No! No Nothing!

Recently I was checking out at Target, and a frustrated mom behind me was attempting to control her two kids. A boy about 7 and a girl about 5 is my age guess.

As they plopped down the sale Halloween costume behind me, an excited brother began hugging and lifting his giggling sister. They were moving a bit and gently bumped into me, but it was all sibling silliness so I grinned. Mom on the other hand would have none of this. "No!" She scolded." No! Stop that! That is inappropriate. No! Don't touch each other!!!"

The kids untagled themselves and began doing other normal sibling things as they waited in line. Again I hear mom say, "No! No! No stop that, don't do that!" Followed by the ultimate command, "NO talking!"

Of course that didn't stop the (minimal) chatter or the giggles from her kids. As the cashier finished bagging my groceries, we heard mom utter "no" at least another dozen times. The kids were never loud nor did they leave their mom's bubble. They remained smiling and upbeat but mom was stern and throwing out "no-bombs" every other breath.

The kids were not defiant or bratty. They were just kids. Kids move and kids chatter. Mom has already used up her lifetime clout for the word "no" and neither one of them is any where near the teen years. By over-using and misapplying this word, the kids have become desensitized to it. And sadly, they don't respect their mother because of it. Now she is the fun-buster who continues to show them that she doesn't understand kids and wants to control every aspect of their lives - including how they stand in line.

Parents - please do teach your children how to stand in line by not intruding on other's body space or touching goods for sale you aren't buying. Please do teach your children to stand near you and use quiet voices. And please, please please teach your children that in North America when you walk store aisles you do so on the right and do not block other customers. But there is no need to order your children to stand completely still and not utter a peep. What's next? Telling them what to think?

And, when you teach them you demonstrate and use simple words in a pleasant tone.  You say "We stand like this in line" or "We only touch things we are buying" or "Thanks for standing near me". We don't start anything with the word "No" unless their life is at risk. Yes, we can answer a request with the word no, that's different that starting a sentence with it - especially one we are using to train our kids.

Remember to use age-appropriate phrases in a tone expecting they will comply. When you show the level of your frustration, you invite them to test you by continuing. A gently phrased statement works wonders. All this mom needed to do was say, "We are keeping our arms to ourselves. Tommy will you come next to me please?" That interrupts the antsy behavior and reduces the possibility of escalation. She could even ruffle his hair with a loving gesture when he complied.

If the kids were those terrors we often see, mom should leave the store and the costume behind, simply telling the cashier she is sorry her kids were being disrespectful and there would be no shopping today. The drive home should be silent. No ranting. And the next time mom goes to the store, the kids do not have the privelidge of coming along.

Everywhere you go is an opportunity to model behavior and teach your children how to be a pleasant citzen. But they don't need lectures, and they don't need to be micromanaged. No, they don't.