Ten Big Things I Want My Kids to Learn By Age 10

1. How to Wait
Wait their turn. Wait for an activity to occur. Wait for their birthday. Not everything is for them, and not everything is instant. Waiting with a calm attitude is a good step in maturity. Some day, they will be driving and get a red light. We don't need any more road rage episodes. Ever.

2. How to Begin to Process Life OBJECTIVELY
This means to see things from an open perspective - an overview of the situation. Imagine climbing up a step ladder to observe the lay of the land. It is the opposite of using binoculars and having a limited focus. Too few people actually do this - usually we see people operating out of their specific interests or needs. Just because one is gluten-free doesn't mean they can't sit down with someone who isn't. Everything isn't supposed to be just about us.

3. How to Observe - Be Safe
When out in public, we need to be aware of what is happening around us without looking like we are looking around. The unsavory types are watching for people who appear lost, uncertain or distracted. Teach your kids how to walk with purpose, where to put their wallets and how to hold a backpack. We had a family code word I used when I thought we needed to become more alert and pick up the pace. Please teach this calmly and use an upbeat tone. This is "just in case".

4. How to Use Their Manners
Manners? That's a foreign concept in North America now. Just because it's a rarity doesn't mean our kids should skip them. Teach them how to say "Please" and "Thank You" (especially in their jobs as cashiers!!), make eye contact, smile and greet others. Teach them how to walk down the side of a grocery store aisle - not the middle. Introduce them to the phrase "Excuse Me" and to use a quiet speaking voice when in a restaurant. Oh, and please find a table manners tutorial on YouTube. Elbows on the table and fingers doubling as food-shovels are absolute no-no's.

5. How to Own Their Stuff
There is a proper way to care for our belongings and it doesn't include parents. If your child's possessions mean more to you than to them, you will know they don't have the appreciation, much less the comprehension of what it means to own something. Resist the urge to replace an item your child might have been careless with that got ruined. If those beads really mean that much, they should not remain on the dining room table waiting for a magic fairy to pick them up.

6. How to Admit When They Are Wrong
When they make a mistake or do something wrong, our kids need to realize they did and admit it. Then they need to apologize and/or make amends. Don't let them get away with insisting they did not hit their baby brother when you actually saw them in action. A kid that gets away with that won't be a very mature spouse or employee. There's nothing wrong with being wrong - unless you can't admit it.

7. How to Follow God
Hopefully you are praying for them from the womb. If not, it's never too late for either one of you. Attend a church that puts families as the highest priority and has strong kids and youth programs. Regularly pray as a family and live the same on Monday-Saturday as you do on Sunday. They are watching and listening - and not just when you're ready to give a great speech.

8. How to Write a Paragraph Correctly
Thanks to our 140-character social media world, writing complete thoughts with accurate spelling is not a necessity. Penmanship has been replaced by Times New Roman font. Our kids need to know how to organize ideas and create supporting sentences that don't all begin with "The".

9. How to Shop For and Cook Healthy Meals
Use your trips to the grocery store as a means to teach math and logic in addition to healthy food selection. Involve them as you make your list and check for ingredients at home before you go. Have them help you find the best deals and the cereal with the least amount of sugar. Teach them how the store is laid out - explain that most of the healthy items are around the perimeter. Explain why the toys and candy are next to the cashier for a reason: impulse buys for whiny kids.

10. How to Clean
By age 10, your child know how to sort, wash and fold their own laundry including bedding. When you pleasantly explain to your son that if he washes his own sheets he won't have to feel awkward about any nocturnal emissions he will buy in right away. Kids should also know how to fill, empty and run a dishwasher as well as hand wash pots and pans. Counters, floors and mirrors should also be covered and by this age most kids should be fairly competent. Explain why we clean as you teach the how.

Allowance Is A Parent's Best Friend

An allowance is an all-purpose teacher. It teaches the parent to be consistent and communicate clearly. It teaches your kid responsibility, patience, anticipation and stewardship. This is the one major category that is a must-have in your parenting Arsenal.

