and hugged him once they stood up. And she should have enthusiastically praised his socks off. Video games aren't that fun for that long. Another suggestion? She could have made sure he had brought a variety of items to use and coached him to change focus now and then. And a wink across the top of her computer screen? Priceless.

Working parents: please don't forget that your little boy at Starbucks is a little human being with thoughts and feelings all his own. Just because he can sit there quietly doesn't mean he doesn't have something to say. Your facial expressions and words mean far more than you think. That was his day as much as it was yours.

Parenting Information Overload

The other day I was sitting with a toddler mom who shared a concern she and her friends had that they were missing developmental teaching moments as they learned the ropes of motherhood. They didn't know how to guard against that and spent more time anxious and chastising themselves.

I couldn't help but wonder if - in their quest to provide such perfect experiences with their wee ones - their angst overrode any of the fun or joy. It wasn't so long ago (in my heart) that I was one of those wide-eyed moms hoping to do parental justice on behalf of her own little baby. My mom was no longer alive, so I entered the role with a significant wisdom handicap.

Not only didn't I have a mom, my family was practically nonexistent. That's what happens when your parents are both only children and you move across the country. Here I am in a new city 2 months from the big day having no idea what to do, much less purchase in order to get the nursery ready. So, I decided to create a survey from the three baby books I had devoured that told me what items I simply had to have on hand at birth. Things like numbers of diapers, burp cloths, onesies, t-shirts, sheets, bottles, etc. I took this differing information and made a chart. From that chart I computed averages. Armed with that, I went shopping at the nearby outlet mall with a new also-expectant friend. It was hard for her to keep her eyebrows at a reasonable latitude when I brought out my list. But at that point, my list was my wisdom since I didn't have anyone in the flesh to ask. I stuck to my averages and bought my items, and discovered as time went along that not every baby needs 24 burp cloths.

I am happy to tell you not only did my first baby survive my mothering, so did my second! In fact, we all thrived. With a ten-year gap in-between, I had to re-buy and learn things all over again. And the second time I even did it without a survey much less any baby books telling me what to do or expect. They don't "need" all of the things advertised. It all depends on your lifestyle and baby. I tried that sling wrap thing that I admired other moms wearing. My baby hung out upside down and screeched.

The difference between me before the birth of my first and the birth of my second blessing? Confidence. I learned early on with baby #1 that I knew more that I thought I did once I paused to think for myself and not follow like a sheep. Initially I linked up with a number of mommy groups. But I wasn't a robot and I sucked at legalism. I wasn't about to wake up my sleeping baby to feed her just to maintain a schedule or change what was sure to be a wet diaper. Sleep is good. From this experience I learned to find my own mommie voice and discover what worked for my baby in my household. I survived the whole comparison of ability thing by chirping out ignorant feats to distract those anxious moms and gently removed myself from those weekly shame-a-thons.

As I grew in my own new discoveries, my baby was right there with me. Sometimes we learned together. Like what it was like to go to the store and have a volcanic breastmilk eruption down the front of my shirt. Or what it was like to check a baby in while I went to church. Or change pooped out clothes using your car's trunk. The longer I was a mommie, the more of an expert on my kid I became. Seeing how their minds and bodies worked prompted me to naturally do things that books now tell you to tap into your smart phone as a reminder.

When they are sitting on your lap as you read a book, don't turn the page to continue the narrative if you see your baby is more interested in pointing things out. How easy is it for us to ask them questions? What is that? Why do you think that's there? What do you think will happen next?

These guys are learning every second of every day. No wonder they need naps or get cranky! Constant intake is overwhelming. Everything you do with your toddler is an adventure, so don't think you even have to leave your yard. It's a big deal to them even if it isn't to you. Just stay off social media and be fully present with your child. Your time with them is more precious than the thing you think you have to hurry up and do.

One of the most soothing memories I have is taking my young son's hand (and having to lean low toward his shortness) as he toddled his way through the grocery store parking lot. All of the rush-zip-boom-ba whooshed out of my body as I experienced one careful step after the other right along with him.

