Do You Care More About Your Kids' Stuff Than They Do?

Signs that you are too concerned about your child's belongings:

- You can verbally describe each doll outfit
- You routinely arrange or even put away their toys
- You call the babysitter to find out where the hammer to the toy tool bench is

Signs that your child does not care much about their belongings:

- They ask you where "it" is (and you have the answer*)
- They leave toy items lying in piles and only put them away when asked (but don't usually finish)
- They ask for a toy every time to you go to Target (and you buy one, even for chump change)

After I became a mommie, the best present you could ever give me was a gift for my little one. It was a treasure and a pleasure to begin to build their very own belongings. However, as a first-time mom I had all the top three signs. True, she was a baby and needed to be shown how to open her first board book. But did I really need to put the Duplos "just so"? Since truth is being told, I even did Number Three with my second one when he was a toddler. Let's just pretend that was because there was another toddler over that day getting into things.

Yes it is wonderful to lead a little one in exploring life. Since most toys are for their development, no wonder parents and grands go crazy giving them! It is a blessing to see our children enjoying themselves. As the bambinos mature, it is our parental responsibility to teach them the proper care of these personal possessions - and to experience the consequences if the basic rules are not followed.

I am referring to the natural consequences. Reality. If you leave your bike outside in the rain, it might get rusted. Or stolen. If you have a fit while coloring and break your red crayon, it will be shorter and harder to handle. If you cut Barbie's hair, it won't grow back. If you lose one of your playing cards, you won't be able to play that game. If you open a toy with small parts in the car, we won't be able to get the pieces that fell between the seats. There are certain places to play with certain toys, and if you don't follow that you may end up with a teddy bear who no longer growls after he was submerged in the tub.

Some of this is learned naturally, some of it needs to be gently taught. But regardless of how a toy is lost or damaged, please resist the urge to replace it - no matter how beloved. (My one exception would be that one "gotta have it with me" comfort toy, if there is one.) Reality is a great teacher on the road to developing self control. If we replace everything that gets damaged, our children do not learn to be appreciative, careful or thoughtful - they just learn that the magic fairy will make it all better. Again.

When our son was two and three, he believed that scotch tape could "fix" anything. We had numerous "fixed" items for awhile. Like a cracked styrofoam cup. The back wheel on his Rescue Heroes truck. The antena on a remote. After awhile he knew he really wasn't fixing anything, but he sure loved to use that tape!

One of my pre-teen clients recently informed her mother that she wanted a "big girl's room" and wanted to get rid of all her toys. Mom's eyes widened and asked,"Even your Monster High dolls? You just got that house last Christmas!" Even the new Monster High stuff. The girl wanted it all removed so she could "have a cool room". Mom couldn't stop coaching her to reconsider when the three of us sat down on her bedroom floor to sort the piles of dolls, accessories and plastic junk into piles. One pile was designated "keep", the next "give" and the last "sell". Most of her items went into the last two piles, much to mom's fretting. I kept reminding mom that this was her girl's decision, and that was a good thing because she had entirely too many small parts. We had to almost shovel spaces on the floor for us to sit down.

In her sincere desire to love her girl, this mom had come to the conclusion that more stuff was important - but had neglected to teach her child how to manage it. You can see her bedroom floor now, and my young client is thrilled with her room's new look. Mom is still aware of the missing pen cap from the backpack and has even called the principal, but lots of progress has been made.

To all the well-meaning, slightly anal parents out there: take a deep breath. Now is the time for our kids to take responsibility for their stuff. And please do not do them a disservice by overloading them. Less is more becasue they can become more responsible with what they have.



*Cringe. I once heard a 10 -year-old ask her mom where her pink hair bow was. Mom could describe precisely which corner of the dresser and what was next to it.

How Do I Get My Kid to Pick Up Their Stuff?

No parent ever dreamed of the day they would nag their kids to put things away. It doesn't work, anyway so why do we do it? We must've forgotten the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. If you are tired of the sound of your own voice and want your chilibeans (children) to become a tad more responsible, you might like these tried and true tested tips.

Tip #1. Decide ahead of time how much stuff and how much space you have to work with, in addition to your budget. With my first child there was no extra money for much so everything she had was hard won and precious. We are talking about a handful of books, two videos, set of blocks. I just made sure there was something we could use to stimulate each sense and followed that plan. Toys that made loud noises or did the work for the child were not on my wish list. Because I decided I did not want my kids to have overflowing shelves, it was easy for them to see where things went.

