When Mother's Day is Hard to Celebrate

The weeks leading up to Mother's Day bombard us wherever we go with gift ideas. The cards. The obligatory flowers. The last-minute gift ideas. The brunch reservations. On the radio, we hear the count down until the big day when we honor our mothers. If you are married, you may have a scheduling challenge regarding which mom to see and when. If you are in your own family, you have to remember to include your self. Mother's Day is such a big day in North America that many realtors forgo open houses this day because the focus is on the moms.

But what if you can't celebrate your mom because she is no longer alive? What if you can't celebrate her because she lives across the country? What if you can't celebrate her because you are currently in a fight? Or what if you can't celebrate her because she never nurtured you in the first place?  What if the desire of your heart is to be a mother yourself and it looks like that might not ever happen? For these and many other reasons I have not thought of, sometimes Mother's Day can be a very painful day for some.

So what do we do? If we are among the ones able to celebrate their mothers, we can be grateful we are in that position, keeping in mind that many others are not so fortunate. We can also remove the casual query in our social chit-chat about what someone else is doing on that day. If we know someone hurting about their mother, we could invite them do some activity the day before to create a different memory. We could even invite "mothers day orphans" over on mother's day if that works with the family dynamics. If your husband doesn't honor you, you can teach your kids how to make mother's day pancakes yourself and have fun.

If we are are in the category of those who don't value their mothers - or maybe just in a fight - there are some objective things we can do so that our hurt or anger abates. First of all, remember that your mother came to who she was honestly - based on her own life experiences and how she experienced her mother. Some of our moms just don't have the extra "mom" finesse because of their history. It's no excuse, but it is a reason why they are/were who they are/were. Go back the generation before your mother. What was her mother's mother like? Many mothers of large families simply had no time with heavy duties of running a family, possibly even as a single parent.

If your mother doesn't behave the way that you would like, can you respect her opinions and viewpoints apart from yours even if they don't line up? It's what she thinks. And how she thinks is shaped by how she was treated growing up. If no one nurtured her and she didn't know that should be included in mothering, how can you expect to be cuddled now? I am simply pointing out that I believe people do the best they can with what they have in a given situation. I don't think they are looking to hurt you specifically, unless there is some pathology.

If you are dealing with mental illness or addiction or criminal activity, the same thing goes. There are reasons why people do or say things that explain the why. It's when we put our expectations on others that we get into trouble. Your mother may only be able to give you the bit you got. You may wish it was more, and that's okey to wish. But to live expecting it year after year when she is just not able only sets you up for hurt and anger. Grieve what you didn't get. Let go of the fact you weren't her favorite. And then use your healing to give that to others in spite of your loss. Have you found an honorary mother to share your life? You can be one to someone else, too. And don't forget by giving what you didn't get to your own kids breaks the cycle.

If you happen to be one of those who is just pissed off at your mother and have shut her out of your life, think calmly about your reasons. Did she do something evil to you? To anyone? Is whatever you are angry about even your business? If you have a mom reaching out to you and you ignore her without informing her why, then the shame goes on you for attempting to hold some power trip over her. If you have explained why you can't be in her life clearly (and it makes rational sense), then that's a different story. Just make sure you aren't creating a wall for the wrong reason, and that you got all the information directly. This is not the time to base your actions on someone else's words. Try as you might, you will always know who your mother is, so you really can't erase her.

You have come to your understanding of self and world as a result of your unique life experiences. Holding a grudge will never make you a better person. Each thing you attempt to do until you get things set up correctly in the forgiveness department will be tainted in some degree if you have any moral character. If you are one of the true motherless people, may your day be filled with tender memories. Search those memory banks and see if you can't find a couple. Most moms truly are on a sweet, clumsy path to do their simple best for their babies. Have you thought about that?

Did Harvey Weinstein's Parents Have "The Talk" With Him?

When is it time to have "The Talk" with your kids? Bet you can't guess my answer. Unless you've met me.

My answer is NEVER.

Whaaaat? That's because there isn't just one talk, one time. It's an ongoing series of phrases laced together over the years the minute you first hold your little creation and it's based upon your relationship. Let me repeat that last part: based upon your relationship.

