The Missing Word From the Media Coverage of the 2020 Election and COVID19

 

There’s a word missing from the 2020 Presidential Election narrative that should be connected to the impact of COVID19  in the US.

 

Pretty much every time I turn on local or cable news, I experience partisan blame hyping topics such as “economy”, “vaccination”, “testing”, “masks” and “school”. Sometimes the science brains tell us one thing, and the next time they tell us another. And each time I hear “these same ol’ things” I become angrier.

 

Since I know that anger is the doorbell of emotions – you have to answer the door to see who is there, and when you feel anger you need to ask yourself what the underlying emotion really is – I know that my anger in this case is an indicator of feeling disrespected, anxious and worried. Rather than waiting for COVID19 to pass, it’s dawning on us that we need to adjust our thinking to living with new ways to accomplish tasks of daily living. The hundreds of conversations I’ve had as a tele-therapist lately confirm that I’m not alone.

 

Brady Smith’s 2019 kids’ book title You’re Missing It keeps ringing in my ears. It’s about a kid trying to point out things to their distracted dad who is otherwise fixated on his smart phone. The word our politicians, scientists and speech writers have missed as they talk about everything else is “family”. I believe that the presidential candidate who begins using this word will be the candidate to resonate with voting families. Until someone does, in my humble opinion they are all completely missing it. The other topics are important, but until someone connects them directly with the American family they’re all missing it.

 

No one has yet to recognize that the backbone of a civilization  is the family. Until they do, things will continue to miss the boat of the point. The family is the boat, navigating the rapids. And all we hear about is the rapids. We need to talk more about what it is like for families to be experiencing this pandemic from their boats. I'd like the top of the tops on down in every industry to validate what families are going through and demonstrate some level of understanding about what everyday life is for the families in our nation. Families need to know they matter and that they aren’t just statistics. They have faces and stories. They aren’t just polling data to summarize or analyze. 

Virtually everything we do in everyday life has a new spin to it. The changes in the way we celebrate, marry and bury affect our daily living and have been glossed over. The new vocabulary words like “let’s set up a Zoom” and “socially distance” just appeared and sat down at our kitchen tables. The new protection regimens add more steps to what we do. The impact the loss of activities such as “going out for dinner”, “movie box office weekends” or “meeting for coffee” haven't been given much of a sincere nod. And I can’t even begin to discuss sports, school calendars or judging others for wearing or not wearing masks. And depending on the nature of each family, the way everyday life unfolds is different. There’s no blanket solution yet all we hear about are just that.

 

We’re missing it culturally if we can’t work together and embrace the impact COVID19 has on all our families. If the politicians only discuss Green New Deals, the economy or continue to throw dirt balls at the other party -- raise your hand if you think they care about the family? It’s an expensive waste of time and doesn’t solve anything. I’m tired of time being wasted at the expense of our tax dollars. I’m not asking for each and every possible family model be identified or given a certificate of appreciation, but I am asking for foundational recognition of what it might be like to be the people at home trying to manage their everyday lives differently. Answers may not be immediately forthcoming, but acknowledgement goes a long way to re-unifying a very un-unified nation.

 

 

Top 3 Parenting Tools for Coping With Coronavirus Impact at Home

I've been putting my master's degree in marriage and family therapy to work for 10 months now (while pursuing licensure) and the content has shifted heavily toward anxiety. I've spent the last three weeks hearing how the global reaction and coronavirus alert has impacted families logistically, emotionally and relationally. No one had much of a warning about the necessary safety responses that were put in place so rapidly. Overnight, every north American household become home-schoolers and everyday routines ground to a halt. Not only were parents forced to become their child's primary educator in an instant, they were told do to so without any opportunity to give their own input. I know of one family with children in three different school districts requiring 20 different apps in order to follow the syllabi. Another district required all of the students to log in during the same time window, thus collapsing the platform. Families have had to purchase new tablets and laptops because this is one time we can't ask our kids to share.