I learned I knew more than I thought when I gave myself some credit. I also stopped flooding my mind with every possible parenting book and theory. Find one theory that works for you and you're set. Mine was Dr. Kevin Leman's reality discipline.Your role is to help your child learn from reality - not to scold, nag or warn. You teach calmly. I've taught this theory to hundreds of families and when it is used correctly, it's simple, effective and fun. The biggest downfall is the parental urge to nag and narrate "I told you so, see?" or any other such useless verbiage your kid translates to blah-blah-blah anyway.

There's a reason it takes 18 years to launch your kid, so please relax those clenched muscles, take a deep breath and enjoy it step by step.

What's In That Easter Basket?

There are four times a year I especially hate shopping in big box stores: Valentines, Easter, Halloween and Christmas. That's because the buffet of merchandise thrust in our periphery forces us to think about that next holiday coming up in... three months.

Forget about how they rush time on us. What about the sea of items dangled in front of our children enticing us to think we ought to buy? Our senses are accosted with stuffed, plastic, candied nothings. Wastes of money, all of it. Not one of the plastic toys will last a few days. The confetti paper will clog the vacuum and the candy-shaped items are insipid.

All this does is teach our children to become good consumers with poor taste. Especially when a recent kid movie is tied in to the holiday with their own low quality merchandise.

Parents: there is more to talking with your kids than asking them if they like their Smurf hat. There is more to any holiday than getting stuff. There is more to life than following what the marketers want you to waste your money on. Especially if you are on subsidy. Rather than bemoan what you can't afford, teach your children all of this junk is out there to tease people into wasting money.

Any holiday can be celebrated as a family without a monogramed pail, yard sign or special toothpaste. The big box retailers have successfully assisted in watering down North American events by having a special napkin we'd better buy or we won't be celebrating correctly. What happened to making your own paper ornaments? Baking together - not from the kit sold in the store?? Reading or acting out an event? Creating a memory does not cost a cent, folks. Don't be fooled by the ads you see. They are just doing their job - to get you to think you need their stuff in order to make your holiday happy.

When my kids were preschoolers, I taught them that commercials and ads were there to trick people. Their job was to make us think we had to "have more, need more or want more". Initially they both told me that couldn't be true, because it was on TV! But I was relentless. Even their beloved TV that played their special shows or DVDs existed for the very same reason. They began to learn that everyone who speaks isn't necessarily speaking truth, and slowly they began to realize things for themselves. It didn't take too many intentionally purchased dollar toys for them to see how quickly they broke. And before they hit the double digits, both began to think about saving money for something made better and longer lasting.

Our Easter baskets reflected fun, of course. But they also pointed toward the real reason we celebrate Easter in the first place - the gift of forgiveness and eternal life by Jesus Christ's death and resurrection. Yes there was a bit of candy, but there was also a book or DVD to reinforce what we were teaching about godly character. After I realized how cheap baskets broke and other baskets added to the clutter, I used the same two baskets year after year. They came out the night before Easter and went back in a closet the day after.

I resolved not to follow the commercialism that multiplies generationally. It gets harder and harder, doesn't it? As parents, we get to choose what our kids are taught. If you don't want your kids focused on getting things - especially poorly made things that mess up your house - you can take a refreshing stand. Use the mind you have that the advertisers are trying to dull.

I like to imagine what it was like 100 years ago before so many more material goods developed. The meaning of the event was the point - not the stuff around it.

#Nostalgic

Is It Because They Can't or Because They Won't?

In my work with families as well as in my studies, I have become more and more aware of how important it is to have an early diagnosis in cases of children with special needs.  The earlier the diagnosis, the less stress for the parents. Not that special needs children don't have their own set of stresses, of course they do. But studies show that the younger the child is when diagnosed, the lower the stress level on the parents over time. I'll add my own input here: and the sooner your child can begin receiving the proper developmental care.