You say you can't afford it due to family finances? Even if you are on welfare, they are seeing you buy food and gas. They are aware that there is some form of money out there. It's a must that they see you budgeting and spending wisely. A few years ago, our finances were such that we could not afford to give out weekly cash - so we created a bank book. Each week we made a deposit entry and kept a running balance. About once a month we were able to provide the real cash for withdrawals. So you see, there is always a way if you get creative. You can even pay your kids with poker chips or pennies.

Now that we agree that every kid needs an allowance, let's tackle the topic. An allowance is an amount of money your child receives each week. Pick a day and stick to it. They get this money to manage with some coaching from you. They do not earn this money, but for this basic amount there are basic family expectations that come with being part of the team. This includes making beds, cleaning up possessions, feeding the pet, emptying the dishwasher, etc. The basic amount can be adjusted for age, but the point is the same for everyone: we all have a part in this household.

Here's the beauty of the basic allowance: if a child does not do the bare necessities, you pay another child (or yourself) to do the task and deduct it from their allowance. Heh heh heh. Our girl didn't want to clean up the dog poop, so my hubby charged her $10 every time he did it.

So you don't pay your kids to make their beds, that's an expectation. But you can provide opportunities to earn extra cash by setting a price on more involved chores. Like $1 per bathroom mirror or counter. $3 for the kitchen floor. $6 to vacuum the main floor. You get it. The caveat is that it has to be a professional job or you will deduct for re-do's.

We have established an easy philosophy about the what and why behind an allowance. Now let's add the how. How does an allowance teach stewardship? You show your kids that 10% goes to savings, 10% to giving and the rest they can spend. Your percentages may look different, but you want three categories. Set up different containers or envelopes to help them visualize the differences. And be sure they take their giving monies to church each time you go. They learn responsibility if they have to pay for something they lost or broke. (And if you implement the Take Away Box I've talked about before and have to "buy back" items they have left out.) They learn to wait when they are saving up for something important. Anticipation comes each week - especially if they are out of spending money - and our kids have learned the importance of looking forward to something. They will appreciate the things they look forward to and have earned much more that if you buy it and hand it over to them.

An allowance is also your friend when you are shopping. "Mom can I have this toy?" You smile and chirp "Sure, just use your allowance." If they whine that they don't have enough, you smile again and using your most upbeat tone say "Oh? Well next week you will." Then they learn the big lesson of delayed gratification. Do they go home empty handed today and wait a whole week? Or do they give up the idea of that thing and blow the cash now on something cheaper? Whatever they do, resist the urge to warn them. Let them learn by the experience next week if they wasted it all on some candy this time. And whatever you do, DO NOT nag them next week by saying "if you had only held on to your cash from last week..."

Ug. No. Don't do that. Just smile and say "Well, there's next week." Repeat as often as they play this scene out. The younger your child, the more likely this will be the norm for while. Remember. They live in the moment. It's theirs to handle. By the time they are interested in more expensive activities, they will be more inclined to save up. Your kids won't budget the same way so please don't compare one to the other.

Are there times of mercy? You bet. If they have saved and saved and are a few dollars short, you can open your wallet and say something like "I know how hard you have worked to save for this. I would like to pay the tax." If they are grateful you can offer that again sometime. If they aren't, that's it.

In order for your allowance system to work, you absolutely have to be consistent every week. Don't let them be the only ones to remember. Call them to the table and make it a big deal. Pay for the extra jobs upon completion, but the allowance comes just once a week. Resist the urge to pay for "being a good boy at Grandma's", grades or anything that you (the adult) don't get paid for. If you have family meetings this would also be a good time to distribute allowances. Each week, remind them of the three categories and encourage dialog. If you start this with your kindergartener, you will have some responsible high school students who don't think the world owes them a living and will not act entitled.

Raising a child that contributes to the world for the good of others starts with you and the wonderful version of the allowance you introduce to your family. Teach them as young ones that every penny counts.

You Can't Give Kids Aspirin in School

But a San Francisco school can give them a condom without your knowledge. We are talking about 12 year-olds. Your 12 year-old can't get an aspirin without a doctor's note, but they can march into the nurse's office and get a condom.