Children all over are missing school, and whether they know it or not, one of the main things they miss is their former routine and this will show up in different ways. It's important to remember that children under the age of 12 are still very much concrete thinkers. Abstract thinking develops throughout middle and and high school, but by no means is fully developed by graduation. As parents, if we consider what our kids are capable of before developing an expectation, we will be able to introduce a level of understanding necessary right now. Those kids acting out, speaking out or being defiant are giving us a lot of information they may not be able to articulate based on age. If you've got kiddo provoking the rest of the family, chances are they are carrying anxiety about all of the changes and unknowns. You can meet them in their anxiety by giving it a name and empathizing with them that "this is is hard". None of us like this. Once you've validated their emotion, then you can assure them. If you assure without acknowledging their emotions first, you've basically told them their feelings don't matter and they'll probably continue to act out big emotions.

Another thing to put in place is teaching our kids what we can control in this limbo-period of waiting for control to seep back in to our everyday lives. While we can't control the fact that we can't go to school or work, we can control where in the house we sit to do our work. We can control the time we do most things, as well as what we wear. We can control how we move about our day. What are we doing and when? I recommend creating an agenda with a check list each morning - list 5 items to do and check off throughout the day. This will increase a sense of accomplishment and control even if you list "brush teeth" - it's something that got done that we had control over. The structure of the agenda will be reassuring without you having said a word.

Speaking of control, we can also control what we put in our minds. What are we listening to? What are we watching? Who are we listening to? This is a good time to evaluate what social media influences you really want in your home. Research tells us that the more we think about anything, the bigger it becomes. Sitting alone in a room worrying will only make that worry more frightening. Conversely, listening to positive stories or focusing on learning something new together will use different parts of our brains and keep us feeling more regulated.

Yes, we have less control in many areas of life right now. Yes, we don't have a handbook as to how to do this. And yes, we have the resilience from within to go through this together, while apart. Stay well.

Why A Me-Turnity Leave Completely Misses The Point

Have you heard about the enterprising woman without kids who wrote a book advocating "Me-Turnity" leave for everyone -- even if they aren't parents, in order to make things fair?

After all, once a baby is pushed out or surgically delivered, isn't life a breeze? A whole "maternity leave" off from WORK to just glide. Everyone should have one of these, not just the parents of a wee little bambino! Everyone should get the same opportunity to experience paid time off from work in order to focus on themselves, right? It's only fair that we treat everyone equally.

Everyone deserves time off from work to rest and focus on themselves. I have learned that Americca is the only developed nation in the world that does not mandate employers to provide paid maternity leave. Congratulations to the author capitalizing on her idea but whoa has she ever missed the point.

Not only is a pregnancy a medical condition, it involves another human being. While many women experience problem-free pregnancies and deliveries, others develop complications and sometimes even the baby has problems. Number One, a pregnancy is a health condition that brings forth anther human with their own health needs.

Number Two, the reason why there is a maternity leave is two-fold. Not only is it for mother-child bonding, it is also for the beginning of a physical recovery from the pregnancy and delivery process. It takes over 12 months for a woman's body to return to its pre-pregnant condition, and I am not referring to the weight. All kinds of internal organs rearrange themselves over time in order to accommodate the baby. All kinds of hormones and cells do amazing nesting things and it takes a long while to readjust. I know women who get curly hair while pregnant, or acne or varicose veins. The female body is amazing in the ability to carry life. Whatever length the maternity leave is, it isn't long enough to fully readjust.

Number Three, if a mom is returning to work outside the home after her leave, those few weeks of bonding aren't nearly enough before leaving baby with others. And if she is breast feeding, she either has to pump or give it up. If she pumps, she has to take extra bathroom breaks in order to do the pumping. And it isn't as simple as pumping up a mattress. After she gets the milk, she has to store it and remember to bring it home -- keeping it in a cool place in the car, too. There's a lot to feeding baby. And don't forget the outfit changes. Baby isn't the only one who gets messy.