If your relationship consists of ordering your child around, don't expect your 12-year-old to open up to you with questions. Same goes if you have not been available or you've been violent. If you have shown your child you listen to them and treat them valuably (oh and for sure discipline) along the way, you'll have earned the platform to continue conversation during what I arguably believe to be the most difficult years of a person's life - middle and high school.

Their bodies are transforming rapidly. Their brains are growing (and don't stop until the late 20s). They are moving from concrete to abstract thinking. And on top of all of this, they are awkward and tired and have media images shoved in their electronic faces telling them they ought to look a whole lot different than they really do. It is a naturally confusing time. Being forgetful comes with the territory. I visibly wince when someone complains about a "lazy teenager" to me. Or puts any label with a lift of the eyebrow on kids that age. This is a tough time developmentally even before you factor in their unique life circumstances.

In order to get ready for that time, you start at birth or in the womb if you are a prayer-bear like me. You nurture, ooh and ahh and set up guidelines to keep them safe. As they grow, you grow. You add more words to your chats. Let your little tot know the proper names for each part of the body. Say them matter-of-factly as you are dressing them and act calm. You may need to practice saying some words ahead of time if you have been accustomed to thinking some words are awkward. This is just information, folks.

Don't worry about the how-to's too early. There are a number of great books parents can read along with their kids if you want to. Maybe as tweens? But covering the basics early on is just fine. And I like to add stories like "when I was pregnant with you I loved to eat ice cream" or "when you were an itty bitty, you couldn't lift up your head" to personalize the developmental journey. As a Christian, I emphasized how this all comes from God's plan to know people. Things like menstrual cycles and nocturnal emissions are bodily functions to learn about. Not a bad idea to start having your sons wash their own sheets around age 11, moms.

Getting back to my point. Talking to your kids about sex isn't a one-time event. And it shouldn't start in school. It isn't "gross" or "embarrassing" unless you treat it that way. I believe the more conversational and informational parents can be (without lecturing, folks) the more competent kids will become in thinking about how they use their growing bodies.

If they don't grow up with shame, perhaps they will become ladies and gentlemen in society rather than those committing acts on others contributing to the current #MeToo movement? As parents, we can help our kids frame how to think about sex and think of others in respectful ways. Ignoring this responsibility only allows for kids to think things up alone and in this area, guidance is needed to lead healthy and productive lives.

Taking Your Kids To Starbucks

Right now I am sitting behind a mom with three boys under the age of six. When they came in, I grimaced. I had specifically gone to a different Starbucks in order to disappear into my work uninterrupted and in came chattering backpacks bigger than the boys. The backpacks meant they were going to be here for awhile. Did I remember to bring my earbuds??

The first clue that this was going to be different was when I saw the oldest boy carrying all three hot chocolates across the room for his brothers. He held two in one hand just like a server. Mom had walked over to the garbage can and joined him on his way back to the table. She smiled and said calmly, "Oh you got them all??!! Nice." No rush to to grab them because he might spill. Just proud affirmation of his thoughtfulness.

They started to unpack their backpacks. The oldest had some homework worksheets that mom quickly encouraged him to work on while busying the other two with a separate activity. It's been nearly an hour now, and I haven't needed to insulate myself with Pandora. The entire gang has been pleasantly-and-volume-appropriately-occupied at their table. None of the other Starbucks patrons sitting at their screens has even looked up. I want to applaud!!

In fact, the pleasant chatter and sweet "Mommy's" are better music. They aren't fighting for attention or whining. Each one is being validated by Mom and she measures her attention back and forth. Just now she gave an assignment for the oldest to read to the middle one while she took the youngest to the Loo.

Why does this situation work so smoothly? Easy. Mom is utterly focused on her babies and she isn't trying to do anything else.

The kids can be addressed as a group with side bars for a specific child. The boys clearly behave as if they belong in a nurtured group. So impressive.

The other big thing that puts a smile on my face is that mom is doing a Bible Study with the boys. It's age-appropriate and interactive. They chat happily with each other about favorite colors as they mention what happened that week. This is priceless.

"Yup"

"There you go"

"Where is...."

"Okay"

"What would I do first?"

No correcting words are used - just redirection.