All in the name of privacy. Privacy for a kid who burps the alphabet, technically can't watch PG-13 movies and is still a concrete thinker. That's the worst part - not only are their bodies still in development - so are their brains! Studies show us that we are all developing until our mid-20s, but the teen years bring about the most changes most of the time.

A concrete thinker is unable to think in broad, abstract terms. Sure they may get a joke or talk slang, but it doesn't mean they are able to comprehend concepts - much less think very far ahead. How many teens do you know who need to be reminded to call when they arrive at a friend's house? Finish their laundry?  Shut the door? They can answer any question you might have about your smart phone, but they have not matured to the point where they should be entangling their bodies and treating their purity as a mere function.

Some early teens may look a bit older. Just remember that is only because they follow celebrities you never heard of on Twitter and Instagram. Their appearance may emulate someone older, but that doesn't mean they understand thing one about maturity. Test this by asking any 15 year-old if they should be allowed to drive. Not only will 99 % say yes, they will ask for a car. Never mind about the purchase price or buying gas. Or the fact that you can't afford to fix yours. See?

By encouraging our kids to participate in events and actions reserved for adults, we are robbing them of the steps they need to take in their maturation process. I know someone who started doing drugs at age 13. He is 55 now. At least in terms of time on Earth. Mentally, he is still a teen boy still looking for the cool party this weekend.

Contraception is pushed on kids so they don't get pregnant. No one talks very seriously about all of the sexually transmitted diseases there are - much less the ones no condom will protect you from. Abortion is advertised as a "family planning"  choice option.

Here is what no on one ever talks about. The haunting of memories from exposure to too much too soon. Much like those who do drugs, there are flashback memories of our sexual activity. We really don't get away from something by the passage of time. It happened. It's there. Locked forever in the recesses of our minds.

I like to ask teen clients what they would like to look back on in the future. Are they doing things now they want to remember? Do they want to be proud of how they have lived each step along the way? How many regrets are okay? Of all the thousands of adults I have encountered, not one has ever told me they were proud of their early sexual activity. Not one. Yet our culture normalizes it.

Providing children with condoms is like arming them to participate in war. No one wants guns with kids. Why don't we stand up and help protect our children from undue influences on their precious purity? The amount of development in those first 18 years is tremendous. It sets the stage for the rest of their lives. And as I like to tell kids who are trying to grow up too fast - you're old for a very long time. So take the time to truly be a kid.

Now I need to add a PS to that. Take the time to be a kid in spite of the culture. Parents: you can guide your precious babies through this! Start early and foster a safe home. Pray hard, then pray harder.

Please Don't Tell Your Kids Uncle Elroy is Watching From Heaven

And he didn't turn into an angel, either.

I can't count the number of people I have met that have taught their children that a dead relative is "watching them from Heaven". Kids not even born when the relative died grow up worshipping the mystery that was the one their parent still misses. Sometimes there is a big picture posted, sometimes there is a shrine of stuff the kid can ogle.

Parents tutoring their kid about the "eyes in the sky" also school their kids on birthdays and anniversaries - including the death - of their love lost. Visits to the cemetary even with a toddler are not uncommon.

It's one thing to teach our children how special someone was in our lives. That's carrying on a legacy. I've done that with my children. It's quite another to raise the value of the dearly departed to a saint.

I appreciate a good children's story like anyone else, but it is important not to fictionalize reality. Just like using proper terms for body parts and functions, I believe we should not complicate truth about life and death.

If you are a Christ-follower, the good news is that you will see your loved one again one day when you go to Heaven. But nowhere in the Bible does it say that anyone in Heaven can peek down on us. The Bible does teach us that God knows all things and that Jesus is at his right hand. It also teaches us that the Holy Spirit is interpreting our prayers. From that we can conclude that Jesus has our backs when we navigate life on Earth. Therefore, He knows how much we miss our loved one. He is the source of our comfort in our earthly loss - not the relative in Heaven.