Speaking of work... What do you call laundry and dishes? Bill paying and vacuuming? Cooking and cleaning? Changing sheets and more laundry? Coaching and teaching children? Shopping and planning? Doctor and dental visits? Homework and team support? The family calendar? Not to mention the nurturing and encouraging that all parents should be doing with every family member.

I do not know of one woman, and I've met thousands, who "rested" and "focused on themselves" either during or after a pregnancy. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Once your body becomes a vessel for another human being, it's exhausting and exhilarating all at once. But one thing it isn't anymore is your own. You no longer get to choose when you will go to be bathroom, sleep, move or sit ever again. You go from first to last. Some women have a terrible time accepting this "last" position in the pecking order. But it just is.

It doesn't mean you don't matter anymore. In fact, you matter more. It's in that mattering that we find out we aren't the most important person in our universe anymore. Part of the deal is holding our potty until we can take a few minutes to run into the Loo. Part of the deal is making sure everybody has their oxygen mask on first before your pedicure. Part of the deal is having that little someone tell you that you're the best mommie in the whole world and feeling your heart skip a beat. It doesn't mean you lose yourself, but you do become refined along the way.

You do a lot of waiting as a mom. Especially if you wanted to do something grown-up after they fall asleep. Time seems suspended when you hit a red light and your baby wakes up screaming because his suburban crib suddenly isn't in motion, or when you are trying to check out at the grocery store with a toddler grabbing everything in the cart with his octopus arms. Then one day you pass the little coin-operated riding toy outside the store and realize they haven't asked for a ride in months, and you'll realize time just blinked on by and your heart will skip another beat.

A maternity leave is to focus on the new family combination, not the self. It's probably mis-titled if anyone thinks it's all about free time to indulge and enjoy and bask in one's self. New mothers do basking alright, at about 4:30 a.m. when we open our eyes to the pre-dawn sky and realize what we get to be...right before hearing the call of the wild. Our basking is done in bits and spurts along the way. Every once in awhile we may get some precious alone time, but I bet you most of us text the family just to check in even then. A maternity leave is the introductory period of learning how to become more multi-faceted and multi-tasking as we learn how to live and relate in new family dynamics.

And yes, having children is different than not having children. And no, people should not be treated "the same" when the conditions are not.

Signs That You May Be More of a Friend Than Parent*

(*If you are raising a child, I am referring to you as a parent no matter what your title may be)

Do you trade secrets? Share your stuff? Change your mind in order to be liked? Want to make your children happy at all costs?

Uh-oh. Maybe you are more of a friend to your kid than you are a parent.

Do you tell your children about the mortgage? Your diet? Your worries?

Uh-oh again. Do they really need to know these things?

Why is this not good? Because friends are fickle and growing kids will experience highs and lows as they learn who they are and who would make a good and lasting friend. The last thing they need is a parent to be part of that fluid category.

Kids need a rock-solid, dependable and fiercely loving force in their lives especially as they develop. If the force is perceived as weak or unable to lead, who will the children feel safe with?

Who better to be that force than a parent? Kids need to be able to count on their parent(s) to provide the guidelines and navigation while they go about bumping into life's realities.

Children need guidelines and regulation in order to develop in a healthy manner. Children who do not receive nurturing (different than the buddy system) and guidance are like ships without rudders. They intuitively want a course to follow, and if the parents don't provide one, they will find some group or mindset that will. This is why we hear about children joining dicey groups or gangs. They want to belong. And if they don't belong to you and your family, they will absolutely belong somewhere.

Being a parent does not mean you can't play with your kid. But it does mean they know how to respect your boundaries and authority. Walking around your house naked because you feel free was fine before kids. Now they need to learn about their own bodies and privacy - not to mention safety. If you give guidance ahead of time, you won't be "the bad guy" when it's time to put the Lego's away. Simply set a timer and say "let's play Lego's for an hour, then we will start to make dinner". Or whatever else comes next. When the timer rings, calmly say it's time to put them away. (I like to set a 5 minute warning before the actual timer goes off so kids can transition easier. "That was the 5-minute warning, then it will be time to pick up in 5 minutes.")