You can tell that this style of parenting is the norm for these children. And they know that they are safe and cared for. Valued but not doted on. Mom maintains a sweet, non-anxious presence.

I wish I could say I saw this scenario often, but I really don't. Usually the mom is on her smart phone and the kids are fending for themselves. They might be sitting together, but there is no interaction. Unless of course they get loud, then two moms out of ten will speak up while keeping her attention affixed to her precious communication device.

In the psychology world, the sweet Starbucks mom was "fully present". Here's a decaf toast to all the caregivers out there who take the time to really be there for their kids. The investment is priceless.

The P.O.D.

This stands for Parent on Duty. It was the code word my husband and I used in front of our children to indicate the need for the cavalry to take over.

I can honestly say our kids never saw us argue about parenting in front of them. (Although we argued about other important things such as why didn't he use the parking place I had identified.) In front of the kids, we did not want them to hear some of the thoughts running through our heads like:

• I can't take this anymore
• Please help me
• I need to leave the house
• I'm exhausted from arguing with them
• I'm beat to _______
• I'm going crazy
• You won't believe what I've been dealing with
• This will take both of us to handle

Rather than articulate reality, we created our simple S.O.S. code and sweetly conjured up a valium-esque smile and would say, "Will you be the P.O.D.?" or sometimes just "P.O.D!!!"

We used this code only when necessary. So when the question was asked, neither one of us balked. It was time to roll up our sleeves and step in. Right away.

Sometimes, the request would be "I need you to be the P.O.D. tomorrow night because I have a meeting." Or, "I need a bath." Neither one of us questioned the other's need for support. We just stepped in, allowing the harried spouse to go breathe for awhile.

Our youngest could have charged batteries for the Everyready corporation with his level of constant energy, so he was most frequently dual P.O.D'd. 

P.O.D. was used to deal with the momentary parenting issues when you need extra arms and legs, velcro or duct tape and a flare. Bathing, eating or playing with toys was not included. Putting your child back in the stroller every time you paused was. Or trying to catch them at the playground when it's time to go home. Or when they have decided they can't hear your voice any longer. Or when you changed the last diaper.

We haven't used this phrase in years. It faded from our vocabulary the taller and more adept with life skills they became.  I chuckle now as I reflect on how that silly code brought us together as a parenting team and how supported we each felt. All we had to do was ask. In code.

The Little Boy at Starbucks

If you read much form me, you know that Starbucks is my office. In fact, I have a chain of them to select from. For the mere price of a decaf mocha, I can and have sat for hours bent over a book or my laptop enjoying a pleasant atmosphere where I can focus away from home. Yesterday was no exception.

When I arrived, there was only one table occupied in the entire location. On one side sat a woman with her laptop screen open, papers and her phone resting at the side. She was intent on the screen's information. Across from her sat a little boy no more than seven years old. He was dressed in a striped T-shirt reminiscent of the 70s and neatly combed hair. A backpack hung on the back of his chair as he crouched over a hand-held electronic item. I surmised this was a mother and son and she needed to take him with her while she worked, so she took her laptop to Starbucks instead of the office.

They had been there awhile before I arrived. I say this because their belongings appeared to be well-established and they were settled. Empty drink cups sat on the table. I was there four hours. They left thirty minutes before I did. Not once did I see that boy move from his chair or hear him speak. The woman took a few phone calls but did not leave her chair, either. At one point when I went to order another drink, he appeared slumped over the table so I thought he fell asleep. Nope. He had just found a way to rest his forehead on the table and play the game from his lap.

I did not hear a word from either of them as they packed up for the day. The woman did not break a smile and appeared lost in thought. The little boy was non-reactive and appeared as if he was used to going places with her and occupying himself.

Upon first seeing them, I thought it was a mom-and-son-day and they were just hanging out together. When mom kept her focus on her laptop screen and he didn't speak, I thought it was mom-didn't-have-anyone-to-watch-her-son-while-she-worked-day. When I kept seeing the boy stay in his chair, I thought it was the-most-compliant-boy-in-the-world-day, coupled with neither-of-my-kids-would-have-ever-sat-3-minutes-silently-across-from-me-day. At the end of these occasional observations, I decided it was #sadface-little-boy-at-starbucks-day.