Tip #2. Only one category of play things come out at a time. If they are going to color, they don't drive their Matchbox cars around too. The crayons go back before the cars come out. If the Legos are out, the paintbrushes stay put. There is nothing worse that seeing every item from every game and doll mixed together on the floor like some pot luck stew. If your child plays like this it means they have way too much stuff and need to be taught how to use their toys.

Tip #3. Aside from Happy Meal toys, no new items enter the home unless another one leaves. They want a new board game? Which one are they done with or want to donate? Sometimes kids just want to want, not really have. One mom I know takes a picture of her child in the store holding the item they "wanted". They no longer even ask to have it - just to take the picture. If they are still talking
about that item months later, you have a pretty good idea what to get for their birthday.

Tip #4. Resist the idea to over-gift. Sure, you might only buy your kid one thing on their birthday. But what about Grammy and Gramps? More is not better. More is clutter. Your child can only play with one thing at a time anyway. Enlist support from extended family and friends. Establish the one gift policy early on. Even consider no gifts. You and the family could go make a memory at the zoo instead.

Tip #5. Introduce gift-giving as soon as they can warble. Your child can color a picture, paint hand prints or decorate pottery at a very young age. As they mature, you can add more creative gift creations to their list. They can learn to make gifts for siblings, parents, grandparents and teachers. When they are part of the gift giving process they experience the other side of gifts and it encourages them to take care of the gifts they receive. They can also learn to contribute to a gift financially. I had my kids give $10 toward father's day gifts if we weren't making one. They loved being part of that.

After I became a mommie, the best present you could ever give me was a gift for my little one. It was a treasure and a pleasure to begin to build their very own belongings. As the bambinos mature, it is our parental responsibility to teach them the proper care or personal possessions - and to experience the consequences if the basic rules are not followed.

I am referring to the natural consequences. Reality. If you leave your bike outside in the rain, it might get rusted. Or stolen. If you have a fit while coloring and break your red crayon, it will be shorter and harder to handle. If you cut Barbie's hair, it won't grow back. If you lose one of your playing cards, you won't be able to play that game. Follow?

We can add to the above consequences in order to encourage the ever-argued actions of "picking things up". First, take the time to personally demonstrate how to pick up. Don't just say "go clean up your room". That's way too broad. Instead, walk with your darling into their room. Focus on one area at a time starting with a garbage bag.

When I teach parents how to show their kids what "picking up" looks like, I sit with a garbage bag on the floor and have the child pile all the scraps, bits, toys and clutter between us. We throw away small pieces to games or dolls that have no home. We also throw out the water bottle caps, wrinkled art, scraps of yarn. You get it. From there we sort like with like. Cars and trucks go in one tote. Games in another. Art in another. The goal is to see the bedroom floor.

Establish a place for each toy type. From now on, that's where that type of toy goes. No more random here or there. That lack of specificity is why kids become sloppy picker-uppers. If they know that story books are always beside the bed, they aren't going to shove them in with the Legos anymore. If they know all the dress up stuff goes in that tote bag, you aren't going to find a crown jammed in their underwear drawer.

This will take you a chunk of time. But it will reap you many peaceful future moments. Your kids will see, touch and know precisely what the definition of a cleaned room is. Then you can add The Zen Rule. In our house, whatever was being played with had to be picked up by 8:00 p.m. That was the magic hour for me. Backpacks, jackets, shoes. Everything had to be put away and ready for the next day. Anything left out went away. I wouldn't cluck or fret. I just casually walked by the items left out, gathered them up and put them in The Take Away Box. The living area was uncluttered and I could enjoy my own adult time before going to bed.

You can have your kids earn their take-away items back with money like we did, or by drawing a slip of paper out of the Chore Jar and work it off. Anything left in the box for a week meant they really didn't care that much about it and you can sell or donate it depending on what it is. But whatever you do, sail along cheerily. No nagging, reminding or chiding. No talking. And please don't make the Take Away Box part of your interior decorating. The kids and their stuff are not the stars of your home - they are part of your family.