Getting diagnosed early is also a problem. I knew from the womb our son was driven by a motor. From birth he didn't sleep - he merely recharged. By age three I read up on ADHD and his behaviors met all criteria. But the doctors would not even assess him until he was six. Yes we had nearly six very judgmental, stressful years. Two months before his sixth birthday, I begged the doctor to do the assessment. He complied and his ADHD was now confirmed by proper channels which meant we now had ammo to use with school to get support vs. judgement.

We didn't get that much support, but at least they had some reason behind the animal noises and sudden pouncing. Medication helped him to "focus". We never told him he had ADHD because we didn't want him to feel labeled. We just told him the focus pills would help him be the boss of his brain and he could choose to focus on the tip of his finger or what the teacher was saying. After a few years (and falling asleep on the bus) he told us he didn't like the way he felt with his medicine and we stopped giving it to him. We coached him to remember he had the choice of what to focus on and he worked hard to focus on appropriate things. By middle school the animal noises were gone. People that met him then refused to believe our stories about the three-year-old running laps around the dinner table. We were some of the lucky ones. We got an accurate diagnosis and were able to work with it. We knew early on, but it wasn't confirmed until kindergarten. And through prayer and self-control, our son is now a strong, responsible adult. No one believes he ever had ADHD. That's fine with me - he is now an adult living out the life we dreamed for him to have.

I know families who get early diagnosis only to find out by middle school it wasn't the correct one. Or it wasn't as detailed as it needed to be. One child was thought to have ADHD doesn't. He was thought to be rebellious by refusing to do his work at school or at home. He insisted he understood but refused to do it or give a reason why no matter how many different ways he was asked by his teachers, parents, or therapists. The parents finally commenced a battery of testing that revealed completely different issues with brain ability and processing skills. Everything that has been done for him to date has been the wrong approach. Based upon this new information, a number of new teaching approaches and therapies will need to be put in place. My heart breaks for a child so misunderstood for so long. It isn't that he doesn't want to - he can't.

Sometimes it's easy to know a child has special needs based upon appearance or equipment they use, but more often the special need is invisible. And not every boy rolling on the floor under the table in Sunday School has ADHD. Sometimes, it's just a disobedient kid. Before you decide it's someone with poor parents, before you decide it's a defiant kid - stop. Spend some time understanding what is going on first.

Since the younger the child, the harder it can be to fully diagnose, I would get several opinions - especially if you do not see any progress after six months. It's going to be hard to figure out what to call a child on if they have a strong will and a learning disability. It will be essential you find out what they are capable of so you can reinforce that. And I wouldn't let your special needs child use that as an excuse.

To cheer you up, take a look at some short lists of celebrities who have become successful contributors in various fields - if not the world. Don't stay discouraged! There is hope for anyone who wants to try.

Famous people with autism: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Daryl Hannah, Andy Warhol, Lewis Carroll, Dan Ackroyd

Famous people with OCD: Justin Timberlake, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jessica Alba, Katy Perry, Howie Mandel, Cameron Diaz, David Beckham, Charlize Theron, Albert Einstein, Penelope Cruz, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Alec Baldwin, Michael Jackson, Rose McGowan, Harrison Ford, Donald Trump, Martin Scorsese, Howard Stern, Woody Allen,

Famous people with ADHD: Justin Timberlake, Will Smith, Michael Phelps, Jamie Oliver, Jim Carrey, Sir Richard Branson, Howie Mandel,  Bill Gates, Eva Longoria, Joan Rivers,  Steven Tyler (Aerosmith), Elvis Presley, Michael Jordan, Stevie Wonder, Jack Nicholson,