Why a sad face? Because that little boy spent at least half of a business day with beautiful summer weather lighting up the windows sitting in a chair alone. Sure, his mom was across from him. But only physically. Mentally she was computing, managing and planning. Even when they packed up, she did not notice him much less make a big deal about how much she was able to get done that they could now go get some ice cream and run at the park. Sure. She might have said that in the car. But in my not to be humble opinion, she missed her moment. That was one tired little boy. His eyes had been zombieing on a small electronic screen for hours. He had not spoken. No one had spoken to him. Mom might have felt like she had gotten a lot done, but that little boy was on empty. He needed instant affirmation.

Yes, I know what it is like to be a working mom with no one to watch my kids while having to face deadlines. Yes, my kids have "had" to come along with me from time to time. The difference was that they got attention, praise and eye contact. They did not have to sit quietly. I allowed myself to be interrupted by them. This mom might have had a drop-dead piece of work to complete. She did look awfully serious. But I still contend she could have smiled at her boy from time to time and hugged him once they stood up. And she should have enthusiastically praised his socks off. Video games aren't that fun for that long. Another suggestion? She could have made sure he had brought a variety of items to use and coached him to change focus now and then. And a wink across the top of her computer screen? Priceless.

Working parents: please don't forget that your little boy at Starbucks is a little human being with thoughts and feelings all his own. Just because he can sit there quietly doesn't mean he doesn't have something to say. Your facial expressions and words mean far more than you think. That was his day as much as it was yours.

Parenting Information Overload

The other day I was sitting with a toddler mom who shared a concern she and her friends had that they were missing developmental teaching moments as they learned the ropes of motherhood. They didn't know how to guard against that and spent more time anxious and chastising themselves.

I couldn't help but wonder if - in their quest to provide such perfect experiences with their wee ones - their angst overrode any of the fun or joy. It wasn't so long ago (in my heart) that I was one of those wide-eyed moms hoping to do parental justice on behalf of her own little baby. My mom was no longer alive, so I entered the role with a significant wisdom handicap.

Not only didn't I have a mom, my family was practically nonexistent. That's what happens when your parents are both only children and you move across the country. Here I am in a new city 2 months from the big day having no idea what to do, much less purchase in order to get the nursery ready. So, I decided to create a survey from the three baby books I had devoured that told me what items I simply had to have on hand at birth. Things like numbers of diapers, burp cloths, onesies, t-shirts, sheets, bottles, etc. I took this differing information and made a chart. From that chart I computed averages. Armed with that, I went shopping at the nearby outlet mall with a new also-expectant friend. It was hard for her to keep her eyebrows at a reasonable latitude when I brought out my list. But at that point, my list was my wisdom since I didn't have anyone in the flesh to ask. I stuck to my averages and bought my items, and discovered as time went along that not every baby needs 24 burp cloths.

I am happy to tell you not only did my first baby survive my mothering, so did my second! In fact, we all thrived. With a ten-year gap in-between, I had to re-buy and learn things all over again. And the second time I even did it without a survey much less any baby books telling me what to do or expect. They don't "need" all of the things advertised. It all depends on your lifestyle and baby. I tried that sling wrap thing that I admired other moms wearing. My baby hung out upside down and screeched.

The difference between me before the birth of my first and the birth of my second blessing? Confidence. I learned early on with baby #1 that I knew more that I thought I did once I paused to think for myself and not follow like a sheep. Initially I linked up with a number of mommy groups. But I wasn't a robot and I sucked at legalism. I wasn't about to wake up my sleeping baby to feed her just to maintain a schedule or change what was sure to be a wet diaper. Sleep is good. From this experience I learned to find my own mommie voice and discover what worked for my baby in my household. I survived the whole comparison of ability thing by chirping out ignorant feats to distract those anxious moms and gently removed myself from those weekly shame-a-thons.

As I grew in my own new discoveries, my baby was right there with me. Sometimes we learned together. Like what it was like to go to the store and have a volcanic breastmilk eruption down the front of my shirt. Or what it was like to check a baby in while I went to church. Or change pooped out clothes using your car's trunk. The longer I was a mommie, the more of an expert on my kid I became. Seeing how their minds and bodies worked prompted me to naturally do things that books now tell you to tap into your smart phone as a reminder.