My Top Ten Dork Parenting Moves

If you read this blog, you know that I have two kids born ten years apart. Everything I learned with first-born girl was forgotten by the time second-born boy arrived. Besides that, each gender was completely different so even if I remembered something, it no longer applied.

I am a fierce mama bear out for my kiddos' best interest. With that in mind, here are some things I actually did along the way that I admit for the sake of giving you a good laugh, twitch or wince right along with me.

1. Telling Both Kids I Was Going to Take Them to The Police.
As a novice parent, and then just because it sounded good; I would proclaim a mindless threat if a kiddo was acting up while driving around. "I am going to take you to the Police Station!!!" "No Mommie, no!!! Pleassse." Sobbed both victims of my irrationality. Man do I regret that one.

2. Attempting to Pull Out My Girl's Loose Front Teeth Ahead of Time For a Photo Shoot.
Seriously? Yep. Her front teeth were rather loose. We had that new dress and it was time for the bi-annual photo. Why not rush nature? She never trusted me again with her teeth. I don't blame her. What a dork I was. And no, the teeth were'nt ready to come out yet. Wince.

3. Calling the Babysitter to Find Out Where the Missing Tool Toy Went.
Our two-year old son's favorite thing to play with was his Little Tykes Tool Bench. Made out of plastic, the bench came with assorted plastic tools complete with screws and a tool basket. It was his 2nd birthday gift. I was so anal that one time I came home and noticed the hammer and screw driver were not in their appropriate places so I called the sitter to help me locate them. Argh.

4. Speaking of Being Anal - Washing the Duplos Regularly in the Dishwasher.
Yep that was with my first kiddo. Not only did I do that, I routinely returned every toy and book to their rightful, original place on the toy shelf. With Number Two ten years later, he got to eat off the floor as long as it wasn't a staple.

5. Not Washing My Newborn's Potty Area Because That Stuff Might Be Important.
I knew my mom saved my navel thingie. At the ten-day check up, the pediatrician set me straight. Need I say more? Duh.

6. Scouting and Calling Local McDonalds in Order to Obtain All of The Mulan Happy Meal Toys.
Yep, I admit it. And... when we went there, before we drove off I checked the toy in the bag. One time the toy in there did not match what was described over the phone so I marched back inside. There were 17 Mc Mulan figures possible, and we (I) landed 15. Not bad, huh? #Mulanlove

7. Ziplocks on Steriods.
Whenever I traveled with my firstborn, I packed her complete outfits in ziplock bags. Oh, and let's not forget toys sorted by category! You know... Barbies in one bag, outfits in another. Urp, was I ever a bag lady.

8. Being on Red Alert Too Much With ADHD #2.
This lil guy challenged me with his moter-driven, unsafe and amped bravery. Who knew an 18-month old would hurl himself into a pool during the "Mommy and Me" swim class? Or, scamper to the top-most post at the local park's Climbing Thing? Relax, relax. Stop the panic. He's now a soldier.

9. Using White-Out to Change Words in a Toddler Book.
Yep. Not only did I apply that liquid corrector to the word "stupid", I changed it to "silly" and niftily matched the font with my skinny sharpie. Another time, I glued two pages together so that Count Dracula wouldn't be seen. Yes, yes I can say #overboard. My only defense was that it was with my firstborn. Wait. That's still no defense.

10. Hiding From My Girl In Order to Lick the Brownie Bowl.
Yep. I trained her well. The brownie dough is it! But sometimes, I didn't want to share. So one time when she was three, I got her distracted with Sesame Street and new coloring pages as I was mixing up a yummy batch and while she was coloring away, I took the bowl into the dining room to hide my bowl-licking. Smugly walking back into the kitchen area, unaware of my batter mustache, I was busted. By a three-year-old.

In spite of my dorkiness and blunderheadedness, they survived my mommie growing pains rather well. Just remember, this is only the top ten...

Teaching Kids to Stand Up For Themselves

In the mental health world, that's called "self advocacy". It refers to a child's ability to articulate their needs and not wait for others to spell it out for them. It also refers to a child's ability to verbalize when they are uncomfortable or need help.

When we are teaching our toddlers to make a choice between which apple they want to eat, or which toy they want to play with, we are beginning the process of self-assertion. When we see our toddler yank a toy out of a peer's grasp, we (wince) see another form of self-assertion. When we do not give our toddler the candy they wanted at Target and they begin screaming and kicking, we see yet another form of self-assertion. Some forms of self-assertion are good, even necessary. Other forms of self-assertion are more selfish and require redirection.