Tempted to overshare about your sex life? The bills? Your bad day at work? Your bad childhood? A neighbor. Think again. Kids are not abstract thinkers and their brains are incapable at this point in development of receiving such information and holding it appropriately. Furthermore, it compromises your role as a safe authority figure and places the kids in a place of wanting to help you.  Or a state of anxiety they can't yet describe.

They are not the parents and should be encouraged to enjoy their childhood. Do not burden your kids with adult stuff. We operate as adults for a whole lot longer than we get to be kids. Don't rush it and don't take away their innocence. Be that secure force in their lives. It's not too late to ramp up your parenting.

I Demand

We live in a world of "demand". We can watch movies "on demand". We can listen to music "on demand". We can bank with an immediate tap. We can customize our coffee, pre-order and pick it up. We can ask Alexa and she'll answer us immediately. She'll even change your TV channel for you. We can order groceries and there's a special place to park the second you arrive for pick up. We can arrange for dinner deliveries any night of the week - ingredients already chopped and measured. We can take, edit and post a photograph with free apps on our phone. We can order a monthly box of clothing to arrive so we don't even have to think about what to wear anymore.

Things that were once considered fast are now too slow. We are reminded every six months that our "new" smart phone or tablet is now an "older version" because of the latest, shiniest model. We are reminded every time we go on social media that someone else is having more fun, going more places or doing life better.

In this world of demand and now, we have lost the ability to wait well. And, we've lost the ability to recognize that not everything goes our way. These are two vital areas that parents must combat in our microsecond world of instant convenience. If we aren't careful, the next generations will ascend in to adulthood even more self-absorbed than the current one who can't be bothered to RSVP or say thank-you.

Our world of demand allows children to pick and choose what they will look at and listen to. Power children did not have in generations prior. We've gone from saving up to buy a record you want to listen to, to scrolling and tapping for free. One of the greatest things stores like Starbucks did for the everyday Joe was to give them the power to choose every detail they can about a cup of coffee. Brilliant. People who don't know who they would vote for can stand with self assurance and dictate their drink of choice. Empowering.

Parents who want to teach their children to wait, or teach their children that they must learn to accept that some things do not go their way are like salmon. Swimming against a powerful social current to do their duty. I say, keep swimming! Recognize that this is indeed a challenge, but it must be done. I believe you can think creatively about how you can introduce and keep these essential aspects of becoming a solid citizen in the forefront.

Instead of seeing how fast they can do something, try finding out "how careful" they can be for things like writing, drawing or folding.

Instead of asking what they want to drink, offer 2 choices. They pick one. It might not be their favorite because their favorite wasn't even offered. Try this with treats, too. Or even cereal.

Instead of telling them to "hurry up" and get in the car, tell them thirty minutes in advance that the car leaves at 7:45. Set the timer for 5 minutes earlier and calmly state that when the timer rings, it will be time to get in the car/get their backpack/shoes etc. Set them up for success by ensuring that backpacks and coats et al are located near the door for easy departure.

Remove the word "hurry" from your vocabulary. You slow down. You plan ahead enough so no one has to rush. Replace all the times you are urging the gang along with encouragement and praises. Or asking questions to learn how they think.

Look ahead to things as a family and as individual family members. Count down to holidays or birthdays. Count down to family movie night on the sofa. Create your own big deal and enjoy the anticipation. It can be as simple as Tuesday is Library Day. Or Sunday is Soup and Salad night.

When you are at a red light, make use of your time by chatting or singing - not mumbling about how this safety feature is slowing you all down.

Remember that it takes 18 years to officially be grown up in the world. There are different developmental stages and phases that must occur in order for the next one to take place. We can't rush time, even if we allow our 11-year old daughter to dress as if she was hitting a night club. You'll do damage to her for rushing her along, but she won't be 18 until 18 years have passed no matter how hard you or she tries to out-dress her age. A one-year old can't read, but a four-year old can recognize their name. A 13-year old doesn't have the ability to think abstractly and should not be given the car keys because they are biologically unable to process abstract response options.