Please don't let your children think that God took away your loved one. He did not. Their time on earth ended, and sometimes we don't know why or can't comprehend it. That is not something to burden your child with. Children need to know that God is God, no matter what happens and that he loves all of us. He does not cause us harm, only hope.

One of my friends lost her father as small child. Instead of telling her he died, she was told he "was asleep". For years afterwards, guess who was afraid of bedtime?

It is one thing to lovingly remember your loved one and quite another to insert their memory into everyday life. Everyone has a different way of handling their grief. If you remember that it is your loss - not theirs - you can be comforted. They are now healed and established in Heaven. They now know more than earthly ol' you.

When my daughter lost her father, we read through a great book called Someone I Love Died. 
It gave her a chance to sweetly reflect on him and who he was to her. We had the poster up for a few months until I could see she was moving on. I affirmed her memories and occaisionally reminisced about something fun. She knew he was in Heaven, living with Jesus. As time marched on, I would tell her that her father would have been proud for (fill in the blank). I viewed my job as giving her the tools to process on her own.

If you have treasured memories of grandma, please do share them with your children. Just don't take a two-year-old to her gravesite and sit and cry. They just see you sitting on the ground, they don't understand and never knew them. That is not a healthy way to get to know her.

Your kids are going to follow your lead. So if you find yourself making your loved one a daily conversation after a few months, it may be time to seek some grief counseling. Your job is to live as fully as possible while on earth, contribution in healthy ways to the good of your family and world. If you are so caught up with the one long gone, you aren't living to up to capacity and worse- you could be damaging your children in the process.

My Favorite Parenting Word

Oh how I love this word!

It is simple, empathetic and discussion-ending.

It is powerful and does not presume to solve the situation.

It is empowering and applicable to many situations we find ourselves in as we struggle to raise a generation that becomes personally responsible.

I learned this when my first born was eight and still believe this was one of the best parenting words ever created.

You can use it with toddlers. You can use it with teens. You can use it with kids in-between. (Oh hey do I ever feel like Doctorette Suess with that one!)

Both parents can use this word. (Even better.) And most importantly, the tone that you use is what makes it so effective. You have to, absolutely have to sound as chipper and upbeat as possible. Make eye contact when you use it and give a slight nod. They'll know you care. Sometimes you might be carrying the laundry basket and you can also toss this word over your shoulder as you continue down the hall. Whatever you do, do not have your kid sit across you at the table and attempt to hold some hearing. This word is too special to waste during a lecture (which you should really avoid, anyway. They're not listening, just waiting for you to end it.)

There are many scenarios where you can use this beloved word. It is always your reply to your kid's comment. Here are sample comments we've all heard. Your answer will always be this one amazing word:

"I forgot to bring home the parent permission slip."
***
"I can't find my mittens."
***
"I was late so they didn't let me."
***
"I was going to get to that."
***
"I hate what you made for dinner."
***
"I don't want to [insert complaint here]"
***
"I wanted one more chance."
***
"I was cold without my coat."
***
"I don't know what the homework is."
***
"I'm tired."
***
"But I'm not ready to go."
***
"I don't know where my clean underwear is."
***

By now you get the idea. By using this word you aren't lecturing or advising. The reality of the situation is causing your child to see that their choices had something to do with what happened. If they choose not to wear socks, their ankles just might get cold in January. But they won't die. So don't argue. When they come home and whine, you shrug. And follow up with the magic word:

"Bummer."

I promise it works. Not only are my own kids living proof, so are the hundreds of other kids I've coached. The key is to be quiet after you say it. Resist the urge to go on and on. "Bummer" says more than any speech. Unless of course they were shoplifting. But that's for another blog.

Do You Care More About Your Kids' Stuff Than They Do?