Some self-assertion we delight in noticing. Our child has a favorite toy or color. Our child loves a certain song or book. You follow. Other self-assertions are unacceptable. Like being rude to others, or having fits.

Sometimes, I think parents are so focused on making sure their kids behave, I think they forget to pay attention to two other things. One: Thinking that outward "performance" indicates inward comprehension. Two: Overlooking the opportunity to teach kids an appropriate way to voice a disagreement, disappointment or discomfort.

Regarding Number One. If your child does not internalize why certain actions are positive but merely performing to please you, you need to work on their comprehension. If they merely walk through the motions in order not to get in trouble, they won't "own" it and will require supervision and unable to become an independent thinker.  If you think you need to narrate and manage every single moment, you are missing the point in parenting: raising a child to function and thrive on their own.

Number Two: Kids have to learn how to ask for what they need in a direct way. If the bus driver forgets to stop and drop them off, they need to be able to let the driver know that - without fear of repercussion or slumking down out of nervousness because other kids will see and hear. Kids need to be able to ask their non-custodial parent for a coloring book and know that is okay. Kids need to be able to move away from any uncomfortable touch - even if it is that heavilly perfumed Aunt Matilda that you adore. Please don't teach your child to care, hug or kiss on command. Trust their vibe. If they are uncomfortable, that's okay. That sonar may help them in a future dating scenario or worse - an attempted molestation. Just smile at Aunt Matilda, blow her a kiss and pat your kiddo on the shoulder, telling him to go play. Not everybody is a hugger.

The Part Two to Number Two is that kids need to know how to tell another kid to knock it off. That kid who calls them names on the bus. The older neighbor boy who hangs their bike in a tree. That snotty girl who no longer talks to them at lunch. This has to start in elementary school if you are going to have a strong child in middle and high school where bullying is on RedBull.

Practice role-playing. Be calm and matter-of-fact. If you are anxious or worried, they don't need to know about it. Encourage your child how to ask for help. How to say no. Help your child to understand that they do not have to let anyone treat them unacceptably. Teach them how to see what is okay and what is not okay. Most importantly, coach your darlings to realize that bullies do not speak or act on truth and that nothing the bully does reflects on any of their personal value. Not. One. Iota.  And when they come home and tell you how they handled something well, make the biggest deal in the world and affirm their socks off.

My goal for my kids has been to regard others with dignity while standing up for themselves respectfully - unless the situation would escalate toward harm. Then the rules don't apply - it's safety first.

Why I Hate School Buses

In all my parenting years, and years as a parent educator and consultant, I have never heard one positive thing about school bus rides. Not from any kids. Not from any parents.

I have heard tale upon tale about what a negative experience for children a ride on the school bus has become.

Let's think about it. For two large chunks of your child's time away from you each school day, they are sitting ducks in a large vehicle that doesn't use seatbelts and the only adult anywhere around is
busy driving the bus! Each standard North American school bus has a maximum capacity of 72 passengers. Where have you ever seen one adult responsible for the safety of 72 children?

In Sunday School settings, the ratio of adults to kids for a kindergarten class is 2:10. Each adult focuses on 5 kids. By the time kids are in middle elementary grades, there would be 2:16. Study after study has shown that no one adult can effectively teach/impact/relate to more than 8 kids at a time. So what in the world are we doing to our children by squishing them into bus seats like little sardines?

We are throwing them into a tin tank to fend for themselves. That one bus driver can't possibly see everything going on, and often there are no enforced standard expectatoins. Kids tell me there is a difference between the morning driver and the afternoon driver. Sometimes buses include an age range from K all the way to 12th grade. Once kids learn that the driver is not going to enforce calm, respectful behavior they hurl themselves into seeing how much they can get away with. One child recently told me another child was "giving her the finger", hitting, kicking and pulling her hair. The driver did not see it.

Another child told me that due to a bus driver's resignation, her bus combined their route with the vacant bus's and there are now three children per seat! If there are 18 row of six kids, that means 108 kids are under the care of just one adult. This child tells me she is regularly bullied every afternoon.