Set a budget for clothing and allow your teens to choose what they are using the money for. If they decide they don't want to get new shoes, fine. But they have to learn to live with the ones they have. If they spend it all on one thing they have to live with that choice until the next budget.

Be consistent about the pay periods you use for allowances and family meetings. Keep that schedule so that they can learn about consistency and plan ahead with their finances.

Teach your kids how to make and pack their own lunches.

Make one big dinner a week that involves each family member in preparation and enjoy each step of anticipation.

Catch your kids working on learning a new skill and point out their hard work. Notice progress. Give them praise. "You did such a great job with your shoes today!", "That piece you just played on the piano shows how much you've learned in music", "Way to go on making your bed!" "Wow, you brought that C up to a B - great work!" "I was glad when you let me know you were at Billy's house instead of Tommy's like I thought."

Insist on treating everyone kindly. Please and Thank You. Eye contact. Keep space in lines. Do not attempt to get ahead in lines. Hands to ourselves. We pay before we use or eat something. We smile at the workers in the stores even if they don't thank us. We do not talk about people behind their backs. We are no better or worse than anyone else. We work for things, we don't just get them handed to us. There is always someone else we can help. Do not ignore other people. Think about how the other person might be feeling. Unkind words can leave lasting hurts - don't be that person.

And to think it all starts with waiting and finding out we don't always get what we want.

When Mother's Day is Hard to Celebrate

The weeks leading up to Mother's Day bombard us wherever we go with gift ideas. The cards. The obligatory flowers. The last-minute gift ideas. The brunch reservations. On the radio, we hear the count down until the big day when we honor our mothers. If you are married, you may have a scheduling challenge regarding which mom to see and when. If you are in your own family, you have to remember to include your self. Mother's Day is such a big day in North America that many realtors forgo open houses this day because the focus is on the moms.

But what if you can't celebrate your mom because she is no longer alive? What if you can't celebrate her because she lives across the country? What if you can't celebrate her because you are currently in a fight? Or what if you can't celebrate her because she never nurtured you in the first place?  What if the desire of your heart is to be a mother yourself and it looks like that might not ever happen? For these and many other reasons I have not thought of, sometimes Mother's Day can be a very painful day for some.

So what do we do? If we are among the ones able to celebrate their mothers, we can be grateful we are in that position, keeping in mind that many others are not so fortunate. We can also remove the casual query in our social chit-chat about what someone else is doing on that day. If we know someone hurting about their mother, we could invite them do some activity the day before to create a different memory. We could even invite "mothers day orphans" over on mother's day if that works with the family dynamics. If your husband doesn't honor you, you can teach your kids how to make mother's day pancakes yourself and have fun.

If we are are in the category of those who don't value their mothers - or maybe just in a fight - there are some objective things we can do so that our hurt or anger abates. First of all, remember that your mother came to who she was honestly - based on her own life experiences and how she experienced her mother. Some of our moms just don't have the extra "mom" finesse because of their history. It's no excuse, but it is a reason why they are/were who they are/were. Go back the generation before your mother. What was her mother's mother like? Many mothers of large families simply had no time with heavy duties of running a family, possibly even as a single parent.

If your mother doesn't behave the way that you would like, can you respect her opinions and viewpoints apart from yours even if they don't line up? It's what she thinks. And how she thinks is shaped by how she was treated growing up. If no one nurtured her and she didn't know that should be included in mothering, how can you expect to be cuddled now? I am simply pointing out that I believe people do the best they can with what they have in a given situation. I don't think they are looking to hurt you specifically, unless there is some pathology.

If you are dealing with mental illness or addiction or criminal activity, the same thing goes. There are reasons why people do or say things that explain the why. It's when we put our expectations on others that we get into trouble. Your mother may only be able to give you the bit you got. You may wish it was more, and that's okey to wish. But to live expecting it year after year when she is just not able only sets you up for hurt and anger. Grieve what you didn't get. Let go of the fact you weren't her favorite. And then use your healing to give that to others in spite of your loss. Have you found an honorary mother to share your life? You can be one to someone else, too. And don't forget by giving what you didn't get to your own kids breaks the cycle.