Signs that you are too concerned about your child's belongings:

- You can verbally describe each doll outfit
- You routinely arrange or even put away their toys
- You call the babysitter to find out where the hammer to the toy tool bench is

Signs that your child does not care much about their belongings:

- They ask you where "it" is (and you have the answer*)
- They leave toy items lying in piles and only put them away when asked (but don't usually finish)
- They ask for a toy every time to you go to Target (and you buy one, even for chump change)

After I became a mommie, the best present you could ever give me was a gift for my little one. It was a treasure and a pleasure to begin to build their very own belongings. However, as a first-time mom I had all the top three signs. True, she was a baby and needed to be shown how to open her first board book. But did I really need to put the Duplos "just so"? Since truth is being told, I even did Number Three with my second one when he was a toddler. Let's just pretend that was because there was another toddler over that day getting into things.

Yes it is wonderful to lead a little one in exploring life. Since most toys are for their development, no wonder parents and grands go crazy giving them! It is a blessing to see our children enjoying themselves. As the bambinos mature, it is our parental responsibility to teach them the proper care of these personal possessions - and to experience the consequences if the basic rules are not followed.

I am referring to the natural consequences. Reality. If you leave your bike outside in the rain, it might get rusted. Or stolen. If you have a fit while coloring and break your red crayon, it will be shorter and harder to handle. If you cut Barbie's hair, it won't grow back. If you lose one of your playing cards, you won't be able to play that game. If you open a toy with small parts in the car, we won't be able to get the pieces that fell between the seats. There are certain places to play with certain toys, and if you don't follow that you may end up with a teddy bear who no longer growls after he was submerged in the tub.

Some of this is learned naturally, some of it needs to be gently taught. But regardless of how a toy is lost or damaged, please resist the urge to replace it - no matter how beloved. (My one exception would be that one "gotta have it with me" comfort toy, if there is one.) Reality is a great teacher on the road to developing self control. If we replace everything that gets damaged, our children do not learn to be appreciative, careful or thoughtful - they just learn that the magic fairy will make it all better. Again.

When our son was two and three, he believed that scotch tape could "fix" anything. We had numerous "fixed" items for awhile. Like a cracked styrofoam cup. The back wheel on his Rescue Heroes truck. The antena on a remote. After awhile he knew he really wasn't fixing anything, but he sure loved to use that tape!

One of my pre-teen clients recently informed her mother that she wanted a "big girl's room" and wanted to get rid of all her toys. Mom's eyes widened and asked,"Even your Monster High dolls? You just got that house last Christmas!" Even the new Monster High stuff. The girl wanted it all removed so she could "have a cool room". Mom couldn't stop coaching her to reconsider when the three of us sat down on her bedroom floor to sort the piles of dolls, accessories and plastic junk into piles. One pile was designated "keep", the next "give" and the last "sell". Most of her items went into the last two piles, much to mom's fretting. I kept reminding mom that this was her girl's decision, and that was a good thing because she had entirely too many small parts. We had to almost shovel spaces on the floor for us to sit down.

In her sincere desire to love her girl, this mom had come to the conclusion that more stuff was important - but had neglected to teach her child how to manage it. You can see her bedroom floor now, and my young client is thrilled with her room's new look. Mom is still aware of the missing pen cap from the backpack and has even called the principal, but lots of progress has been made.

To all the well-meaning, slightly anal parents out there: take a deep breath. Now is the time for our kids to take responsibility for their stuff. And please do not do them a disservice by overloading them. Less is more becasue they can become more responsible with what they have.



*Cringe. I once heard a 10 -year-old ask her mom where her pink hair bow was. Mom could describe precisely which corner of the dresser and what was next to it.

How Do I Get My Kid to Pick Up Their Stuff?

No parent ever dreamed of the day they would nag their kids to put things away. It doesn't work, anyway so why do we do it? We must've forgotten the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. If you are tired of the sound of your own voice and want your chilibeans (children) to become a tad more responsible, you might like these tried and true tested tips.

Tip #1. Decide ahead of time how much stuff and how much space you have to work with, in addition to your budget. With my first child there was no extra money for much so everything she had was hard won and precious. We are talking about a handful of books, two videos, set of blocks. I just made sure there was something we could use to stimulate each sense and followed that plan. Toys that made loud noises or did the work for the child were not on my wish list. Because I decided I did not want my kids to have overflowing shelves, it was easy for them to see where things went.