If your child has had a good day at school and might be eager to tell you (or show you) all about it, that warm feeling can be heavilly dampened by a bad experience on the ride home. Even if they aren't the kid getting bullied, they are aware of it. And if they have a driver that doesn't control the volume level, they hear it.

And what if they have an absurdly long bus ride? We lived on the edge of town and were the first pick up but the last drop off. That meant our second grader got off the bus at 5:00 p.m. when school let out at 3:40. In the winter, it was literally dark when he came home. Once we realized this, we tried as often as possible to be at school to drive him home instead.

Later we switched to a nearby charter school that the district provided busing for. The only problem was it took three different buses to get him there. So I became one of the moms in the parking lot picking him up. Today, the pick up line at that school winds its way beyond the parking lot and way down the street. More and more parents are limiting their child's exposure to other unsupervized kids.
In our lives, the bus became an emergency back up. Nothing beats the conversations while you are driving with your kids. It is valuable time redeemed.

In my perfect world, there would be at least two other adults on each bus sitting 36 kids apart. I would play calm, classical music and assign seats. There would be zero tolerance for the smallest twitch and serious consequences - including a behavior class - that followed.

Give your child a blessing by being the first face they see after a long day at school, you won't be sorry for that special time, ever. And if you learn that your child is one of the bullies, come down hard on them and insist they make apologies immediately. Forget being defensive, character is at stake.

It's Never Over For Your Kids

I'm talking about divorce. For the parents, there's a final decree and the court date. Boom, marraige over. The notarized paper says so. As time marches on, hopefully each one comes to terms with the end of the union and works through their pain/anger/grief and aquisition of a new toaster or table. It's over for parents.

Not for the kids. The court date didn't draw a line for them. It's not something they get over, because they are the victims of its ongoing consequences. The divorce remains present tense for the kids. Forever.

If you are a spouse, you can say you were once married to someone who (fill in the blank) and you don't have to deal with that anymore. You can move on. The kids don't see it like that. Even the most ugly marraiges aren't viewed through an adult lens.

These are just kids. They have to live with a dead family that now exists in fragments in multiple locations. Their "space" changes as they shuttle back and forth between two households - maybe more if grandparents are in the mix, too. The rules and vibes change, too. Perhaps one parent is more consistent and one more laid back? Maybe one spends more money? They might be in the shaddows, observing mom or dad (or both) dating. The dates might have their own kids. Each parent might marry again. There could even be a new little brother or sister in one household, not to mention any kids that came with the new spouse. Can you imagine what that does to their birth order? The new baby gets to live with dad full time, but they don't. Can you imaging what that does to their self-worth? They are a  part-time kid now. Sob.

On a more petty level, they have stuff spread out between locations, and the way the parents regard the stuff impacts their daily life. "No, you cannot bring that item to your mother's. It stays here." What if they liked the thing 7 days a week, not just weekends? Too bad. Not now.

Worse, what if the parents can't co-parent and do not value the fact that their sperm and egg caused their child into being? The biological role cannot be erased as simply as a marraige license. Mom is mom, Dad is dad. Each parent should strive to communicate objectively with the other because they are still parents. The change is that when they parent now, they aren't together locationally. But they can and should be together - on the same page - as co-parents. It should not be about trying to control the other parent's home life, or sabbotage a relationship or play mean. That gig is at the expense of the child.

My ex used to steal our daughter's coats. In a seven-month period, 5 coats went away. I would send her dressed weather-appropriately and she would come home without a coat or jacket. The first few times it happened, I would call and ask to have him bring back the coat next time. His standard reply was "what coat? I don't have it". Initially I tried to reason and say "yes you do, it was on her when you picked her up". But my descriptions and reminders fell on passive-agressive ears. "I don't have it." The first coat was a nice one, the next coat was one she was growing out of. When I realized he was trying to control me by bothering me, I shut up and sent her in hand-me-down jackets until I ran out. Then I stopped sending her in a coat, period. At just five years old, she was well aware that her father was trying to jerk us around.  If she got cold, she could tell him. I was done engaging.