If you happen to be one of those who is just pissed off at your mother and have shut her out of your life, think calmly about your reasons. Did she do something evil to you? To anyone? Is whatever you are angry about even your business? If you have a mom reaching out to you and you ignore her without informing her why, then the shame goes on you for attempting to hold some power trip over her. If you have explained why you can't be in her life clearly (and it makes rational sense), then that's a different story. Just make sure you aren't creating a wall for the wrong reason, and that you got all the information directly. This is not the time to base your actions on someone else's words. Try as you might, you will always know who your mother is, so you really can't erase her.

You have come to your understanding of self and world as a result of your unique life experiences. Holding a grudge will never make you a better person. Each thing you attempt to do until you get things set up correctly in the forgiveness department will be tainted in some degree if you have any moral character. If you are one of the true motherless people, may your day be filled with tender memories. Search those memory banks and see if you can't find a couple. Most moms truly are on a sweet, clumsy path to do their simple best for their babies. Have you thought about that?

Did Harvey Weinstein's Parents Have "The Talk" With Him?

When is it time to have "The Talk" with your kids? Bet you can't guess my answer. Unless you've met me.

My answer is NEVER.

Whaaaat? That's because there isn't just one talk, one time. It's an ongoing series of phrases laced together over the years the minute you first hold your little creation and it's based upon your relationship. Let me repeat that last part: based upon your relationship.

If your relationship consists of ordering your child around, don't expect your 12-year-old to open up to you with questions. Same goes if you have not been available or you've been violent. If you have shown your child you listen to them and treat them valuably (oh and for sure discipline) along the way, you'll have earned the platform to continue conversation during what I arguably believe to be the most difficult years of a person's life - middle and high school.

Their bodies are transforming rapidly. Their brains are growing (and don't stop until the late 20s). They are moving from concrete to abstract thinking. And on top of all of this, they are awkward and tired and have media images shoved in their electronic faces telling them they ought to look a whole lot different than they really do. It is a naturally confusing time. Being forgetful comes with the territory. I visibly wince when someone complains about a "lazy teenager" to me. Or puts any label with a lift of the eyebrow on kids that age. This is a tough time developmentally even before you factor in their unique life circumstances.

In order to get ready for that time, you start at birth or in the womb if you are a prayer-bear like me. You nurture, ooh and ahh and set up guidelines to keep them safe. As they grow, you grow. You add more words to your chats. Let your little tot know the proper names for each part of the body. Say them matter-of-factly as you are dressing them and act calm. You may need to practice saying some words ahead of time if you have been accustomed to thinking some words are awkward. This is just information, folks.

Don't worry about the how-to's too early. There are a number of great books parents can read along with their kids if you want to. Maybe as tweens? But covering the basics early on is just fine. And I like to add stories like "when I was pregnant with you I loved to eat ice cream" or "when you were an itty bitty, you couldn't lift up your head" to personalize the developmental journey. As a Christian, I emphasized how this all comes from God's plan to know people. Things like menstrual cycles and nocturnal emissions are bodily functions to learn about. Not a bad idea to start having your sons wash their own sheets around age 11, moms.

Getting back to my point. Talking to your kids about sex isn't a one-time event. And it shouldn't start in school. It isn't "gross" or "embarrassing" unless you treat it that way. I believe the more conversational and informational parents can be (without lecturing, folks) the more competent kids will become in thinking about how they use their growing bodies.

If they don't grow up with shame, perhaps they will become ladies and gentlemen in society rather than those committing acts on others contributing to the current #MeToo movement? As parents, we can help our kids frame how to think about sex and think of others in respectful ways. Ignoring this responsibility only allows for kids to think things up alone and in this area, guidance is needed to lead healthy and productive lives.