Tip #2. Only one category of play things come out at a time. If they are going to color, they don't drive their Matchbox cars around too. The crayons go back before the cars come out. If the Legos are out, the paintbrushes stay put. There is nothing worse that seeing every item from every game and doll mixed together on the floor like some pot luck stew. If your child plays like this it means they have way too much stuff and need to be taught how to use their toys.

Tip #3. Aside from Happy Meal toys, no new items enter the home unless another one leaves. They want a new board game? Which one are they done with or want to donate? Sometimes kids just want to want, not really have. One mom I know takes a picture of her child in the store holding the item they "wanted". They no longer even ask to have it - just to take the picture. If they are still talking
about that item months later, you have a pretty good idea what to get for their birthday.

Tip #4. Resist the idea to over-gift. Sure, you might only buy your kid one thing on their birthday. But what about Grammy and Gramps? More is not better. More is clutter. Your child can only play with one thing at a time anyway. Enlist support from extended family and friends. Establish the one gift policy early on. Even consider no gifts. You and the family could go make a memory at the zoo instead.

Tip #5. Introduce gift-giving as soon as they can warble. Your child can color a picture, paint hand prints or decorate pottery at a very young age. As they mature, you can add more creative gift creations to their list. They can learn to make gifts for siblings, parents, grandparents and teachers. When they are part of the gift giving process they experience the other side of gifts and it encourages them to take care of the gifts they receive. They can also learn to contribute to a gift financially. I had my kids give $10 toward father's day gifts if we weren't making one. They loved being part of that.

After I became a mommie, the best present you could ever give me was a gift for my little one. It was a treasure and a pleasure to begin to build their very own belongings. As the bambinos mature, it is our parental responsibility to teach them the proper care or personal possessions - and to experience the consequences if the basic rules are not followed.

I am referring to the natural consequences. Reality. If you leave your bike outside in the rain, it might get rusted. Or stolen. If you have a fit while coloring and break your red crayon, it will be shorter and harder to handle. If you cut Barbie's hair, it won't grow back. If you lose one of your playing cards, you won't be able to play that game. Follow?

We can add to the above consequences in order to encourage the ever-argued actions of "picking things up". First, take the time to personally demonstrate how to pick up. Don't just say "go clean up your room". That's way too broad. Instead, walk with your darling into their room. Focus on one area at a time starting with a garbage bag.

When I teach parents how to show their kids what "picking up" looks like, I sit with a garbage bag on the floor and have the child pile all the scraps, bits, toys and clutter between us. We throw away small pieces to games or dolls that have no home. We also throw out the water bottle caps, wrinkled art, scraps of yarn. You get it. From there we sort like with like. Cars and trucks go in one tote. Games in another. Art in another. The goal is to see the bedroom floor.

Establish a place for each toy type. From now on, that's where that type of toy goes. No more random here or there. That lack of specificity is why kids become sloppy picker-uppers. If they know that story books are always beside the bed, they aren't going to shove them in with the Legos anymore. If they know all the dress up stuff goes in that tote bag, you aren't going to find a crown jammed in their underwear drawer.

This will take you a chunk of time. But it will reap you many peaceful future moments. Your kids will see, touch and know precisely what the definition of a cleaned room is. Then you can add The Zen Rule. In our house, whatever was being played with had to be picked up by 8:00 p.m. That was the magic hour for me. Backpacks, jackets, shoes. Everything had to be put away and ready for the next day. Anything left out went away. I wouldn't cluck or fret. I just casually walked by the items left out, gathered them up and put them in The Take Away Box. The living area was uncluttered and I could enjoy my own adult time before going to bed.

You can have your kids earn their take-away items back with money like we did, or by drawing a slip of paper out of the Chore Jar and work it off. Anything left in the box for a week meant they really didn't care that much about it and you can sell or donate it depending on what it is. But whatever you do, sail along cheerily. No nagging, reminding or chiding. No talking. And please don't make the Take Away Box part of your interior decorating. The kids and their stuff are not the stars of your home - they are part of your family.