Our daughter, however, was taught that daddy didn't care about her basic well-being. Bad move on his part. She even stopped bringing him things from school to show him. That still stabs my heart thinking of that this many years later. The earnest little face that wanted her father's affection and approval became determined and savvy at an age when she should have only had to think about what outfit to put on Barbie. But she had to step up to care for herself when she was with him - because he wasn't. The guy who sneered feidishly at me and tried other such manouvers to "get me" failed to make me anxious or worried. He succeeded in damaging the heart of his developing little girl all because he placed a higher value on lashing out than he did in co-parenting.

When she would tell me what he had done or not done, I would empathize and say :"Oh Honey, I am sooo sorry he chose to do that. Come have a hug."  When she would ask me why he would do that, my reply was similar: "I don't know why he would choose that. Let's pray for him to be the best daddy." While I would vent to my friends, I did not disparaiage her father in front of her. I encouraged her to love him because he was her dad, beast that he was. Kids want permission to love both parents. Give it.

You may be in a horror movie of a marraige. (I sure was.) But that ended a long time ago. He died the year after the divorce was final. There were pieces to process and therapy to work on, but it's long over. The hell is over. For me. For our daughter? She is still a child of divorce who lost her home and lifestyle. Her mom returned to work to support them and she learned about before and after school daycare in additon to packing a little suitcase every other weekend. Her parents were in different houses.

How do small children process such drastic changes? Today there are some great support groups for parents and kids. The one I really like is national: Divorce Care 4 Kids. It helps them deal with their divorce at age appropriate levels. When I was divorced, there were support groups for adults but kids weren't addressed. If you are going through a divorce, please take advantage of a group for your kiddoes. They need to be able to express their feelings with other kids who know what it's like. It is even more critical if you have to live with game-playing or lack of parenting from the other parent.

Another great tool for sharing information about the kids neutrally is an internet based tool called Our Family Wizard.  Parents can share schedules, visits and parenting plans not to mention journal, log expenses and e-mail. This gem is worth the $99 annual subscription. www.ourfamilywizard.com

Telling our kids they did not cause the divorce and that mom and dad will always love them isn't enough. We need to act like it by living it out. As hard as it is for a parent to go through a divorce, be sure you try to look at it through your child's eyes. Twenty years from now, they are the ones who will have to figure out which house to go to for Thanksgiving, not you.

Happy Birthday, Baby

Going viral this week is the email from parents of a little boy about to turn one listing things "he wants" for his first birthday. Complete with links to the resource sites, the parents school the recipients with the do's and don't for gifting to their child.

No more than two gifts per family. Only the gifts on the list will do. These are the things he wants.  All gifts must be accompanied by a receipt because they may have to return. The Receipt Rule applies now and evermore. No personalized items, that is kidnap-worthy. Only the Cheerio book for now as he has 35 more books in storage. If you have a question about a gift, call first as one may already be in storage. Oh, and by the way there is another approved list for the family so that there will be no duplicates.

No please, no thank you. Just instructions so tedious they rival the tax code.

Obviously, these are first timers. No one-year-old on the planet knows it's their birthday much less what they want for gifts! They state that "he hates" when they read to him right now. Hmmm. Depends on how they are doing it. That's not the book's fault. Bet the kid hates their (lack of) method. Thinking that their kid's birthday is a big deal for the world is another clue.

Not only are these people wimpy first-timers, they are greedy and materialistic. The email complained about the cost of formula, while mentioning all the things in storage. Storage? They have so much stuff it all can't fit in the same place and there are items waiting for when the kid turns three??

That poor little guy. He doesn't stand a chance for turning out to be a solid citizen. Not with his parents and family focusing on stuff and lists and rules. He's not gonna get to learn how to say "thank you" for a surprise (it has to be on the list, remember) or thoughfulness. He's not even gonna know what being thoughtful is. Instead, he's gonna wade through stuff and have so many material items orchestrated for his supposed "development" he will become dependent, uncreative, self-centered and demanding. Good job, first-timers. Good job!

Doesn't the world need more myopic people who only care for themselves and are so self-absorbed they truly believe they need to manage every detail because then things will surely turn out right?

You don't need any money to celebrate the anniversary of your baby's birth. You may want to shout it to the world, but please if you do, no emails ordering the guests to select from your pre-approved list.

Here's hoping this email was a belated April Fool. If not, then by all means bring the kid anything you like if you really want to hang around such self-absorbed people. Not me. I can't be in the same room when people are wrecking a perfectly fine kid.