Famous people with dyslexia: Jay Leno, Whoopi Goldberg, Henry Winkler, Steven Spielberg, Selma Hayek, Mohammad Ali, Magic Johnson, Keira Knightly,  Keanu Reeves, Charles Schwab (investor),  Vince Vaughn, Tim Tebow, Anderson Cooper, Cher, Tommy Hilfiger,  Daymond John, Barbara Corcoran, Ingvar Kamprad (IKEA founder), Paul Orfalea (Kinkos founder), Brian Grazer (director), Salma Hayek, Tom Cruise, Steve Jobs, Alyssa Milano, Anthony Hopkins, John Lennon,  Leonardo Da Vinci,  Ozzy Osborne, Danny Glover, Galileo Galilei (mathematician, scientist,physicist, astronomer),  Patrick Dempsey, Pres. Woodrow Wilson,  Pablo Picasso, Harry Belafonte, Octavia Spencer, General George Patton, Jules Verne, Alexander Graham Bell, Astronaut Peter Conrad, Neil Smith (footballer), Mark Schlereth (footballer), Frank Gore (footballer), Jeremy Bondsman (baseball),

Famous people with dyspraxia: Daniel Radcliffe, Albert Einstein, Richard Branson

Famous people with dysgraphia: Agatha Christie, Albert Einstein, George Patton, Henry Winkler, Thomas Edison

#Overcomers

What Kind of Fit is Your Kid Having?

One of my favorite authors under the family therapy banner is Dr. Dan Siegel. He has pioneered the concept of "mindsight" and is both informative and funny as he shares his knowledge about how the brain works. His scientifically proven information is useful in everyday parenting and speaks to parents who need facts as well as pictures.

Did you know there is a science to the way our brains process things? Dr. Dan refers to it as the upstairs and downstairs brain. The downstairs brain is where the emotions live. That's where the "fight or flight" reactions exist. We breathe and blink from here without thinking. This part of the brain is with us from birth, but needs the developing upstairs brain to keep us balanced. The upstairs brain is where our logic lives. This includes our ability to plan, evaluate and understand. This part of the brain isn't finished developing until the mid-twenties. During the teen years it's really working overtime (as is the rest of the body).

I've always thought I was a pretty good judge of "fake fits". The kid in Target who gets this glint in their eye and then goes for it. Dr. Dan refers to this as an "upstairs" fit because the child made a conscious decision to try to get their way with you. The good news is that this is the kind of fit you can reason with. As long as you remain unemotional. (Remember neutrality is always your friend when it comes to the tone in your voice.)

But there is another kind of fit where the child is truly out of emotional control. That's the "downstairs" fit. Something has triggered your kiddo and there wasn't time for any regulation with the upstairs brain. BAM! Your kid is full-range out of control. This is not the time where any words will do. In order to let your kid know you are emotionally there for them, meet them emotionally. A hug, a pat, empathetic words. Wait it out. Don't try to introduce logic at this point because it simply will not work. In fact, it is scientifically impossible for it to work.

Living between the upstairs and downstairs brain is this thing called the amygdala. That's the button that gets pushed. Depending on maturity, mental health or history, regulation may not occur. Some of my special needs clients go from 0 to 60 with no emotional in-between. They are unable to recognize an emotion, they merely react and react wildly. We all have things that can push our buttons and start us on the path of blind emotional reaction. When we can talk to ourselves and take note that we have had a button pushed, we can reign ourselves in because we are more self-aware. We can even go ask for a hug.

Our goal as parents is to teach our children to learn to recognize their emotions and develop the ability to regulate their responses. When your child yells "I can't help it, I'm ANGRY!!!" you know they aren't there yet. We have to help our kids to realize that emotions do not rule us. We rule our emotions. That does not mean we stuff them, but it does mean we have a whole sophisticated part of our brain under development that can help us understand them appropriately.

Recognizing that there really are two different kinds of fits was encouraging to me even though that my kids are well beyond that stage now. It helps to be able to reflect on the past and address situations that arise with others now.

The Whole Brain Child by Dr. Dan is full of diagrams and explanations about how the brain works and how you can use your understanding to practically communicate with your kids. In fact, he recommends you teach your children how their brains work - even as toddlers. Worth adding to your library regardless of the age of your kids. And, a biggie in my mind - reader friendly.