When they are sitting on your lap as you read a book, don't turn the page to continue the narrative if you see your baby is more interested in pointing things out. How easy is it for us to ask them questions? What is that? Why do you think that's there? What do you think will happen next?

These guys are learning every second of every day. No wonder they need naps or get cranky! Constant intake is overwhelming. Everything you do with your toddler is an adventure, so don't think you even have to leave your yard. It's a big deal to them even if it isn't to you. Just stay off social media and be fully present with your child. Your time with them is more precious than the thing you think you have to hurry up and do.

One of the most soothing memories I have is taking my young son's hand (and having to lean low toward his shortness) as he toddled his way through the grocery store parking lot. All of the rush-zip-boom-ba whooshed out of my body as I experienced one careful step after the other right along with him.

I learned I knew more than I thought when I gave myself some credit. I also stopped flooding my mind with every possible parenting book and theory. Find one theory that works for you and you're set. Mine was Dr. Kevin Leman's reality discipline.Your role is to help your child learn from reality - not to scold, nag or warn. You teach calmly. I've taught this theory to hundreds of families and when it is used correctly, it's simple, effective and fun. The biggest downfall is the parental urge to nag and narrate "I told you so, see?" or any other such useless verbiage your kid translates to blah-blah-blah anyway.

There's a reason it takes 18 years to launch your kid, so please relax those clenched muscles, take a deep breath and enjoy it step by step.

What's In That Easter Basket?

There are four times a year I especially hate shopping in big box stores: Valentines, Easter, Halloween and Christmas. That's because the buffet of merchandise thrust in our periphery forces us to think about that next holiday coming up in... three months.

Forget about how they rush time on us. What about the sea of items dangled in front of our children enticing us to think we ought to buy? Our senses are accosted with stuffed, plastic, candied nothings. Wastes of money, all of it. Not one of the plastic toys will last a few days. The confetti paper will clog the vacuum and the candy-shaped items are insipid.

All this does is teach our children to become good consumers with poor taste. Especially when a recent kid movie is tied in to the holiday with their own low quality merchandise.

Parents: there is more to talking with your kids than asking them if they like their Smurf hat. There is more to any holiday than getting stuff. There is more to life than following what the marketers want you to waste your money on. Especially if you are on subsidy. Rather than bemoan what you can't afford, teach your children all of this junk is out there to tease people into wasting money.

Any holiday can be celebrated as a family without a monogramed pail, yard sign or special toothpaste. The big box retailers have successfully assisted in watering down North American events by having a special napkin we'd better buy or we won't be celebrating correctly. What happened to making your own paper ornaments? Baking together - not from the kit sold in the store?? Reading or acting out an event? Creating a memory does not cost a cent, folks. Don't be fooled by the ads you see. They are just doing their job - to get you to think you need their stuff in order to make your holiday happy.

When my kids were preschoolers, I taught them that commercials and ads were there to trick people. Their job was to make us think we had to "have more, need more or want more". Initially they both told me that couldn't be true, because it was on TV! But I was relentless. Even their beloved TV that played their special shows or DVDs existed for the very same reason. They began to learn that everyone who speaks isn't necessarily speaking truth, and slowly they began to realize things for themselves. It didn't take too many intentionally purchased dollar toys for them to see how quickly they broke. And before they hit the double digits, both began to think about saving money for something made better and longer lasting.

Our Easter baskets reflected fun, of course. But they also pointed toward the real reason we celebrate Easter in the first place - the gift of forgiveness and eternal life by Jesus Christ's death and resurrection. Yes there was a bit of candy, but there was also a book or DVD to reinforce what we were teaching about godly character. After I realized how cheap baskets broke and other baskets added to the clutter, I used the same two baskets year after year. They came out the night before Easter and went back in a closet the day after.

I resolved not to follow the commercialism that multiplies generationally. It gets harder and harder, doesn't it? As parents, we get to choose what our kids are taught. If you don't want your kids focused on getting things - especially poorly made things that mess up your house - you can take a refreshing stand. Use the mind you have that the advertisers are trying to dull.

I like to imagine what it was like 100 years ago before so many more material goods developed. The meaning of the event was the point - not the stuff around it.

#Nostalgic